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xmag.com : July 2006 : Whorescopes

Aries March 21 – April 19
You might actually keep your pants on this month; Mars has moved into the sex-phobic sign of Virgo. You’ll be feeling somewhat prudish and very particular. You’ve got some bizarre and erotic expectations that need to be met if anyone’s going to be able to get naked with you.

Sign That Thinks You’re Sexy: Virgo


Taurus April 20 – May 20
Well, Venus is moving into Cancer on the 18th, making your sap so sticky no one will be able to escape. Apparently some people are into that clingy kind of affection, so try to save it for them. You’re super-sensitive right now, so avoid situations that put your emotions at risk.

Sign That Thinks You’re Sexy: Libra


GEMINI May 21 – June 20
Venus will hanging out in your sign for most of the month, so you just might be convinced you’ve found one of those soulmates you’ve been looking for. But that’s only going to seem like a good idea for a minute; Mercury has gone crazy this month and your Gemini mind definitely won’t stay focused on one piece of ass for long.

Sign That Thinks You’re Sexy: Leo


CANCER June 21 – July 22
I’m sure a part of you would like to believe that the glyph representing your sign has something to do with oral sex. Wrong. Really, how many Cancers give good head? But fortunately, the sun is passing through your sign and overheating your crab shell. Now is the time to expose your sexy underbelly and do something to make up for all that faulty fellatio. Oh, and happy birthday!

Sign That Thinks You’re Sexy: Capricorn


LEO July 23 – August 22
So the sun is going to be stuck in Cancer this month, pissing out most of your flame and leaving you all emotional and moody. Poor, poor Leo, just keep yourself in the center of attention and no one will get hurt.

Sign That Thinks You’re Sexy: Gemini


VIRGO August 23 – September 22
Your guiding force Mercury has lost its mind this month, so get ready to be the biggest basket case you’ve ever been. Aside from all your neuroses, Mars has started a fire in your chastity belt. You could either beat this one out yourself or call the fire department for some help.

Sign That Thinks You’re Sexy: Aries


LIBRA September 23 – October 22
Well, Libra, Venus will be entering the sign of Cancer on the 18th. Get ready for a serious wave of emotion that might tip your balanced scales. You may actually get a little needy and jealous. Your favorite sexy style is probably spooning.

Sign That Thinks You’re Sexy: Taurus


SCORPIO October 23 – September 21
Go for the goo! Jupiter will be going direct the 6th, hopefully giving you a little ambition and a lucky streak. Stop punishing yourself, Scorpio, its time to share your sexy!

Sign That Thinks You’re Sexy: Sagittarius


SAGITTARIUS November 22 – December 21
Jupiter’s in Scorpio this year, getting you sexually inspired, so I’m sure you’ve been brooding on some serious philosophies of sexy. Life should be getting a little easier on the 6th when Jupiter goes direct again. You’ll be back on the hunt for that good orgasm, so good luck; really, I hope you find one.

Sign That Thinks You’re Sexy: Scorpio


CAPRICORN December 22 – January 19
There’s a full moon for you on the 10th. Get ready to drop your drawers and put your booty in the air;
it’s time to expose yourself. Let all those things you repress come out under the under the light of this Capricorn moon.

Sign That Thinks You’re Sexy: Cancer


AQUARIUS January 20 – February 18
Well, Aquarius, Neptune and Uranus still have you all fucked-up. Really, you might find yourself eating some ass when you really think you just have a mouth full of nuts. You’ve totally lost your unique sense of direction, so I’m advising you not to follow your nose.

Sign That Thinks You’re Sexy: Pisces


PISCES ­February 19 – March 20
So I’m guessing your imagination has reached
some new level of bizarre that even shocks you. When trying out your latest fetish, be cautious and make sure no one gets hurt.

Sign That Thinks You’re Sexy: Aquarius

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