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xmag.com : May 2006 : My Erogenous Zones

Will you PLEASE pull my cock out of your mouth and realize there’s more than one way to give me pleasure? I have no problem with your abject schween-worship, but what about the REST of me? Doesn’t THAT count for something? It’s not all about the cock, darlin’. Sometimes I need some SPECIAL touchin’, too. My body is a colossal pink island of nerve endings yearning to be stroked, pinched, and caressed. Don’t you want me to have a better orgasm? Don’t you want me to call you again? Sure you do. My pleasure is your business. So with my uncanny foresight and boundless regard for your well-being, I’m providing this Road Map of my “special places.” Study it. Then tape it to your headboard.


Every millimeter of both ears is ultra-sensitive, especially the hole. Breathe and moan into my lonely erotic audio-coves, but please, fair child, do not scream. Cram your tongue in one ear and plug the other with your finger. It will strengthen my penile rigidity and might even increase the volume of my ejaculation.


Fear them not. Many ladies find the faint aromas which flutter from my well-groomed underarms to be a pheromone-spiked
butterscotch sundae. Run your fingers through these nectar-laden nests and, if you’re truly devoted to pleasing me, lick them. If you ride the thin line between touching and tickling, if you walk without trepidation into my Secret Jungle of Happiness, you’ve made a friend for life.


These non-lactating vestiges of an embryonic womanhood—beyond which I was wise enough to evolve—serve no other purpose than to feed my
carnal delight. Rub my gentle rosebuds ‘tween your thumb and forefinger. Lick my nips as if they contain essential nutrients. Nibble lightly if you must. Tune these radio dials straight toward a radio station called
PLEASURE, but don’t pinch too tightly or you may get an involuntary slap.


Also called yarbles, balls, nuts, testes, or, in Yiddish, “testicles.” Your vagina cannot give life until it is first given to you from my testicles, where little baby sperm are made. I tote around a nice shaven sac, a freshly shorn Easter basket, a clean pink suitcase. Touching them with your hands doesn’t do much for me. So lick them. Flap, flip, and flop your tongue all over and around them. Earn your keep, woman.


I never heard of anyone
citing this as an erogenous zone before, and if I did,
I must have ignored them. Behind where my knee bends, there’s a pleasure pocket, the soft white underbelly of my unreasonably muscular legs. The lighter the touch here, the better. Touch or kiss softly, lest you offend me.


If God didn’t want you to play with my ass, he wouldn’t have placed so many neurons there. Lightly touch the areas around the anal areola. Use your finger or, if you’re really drunk, your tongue. But you don’t wanna try sticking things in there. My mother tried, and she’s dead now.




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