"Can we, as a country, all
: February 2006: Pickup Lines
February. Let’s pretend for a
second that I’m a typical single
woman affected by the prospect of another
lame-ass Valentine’s Day, and
I’m looking to get laid some time
around the 14th. So as I’m surfing
the Web, I decide to follow one of those
obnoxiously over-advertised links to
MSN.com, and suddenly, there it is.
An article titled “9 Pick-Up Lines
for Women,” where they ask the
question, “Are you afraid of appearing
over-eager or even desperate if you
approach a man?” (Objection, your
honor—leading the witness!) Wow.
As I read these dating tips from MSN,
I find them to be lacking at best, insulting
at face value.
Thankfully, they start by giving us
permission to be forward with men by
explaining that “If the move is
tactful and genuine, you won’t
come off as loose or frantic—or
a stalker.” Whew, let me tell
you, that is good news, because I was
on the verge of becoming a lonely spinster,
so inadequate in my flirting techniques
Following is their list, explaining
to millions of women how to snag Mr.
Right. While they do give us the earth-shattering
news that it’s OK to “simply
say what you feel,” or to “just
ask him” (noooo, really?), there
are a number of other demoralizing suggestions
that put women right where MSN wants
them—needing more advice.
Let’s give this list a little
makeover, shall we?
Number 2 on their list: “Touchdown.”
If you’re a sports fan, you’ve
got a leg up on some of the other girls.
With football season in full swing,
use your sports acumen as an entree.
“I always respond to a cute girl
who knows her sports,” says Lars,
24, of Boston. “Make a comment
about a play or a draft pick, and you’ll
definitely get my attention.”
Oh no, not Lars again. Don’t you
think we’ve caught on by now,
MSN?? That guy is the one that ends
up in front of the TV every waking hour,
dictating our lives with sports statistics
and demands for more beer. Sure, there
are some hot women out there that are
actually into sports, but what if you’re
not? Well, ladies, you better bust out
the old almanacs and get to reading,
because there’s no way Lars is
gonna be interested in anything you
might like, unless you have applied
at Hooters and know who Ben Rothlisberger
is. Try this…talk to Mr. Potential
about things you may have in common
and let that be the indicator, not how
well you can fake it.
Let’s jump ahead to number 5 on
their list, where MSN again reminds
women of their exact place in the household—dependent
on the man, of course. “Monkey
Wrench.” Spot a hottie in the
hardware store? Getting help is a great
icebreaker. “I was getting a plunger
and saw a cute guy in the plumbing aisle,”
recalls Anna, 45, of Portland. “I
asked if he had any recommendations,
and he did. To pay him back, I offered
to buy him
coffee. It worked."
Hmmmm…instead of asking a man
for more help in a department we’re
perfectly capable in, why not try showing
off your expertise (unless you don’t
know how to work a plunger)? Let Mr.
Hardware Boy overhear you talking to
the PIC about your upcoming project
and how time-consuming remodeling your
bathroom has turned out to be. Unfortunately,
men are still completely shocked and
awed by a woman who knows her stuff,
so instead of appearing helpless, show
him you are sexy AND self-sufficient.
Oh, the humiliation of number 6: “Tongue.”
Feeling daring? Up the sexy factor.
“I started talking to a man at
a local bar,” says LouAnne, 39,
of San Antonio. “We’d been
talking for over an hour when I suddenly
realized I was attracted to him. I flirted
a little, and when he didn’t immediately
respond, I showed him how I could tie
a cherry stem into a knot with my tongue.
After he quit blushing, he asked me
OK, first of all…I’d like
to see what it looks like when a woman
“suddenly realizes she’s
attracted to someone” after an
hour of talking to him. Do her eyes
bug out of her head as though he just
said something outrageous? Does her
jaw drop? Is it hard to refrain from
admitting, “Oh my God, I just
found you attractive at this very moment!
I can go home with you now!” Leads
one to wonder how many drinks she’d
had in that hour…
Setting the beer goggles aside, let’s
focus on the meaning of this advice.
The woman had somehow kept the man’s
attention for a full hour. There was
something other than sucking on cherry
stems that he found attractive and engaging.
I find it interesting that the minute
she pulled the “ditzy girl”
routine, Mr. Intellect “didn’t
immediately respond.” It would
appear he was as surprised by her sudden
attraction to him as she was. As soon
as he realized the intelligent person
he was just talking to had been replaced
with a sex-crazed airhead, it’s
no wonder he asked her to “dance.”
Should we assume her cherry stem twirls
won’t keep him around for long?
As for our little counter-advice, ditch
the cherries for brainpower, unless
you want to wake up alone.
Finally, let’s end this charade
with a little common sense, which I
was amazed to find anywhere in this
article. Their answer number 9: “Results.”
Sometimes you have to skip the formalities.
“I was sitting in a club the other
night, wracking my brain for something
pithy to say to a nice-looking man down
the bar,” says Mandy, 33. “I
came up empty. I moved to the stool
next to him and told him just that.
At the end of the night, he asked for
my number, and we’ve been on two
dates. I guess the direct approach works."
OK. Now this makes sense. Actually telling
a man the truth about who you are and
how you feel, instead of sucker-punching
him and tricking him into thinking you’re
some sports-crazed dimwit who can’t
unclog her own toilet. Allow me to let
you in on a little secret: It doesn’t
matter what you say. If the attraction
is there, it’s there, and no list
of “how to kiss a guy’s
ass” is gonna change that. Not
to mention, the guy you snag with these
tricks is the guy you’re stuck
with in the end. The real you has to
come out sometime…why not use
that up-front and attract the real men?
Here’s an icebreaker he’ll
never forget: “Hey, you remind
me of my Grandfather...but I haven’t
fucked you yet!”
Happy V-Day, kids.
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