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xmag.com : March 2005 : We Love Exotic

From: <wtrojan@hotmail.com>
Date: Sat, 01 Jan 2005
Subject: Male Partner Prospectus

Dear Viva,
I saw your Male Partner prospectus in the January Exotic and I expect you've been getting a lot of responses from the finest prisons in America. Like much of what women say they want, your requirements are at best coded and incomplete and at worst utter bullshit. I hit close to 100% of your requirements and I already know you won't be interested in me. But, let's go through your list:
1) You must have a job: I've worked as a computer programmer for 26 years and now, I'm retired with an after-tax income of $50,000 per year for the rest of my life with pre-paid health insurance. But what you're really saying is: "You must have a GOOD job. If you're not already earning over $100,000, you must be on a career path that will get you there with my goading you into working 60 hour weeks."
2) You must not be an alcoholic: I'm not. I've never really much liked the taste of most alcohol, and while I do drink on rare occasions, I haven't had more than a drink or two per month in years. I tried marijuana in college, but quit smoking in my 20's and haven't tried any harder drugs.  Caffeine is my drug of choice. But what you're really saying is: "My last boyfriend was an alcoholic and my bitchiness drove him to drink even more. Hope you can put up with a lot of 'moodiness'."
3) You must rub feet: Works for me as long as you WASH your feet and don't have that weird disease where your feet always stink no matter what. But what you're really saying is: "You must indulge my every sensual whim without question." As I said, works for me.
4) You must have a functioning cock: I do, but it's really small. What you're really saying is: You must have a LARGE functioning cock and you won't need it anymore after we've had our second kid."
5) You must have a car so you can take me on hot dates: Got one and it's all paid for. It's a 2001 Dodge minivan. But what you're really saying is: "You must have an expensive car (preferably a BMW, Lexus or Jaguar) to impress my friends when we go out."
6) You must be an excellent kisser: I was the last time I checked, but it's been a while. A long while. But what you're really saying is a more specific restatement of #3 above, with respect to my ability to satisfy you orally. As I said above, works for me.
7) You should read the New York Times and on occasion the National Geographic: Yep, I read 'em. I can usually finish the crossword most of the time too. I'm kind of a news junkie, but I haven't figured out what to do about it yet. I also read books, about three-quarters fiction, mostly detective novels. Back when I was IQ tested in 8th grade, it came out 162. But I've always done well on written tests. But what you're really saying is: "You must be urbane and sophisticated and not too cheap to subscribe to an out-of-town newspaper, so I can impress my friends."
8) You must want kids: I think I do, but I haven't had much experience, since I'm an only child. It also could affect one of the three things I want from life: 1) Never have to change a dirty diaper; 2) Never use an ATM; 3) Cross an ocean in a dirigible (this one's hard since the US Navy dismantled the last one in 1957). But what you're really saying is "I want you to pay for my kids, including college, despite the loss of my consortium after the first one is born and my weight gain of at least 30 pounds which I'll never take off."
9) You must love animals: I do, especially cats. I like dogs too as long as they don't: 1) slobber; 2) bark a lot when my life isn't being threatened and 3) put their dirty paws on my shoulders to greet me at the door. I grew up in the suburbs so I don't have any experience with farm animals, except they're no allowed in the house. But what you're really saying is: "I have a really big dog. Who slobbers. Plus he's slept in my bed for longer than any of my boyfriends and now he thinks he owns me."
10) You should be an inspired lover and be able to play my body at least as well as you play your guitar: I don't play guitar but I love spending a couple of hours in bed caressing a woman's body and pleasing her any way she wants. But I draw the line at necrophilia, coprophagia and farm animals. And your big dog doesn't get to watch. And he better not bark whe he gets locked out of the bedroom. But what you're really saying is: "You must play guitar, preferably in a really cool band that'll make my girlfriends envious."
11) You must love music and be well-versed in the history of rock: I do. I've loved rock music for longer than you've been alive: surf instrumental, garage bands of the 60's, classical (especially baroque), metal and I keep
looking for the next cool sound. I currently like Disturbed, Godsmack, Soulfly, Ramstein, The Darkness, Evanescence, Fate's Warning, Lacuna Coil and Place of Skulls. I'm not much into rap, hip-hop or country. And I absolutely loathe "Boot Scoot Boogie". But what you're really adding is: "You must be well-heeled enough to take me to lots of concerts and dancing." This more or less works for me too, but no mosh pits. And I've never really danced, but I'm willing to try as long as it's not like a mosh pit.
12) You must be open-minded, adventurous, goofy and wise. Yep. I have a well-developed sense of the absurd. Politically, I tend towards libertarianism but defiantly identify myself as a liberal. My life philosophy includes such aphorisms as: Treat other people the way you want to be treated; "Men are stupid, women are crazy" (Tom Arnold); Never attribute to malice that which can be explained by incompetence; Life is not a zero-sum game (i.e., everyone can win); "Violence is the last resort of the incompetent" (Isaac Asimov); and "Do what thou wilt is the whole of the law" (Alestair Crowley). But what you're really saying is: "I've cheated on every boyfriend I've ever had and it's gonna happen to you. Deal with it."
13) You must be responsible, respectful and adoring....loyal, hardworking and optimistic: I'm all of these things but I'm also affected by the people close to me. As long as you generally reflect these same characteristics back, life can be good. But what you're really saying is: "I'm a lazy, negative, spiteful, unreliable, cheating bitch and I need someone who balances things."
14) You must take good care of yourself and me: I take vitamins and try to eat my vegetables. I walk a lot. Everyday. But I'm fat and I'm old and have sleep apnea and adult-onset diabetes. But I'm remarkably healthy for an obese 56-year-old. But what your really saying is: "You must work out at the gym. Regularly. And keep your body rock hard. And lavish me with expensive gifts."
15) Hopefully you are also cute...:  What you're really saying is: "My number one (and only real) requirement is you've gotta be really hot, but I'm cleverly putting this at the end and using language that implies it's not really a requirement."
I'm batting pretty close to 100% of what you SAY you want, but close to zero on what you really mean.

Bill in Eugene




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