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xmag.com : May 2005 : Cadvice

Die Homo—

if you think that letting a man stick his pp in your but hole is good fun then you are sick. gays is the devil. Bee prepared to be smited. You should love the jesus and quit sucking them wieners. Quit recruiting our boys to youre sinful ways. We don’t cotton to your recruitment of them tots. dont make our lil’uns grow up in your sinful ways just because you cant have your own kids cause youse is gay and god hates them gays and its unatural for you to have anal sex and thats why it gives you aids and not kids like what god made sex for and no other reason. In hell you will be sad that you chose your life or sin and wish you went to church and not loved men and loved jesus. if i could leave the alabammy I might drive up there and kill you myself and all your homo gay wife trannies too.
your enemy,
Pissed Off Pappy Earl

Dear POPE,

When I noticed that your letter was postmarked a week after your death and realized that you had written me from beyond the grave I was humbled. To my knowledge, other than the letter God wrote Moses on stone tablets, this is the only correspondence that has been delivered directly from heaven to a mortal man. Am I the new Moses? Will I be able to part anything I want, or just seas? Parting things is key, and I’ll want it in the contract.
I have waited for a reply to the letter I wrote to you when I was six for a long time. I was young and did not know that molestation was a normal thing for a priest to do and that you condoned it. I knew that altar boys were to eat the body of Christ during communion, but did not know that they were to eat the priests after mass. If I had known I would not have bothered you. Until now I always thought you had simply ignored my letter. You were a busy man, but you have all of eternity to catch up on things. If that letter brought me to your attention, and is in any way responsible for me becoming the new Moses, then I’m glad that I wrote it.
Since I got your letter I have been doing some serious thinking and I want to make sure I have some things straight before I accept the position of Moses.
The church believes in the sanctity of life, yet committed the Crusades in which 1.5 million Muslims died. You were personally for the war in Iraq in which more than ten thousand Iraqi civilians have been killed so far. Am I right to extrapolate from these facts that only white people’s lives are holy? Jesus wasn’t white, but was from the Middle East. Romans killed Jesus. You were the head of the Roman Catholic church. The Catholic church says that Jesus had to die for our sins. Did you guys see to that personally? I understand that any documents dealing with the Catholic church’s involvement in the murder of Jesus might be classified but if I’m to be the new Moses I’m going to need security clearance.
While alive you said that homosexuality was an “ideology of evil” and that legislation to prevent discrimination against gays was “insidious”, that it “attempts to pit human rights against the family and against man.” Strange statements from someone who was once threatened with deportation to a Nazi labor camp.
No matter how fucked up the things you said were, at least you said them articulately while you were alive. Now you write like the drunk Grand Wizard Klansman after whom you modeled your wardrobe in life. What good is it being a molding corpse if you can’t speak your mind? Baptized boys thirteen and over are eligible to be the next Pope. Could I be the new Pope and the new Moses? Could I collect both salaries? Would I have to pal around with G.W. like you did, or could I snub him at parties?

Best Regards,

Moses Junior






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