I’m busy. I’m always always always busy busy busy. My mind is a dominatrix, and it doesn’t let me fuck around. My body is the guitar in the corner, unplayed and gathering dust. It’s well-made and sounds great, but you’ve got to pick it up and play it. With a little study and practice, it totally rocks. Here’s some hints. Guitar 101. First off, if I’m at home I’m either working or sleeping, and I pity the poor fool who tries to interrupt either. If you wanna fuck, get me out of the house. A bar, an art museum, the zoo, a rock show, out to dinner, the dog track—anywhere there’s outside stimuli to take my mind off my internal chess game will do nicely. Walk around, hold my hand, maybe buy me a cocktail, then tell me everything with a long dirty kiss. Squeeze my hip firmly as if to say “you ain’t goin’ nowhere,” then steer me to a nearby closet or bathroom. Easy as pie. Initiating sex in the private sphere requires a bit more caution and skill. Always approach me from behind. It’s scarier that way, and I like the thrill. Don’t approach me from the front. Face-to-face is an aggressive stance and I will turn into an argumentative bitch. Pull me close to you, firmly, from behind, like the big strong man you are. Sure you already have a big strong hard-on, but don’t beat me over the head with it, cuz I’ll hit back. You’ve got big strong hands. Use them. And don’t pussyfoot around. Be confident, yet subtle. Work on your Jedi mind tricks. The point you are trying to get across is “You are an insatiable vixen who’s about to get fucked within an inch of her life.” Jedi mind tricks work extremely well. Pet me a little. Stroke my hair; maybe grab it a bit too firmly at the back of my head. Nothing works like a little pain to snap me out of mental mode and into physical. Pull my hair even harder so that my head tilts back. Wedge two fingers between my teeth, opening my mouth just a tad. Kiss me long and slow. Be very deliberate. I am an insane chick, a frantic overachiever. I desperately want you to be the boss, but I will never ever say so. Once you’ve got my attention, go for the jugular. My neck is among the top five places you should gently chew on (along with my hip bones, ears, spine from tip to tail, and the insides of my upper thighs). Bite my neck for a while, up and down and around to my collar bone. I saw a male lion do this to his girl in the Serengeti and I swear I wet my pants. “Oh, she’s liking that!” purred my friend Kate, coaxing him on. The neck is a very important erogenous zone. You’ll get much further much faster by chewing on my neck than you will lapping at my labia or sucking on my tits. In fact, if you so much as sip on the latter, I’ll probably punch you, you big fucking baby. My nipples are very sensitive and don’t like to be manhandled AT ALL. Back to my neck, which is (hopefully you’re noticing) very, very close to my ears. Lean in and whisper, softly but firmly, “I am going to fuck the shit out of you.” Follow that with a bit more nibbling and I’ll be on the floor. Once I’m on the floor, get my pants off. I’ve surrendered so you’ll have to do this yourself. Belt, buttons, zipper. My legs are a couple of fucking clitorises, I swear, and no one pays any goddamn attention to them. Probably cuz by this point I’m insisting you TAKE THE PLUNGE. Don’t. You’re the boss! You’ve come this far, don’t stop now. Don’t let me tell you what to do. If you give in to me I’ll want you to come in ten seconds (I come in nine) so I can go back to work. Make me wait. I’ll go nuts. The longer you stoke my fire, the hotter it’ll be. All this is really Boy Scouts stuff, but most of you seem to have forgotten it. Everyone could use a few remedial lovemaking classes. But then you have to do your homework. If you are going to play guitar like Jimi Hendrix, you need to practice a lot. Ideally you should practice every day.