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xmag.com : July 2006 : Another Lonely Night

Among our high-school memories, the dream of banging a teacher ranks high. I recall one sleek babe who nailed a math teacher in her senior year. He was a young, good-looking dude in his first year of teaching at Lincoln High—thus, as soon as the school year kicked in, rumors of possible transgressions on his part were of much greater interest than any algebra equations he scratched on the blackboard. He played it cool, and despite the whispers in the boys’ locker room, nobody really knew if the guy was canoodling one of the pubescent dolls bouncing through Lincoln’s hallways. Toward the end of the year, he got a bit reckless. This tall, slender senior who made a point of telling her friends she preferred hanging out with older guys was frequently spotted leaning over his desk, requesting help to get her through trigonometry. I suspect she aced the class. In any case, he ended up quitting and married her a year later. As far as I know, he was not forced out of the school system and there was no scandal. Guess the guy got what he wanted at Lincoln and moved on to a higher-paying job.
For my part, I had my eyes on a cute English teacher who made us diagram sentences. Now this was back in the late fifties, but even then teaching grammar by diagramming sentences was considered old-school. Maybe that is still a good way to learn grammar, but for sure diagramming sentences locked down any talk of her interest in high-school boys. No rumors about her circulating around. No teacher nookie for me.
Sadly, Fuck the Teacher from Excalibur Films fails to convey the reality of a teacher-student fuckfest. I can go for a teacher sucking off a student, which is the main theme in this DVD, but a busty teacher with a tattoo giving a blow job? I don’t know. Has there ever been a teacher in a home room sporting a tattoo?
On top of that, this director, Martin Del Toro, is best know for having his porn dolls take a load in their mouths and then spitting it out on the camera lens. No doubt there’s a niche market here of fans who dig cum-spitters, but it’s not my thing. She opens her mouth wide, cranks her head back and forth like a piston, the dick’s driving all the way down her throat, the load pops, then suddenly she turns her head to the side and lets the glob fly. “See ya, my job’s done.”
A former high-school gymnastics champ, Lexie Marie, offers herself up as an anxious cheerleader in need of students, teachers or any other guy on the block in Extreme Close Up: Lexie from Vivid. This is top-notch for reliving that old high-school dream. Moving past high school, Sweetheart from Sin City is at times a fairly decent spoof on the price of celebrity fame. Lauren Phoenix and Steven St. Croix play a pair of TV stars who split up and then trash each other on TV talk shows. Great sex scenes throughout and the fake anguish offered up by Lauren blabbing before the cameras is priceless. Smother Me, directed by Uncle D, known as the “Canadian Ass Man,” comes with a high recommendation from John “Buttman” Stagliano. In fact, he produced this DVD from Evil Angel. A few years back, Stagliano discovered Uncle D’s ass-fetish website and was so impressed with the face-sitting, he hooked up with Uncle D and brought forth this DVD. Lotta big butt in here for the boys who like it supersized.
Finally, I’ll take this opportunity—again—to plug my memoir, Vanilla Slim, published under my real name, Bob Armstrong. You can pick it up at Borders, Barnes & Noble, Powell’s or hopefully your neighborhood bookstore. A book reviewer in the New York Post said, “Armstrong is a wannabe hipster journalist, an overage white pimp, speed freak and convicted felon. In short: a loser.”
I am a loser, but it feels great to get a book published and trashed by reviewer in the Big Apple.




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