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xmag.com : April 2006 : Cunnilingus

Modern man lives in a modern world filled with modern conveniences and modern problems. One of modern man’s most problematic modern problems is the fact that modernization has also swept over the female of the species, who is no longer content to languish in the background blindly supporting her husband while he receives all the trophies and all the oral sex.

Modern woman demands that modern man provide her with robust, satisfying orgasms, the sort that Mother Nature, in her arbitrarily cruel design, has generally denied her through the blunt routine of traditional sexual intercourse. Since a woman’s Pleasure Trigger resides due north of her vagina rather than inside of it, many if not most women are left bored and unsatisfied even after the most vigorous round of penile-vaginal rutting. And unsatisfied women, as we all know from the tabloids and divorce statistics, are wont to run into the arms and mouths of eager, husky lesbians, living on alimony payments while her ex-husband and squealing offspring are left to fend for themselves.
Women, since they own vaginas and are generally more sensuous than men anyway, are innately better at orally pleasuring women than any man could ever aspire to be. Man’s only hope—and it’s a flimsy, desperate, inevitably doomed hope at that—is that he can follow a rigorous program of sensitivity training and oral calisthenics that ultimately give him the Mouth of a Lesbian.
A man who can eat a vagina with the aplomb of a Hoover vacuum sucking waste particles from a carpet will find that he is “Joe Popular” and a “hit with the ladies.” His social calendar will suddenly fill up months in advance as the neighborhood women line up around the block in order to strap their gams around his gums.

“Cunnilingus,” quite simply, is the act of using your mouth to orally pleasure a woman’s private parts, hopefully until she achieves the proper release. It has been shrouded in superstition and cloaked in taboo since civilization first emerged from the monkey-laden plains of the lower Kalahari. Due to pervasive cultural ignorance and rampant patriarchal bigotry, as well as huge measures of healthy natural instinct, it has historically been deemed degrading, disgusting, and inherently effeminizing to all males who perform it. And while the stark, shameful truth remains that it is almost exclusively the domain of tragically under-endowed she-men who can’t satisfy a woman any other way, it behooves us to not rub your inadequacies in your face, at least not within the sanctimonious confines of a purportedly informational instructional manual such as this one pretends to be. As sad as it is that you’re reading this in the vain hope that you’ll ultimately be able to charm even one woman, it’d be much sadder for you to soberly apprehend your eternal sexual worthlessness and wind up on a commuter train wielding a machine gun. So on with the fantasy games!

YOUR LOVER’S VAGINA is a secret perfumed garden, a dank, musty cave, a deep, briny ocean containing all of life’s mysteries within its mucus-lathered walls. There she is, spread before you—a moist, nourishing buffet of saucy spices and tantalizing flavors. A delightful, sensuous feast of vaginal morsels and tasty fluids. An exotic fondue of gooey treats and intoxicating odors. So dive in like you’re on Death Row and this is your last meal.
Although there is scant pleasure in craning your neck and lapping away like a mechanical robot dog, there is nothing to be gained by admitting this fact. Although women are strong, bold, noble Moon Daughters, even the fairest flower in the bunch is beset with a tangled complex of gnawing insecurities and “body-image” issues which it is always wiser to humor and patronize than to directly confront.
Therefore, the most crucial skill of any would-be successful cunnilinguist is to ACT AS IF YOU LIKE DOING IT. It is very important to a woman’s self-esteem that you lie to her and tell you that you enjoy doing this. Lie straight through your teeth and tell her you can’t wait to do it again. In certain delicate life situations, it is almost always better to lie. This is one of those situations.
Before proceeding to “Eat at the Y,” you should take certain precautions to set the proper erotic mood. Demand documented proof that she is not HIV-positive nor afflicted with Hep-C, gonorrhea and/or syphilis. Under harsh overhead lights, scrutinize her pubis to ensure that it boasts neither pus-oozing herpes sores nor a lunar landscape of crusty genital warts. If cleanliness is a concern, require her to vigorously scrub her rancid nether regions with warm water, industrial-grade solvents, and a loofa sponge. Once you’ve forced her to jump through an impersonal series of hoops regarding her microbial and olfactory acceptability, you both should be relaxed and confident enough to engage in oral-genital intimacy.
Speak to her gently and softly, realizing that women are much more complex (neurotic) than men and require much more time and understanding (laborious effort) in order to attain physical ecstasy. Tell her she’s the prettiest plum to fall from the whole darn plum tree and that you’re the luckiest fella on Earth to be sitting there with your head crammed between her thighs, making your jaw sore all in the name of her pleasure, which obviously takes precedence over your extended discomfort. Kiss her softly and slowly up and down her body, whispering into her waxy ear that you’d much rather be doing this than jamming your bone straight up her ass, popping your load in under a minute, and falling away snoring. Inform her that you’ve expended hundreds of hours scrutinizing clinical diagrams of Vagina Parts and invested years poring over dusty guidebooks featuring step-by-step instructions on How to Please a Woman. Nothing lubes a girl’s loins faster than a lonely, mortifyingly self-conscious shlub who approaches the sex act as if it were a Community College degree in Accounting. Women crave the attentive ministrations of men entirely unaware that good sex occurs in almost mathematically inverse proportion to how hard you consciously struggle to make it good.
Although communication is said to be the most
important part of a successful sexual relationship, it is paramount that you do not disclose your overweening fears regarding your fundamental inadequacy. Your insecurities, although entirely justified, must remain as dark and mysterious to her as her vaginal mysteries remain obscure and shut-off to you. As you kneel there, hunched-over and buried face-deep in her sex, it is crucial that you maintain the charade and continue to lie both to yourself and to her. In the off chance that you’ve mastered enough finesse to orally escort her to Heaven’s Gate and she forcibly grabs your ears and plants your face suffocatingly inside her Meadow of Hairy Wetness while shrieking like a mongoose in estrus, take bitter comfort in the knowledge that her pleasure and the future of your relationship depend solely on the truth never, ever rising to the surface.

Helpful Suggestions for Orally Pleasuring A Woman’s Privates:

1) Playfully flick your tongue around her clitoris as if you were a mischievous hummingbird teasing a horny flower bulb.
2) From memory, write the Declaration of Independence on her inner thigh using only the tip of your tongue.
3) Light some sensuous candles, preferably scented ones, to “enhance the mood.” Favorite flavors include: Warm Vanilla Cookie, Key Lime Pie, and Pumpkin Surprise.
4) Lick sideways, then up, then down, then in criss-cross
patterns, then in a ‘Figure 8,” then slowly and softly grasp her vaginal lips with your teeth, continuing to lick up and down in a vertical motion, then run the entire length of your tongue up and down on her clitoris while bobbing your head as if nodding “yes,” then expel a small amount of spittle directly onto her clitoris from your mouth, smearing it onto her vulva using rapid tongue motions, then make eye contact with her as you passionately lap at her outer labia, then stiffen your tongue and probe into her vaginal canal as if you were an eel seeking an underwater cave, then nuzzle her pubic hair with your nose while you make a “buzzing” sound a half-inch over her clitotris with your mouth. Women LOVE when you do this.




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