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xmag.com : April 2005 : Cadvice

Dear Cad,
The other day I went to my son's room to get him for dinner. At the door I heard the sounds noisy people engaged in sexual congress make. I knocked and there was abrupt silence. I told him it was time for dinner and that it was time for his friend Bruce to go. I saw a moment of a pornographic super-eight when I was sixteen (the same age as my son is now) quite by accident at a friend’s house. I believe that what I heard was the audio to that kind of a movie.
Should I confront my son? I don't want him watching pornography. His best friend Bruce is in the drama club, and like all artists is of questionable moral standing. Should I forbid their friendship? I wanted to kill him for tainting his brain with such filth. I know that nowadays it is normal for a boy to be curious about sex, but I'm in a pickle. Any help would be greatly appreciated.
Thank You,
Shocked Curious Afflicted Nascent Custodian

You say that you wanted to kill him? It is lucky for you that you didn't. Sadly it's illegal. Until very recently if you needed a son killed you could frame him for murder and then there was a chance that the government would murder him for you. But last month the Supreme Court narrowly abolished juvenile executions. It seems that kids are no longer deemed fit to be executed by the government. Their brains aren't fully formed or some nonsense. Supposedly teenagers don't make sound decisions.
I saw from the postmark on your letter that you are from Texas. You would have had it made. Texas had twenty-nine kids on death row. If you couldn't get your child executed in Texas you weren't even trying.
These days there is no good way to have a child murdered. I suppose the Supreme Court wants us to go back to the bad old days when we had to have our children murdered in back alleys under unsanitary conditions like a bunch of barbarians.
Another great (but sadly no longer feasible) way to get rid of your kid was to prove that he had engaged in homosexual activity. If your son is sixteen and likes to "watch pornography" with an actor named Bruce then I can guarantee that there is a t-shirt under his bed so stiff with seed that it stands up by itself. In more enlightened days you could have used that shirt to prove him guilty of gaiety. DNA testing would prove that your son and Bruce were at the very least helping each other to a reach-around, and that type of manual man-on-man manipulation would have been enough for some serious jail time. The reach-around is common courtesy when watching porn with pals. It probably was even when you were watching that super-eight at your friend’s house. Am I right? Had they used separate shirts for sop up you would have needed to secretly film them "watching pornography" which gets tricky because then you are producing child pornography, which is still illegal.
It doesn't matter now, the Supreme Court struck down the anti-gaiety law last year. Now it’s legal for your son to stuff as many cocks in his mouth as he wants, but tell him more than three at the same time can be painful. I learned that the hard way at a Young Republicans convention, and their penises were very small. What an embarrassing thing to admit. Me, a Young Republican!?
But I digress. If you want to keep cocks out of your son’s orifices then you had best keep him out of jail. Inmates are gayer than Australian Cub Scouts. If you are bound and determined to get your son killed your best bet is to tell someone at his school that when your son sees Bruce, blood rushes to and stiffens his penis. Gay is the new black for lynching. Good Luck with the killing of your son!
All The Best,
Cesar Augustus DeLillo





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