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xmag.com : August 2006 : Space Cretins

It happens all too often: I’m given a CD from a local band that I’ve ‘heard of’ but never actually heard, and as soon as I’m halfway through it I’m immediately pissed off that there are so many knobs out there that have made it while good music is left unappreciated by so many other rock ’n’ rollers. While musically inept sissies such as Nick Lachey are out there selling their asses for nothing more than the sake of vanity, the Space Cretins are doing what they do best—rocking, rolling, and laying down sexy beats for the ladies to shake their booties.
Formed in 2004 by the group’s vocalist, Paul Ace Diamond Blow, this group has already made a name for themselves in the local scene. They’ve become a favorite among the glam/punk/LA buttrockers and have an avid reputation for being the last at a party to pass out. With Danger Dayne on drums, Otis P. Otis on guitar, and Markass Starkiss Karkass on bass, these four musicians pull together to create the sound that is the Space Cretins. Their first CD, Rocket Roll, keeps the intensity that defines all that is rock ’n’ roll while possessing the ability to make you want to reach for the nearest bottle and slam whatever inebriating substance it might hold. This belligerence-inducing piece of plastic is best played loud as fuck...or while fucking loudly.
This band left me rocked, shocked, and a little bit confused about their name and what they’re all about, so I requested a sit-down with this band to pick their brains. Instead, we got drunk while I attempted to comprehend the carnal spewing of the Space Cretins.

EU: So, guys, I’ve got to know—where did you guys come up with the name? Why “The Space Cretins?”
SC: (Paul) Spacehog was already taken, and we’re still hoping for a chance encounter with William Shatner in a Hong Kong karaoke bar where he would tell us that it was our destiny to start a ‘super-cyber’ band to put the FUN back in rock ’n’ roll.
EU: Have any of you guys ever been abducted by aliens?
SC: (Paul) It doesn’t matter because the CIA still denies that we actually exist.
(Otis) Yeah, they held me captive and put salsa in my buttocks.
EU: What is it that disgusts you with the current music scene?
SC: (Paul) Everyone is so quick to put a generalized label on everything, and it makes for this all-or-nothing sheepish band of followers. Look, music either rocks or it doesn’t. Why do you have to act, look, or be a certain way to be considered part of a genre or crowd? People should be able to enjoy a multitude of different types of music without feeling like a social outcast because they don’t fit the stereotypical mold. Whatever happened to an open mind?
EU: So who do you guys like nowadays?
SC: (Paul) The Ramones, Go Like Hell, The Ones, William Shatner, NY glam.
EU: Why music? Why not something else? (Career, family, etc.)
SC: (Otis) I fell asleep in ’79 (’cause I was loaded), I woke up. I got responsible. And now I’m doin’ it all over again (takes shot).
(Paul) When I was a kid, all I wanted to be was a rock star. I know I wouldn’t be happy doing anything else. Well, that, and I love to hear the sound of my own voice. I also put a mirror on the end of my microphone to watch myself play. It’s the sound of love. (Laughter, followed by excessive drinking.) But seriously, what are we going to do? Quit? Not a chance. Music matters. We like to rock and go on benders. What do you like to do?
EU: Do you believe that’s it’s not butter?
SC: (Otis) It ain’t butter, it’s margarine. Just because it spreads easier, it ain’t butter.
EU: What’s the best thing about being a rock star, or at least
pretending to? What are some of the greatest perks?
SC: (Otis) Free drink tickets.
(Dayne) Girls, free drinks, free drugs. (Takes shot.)
(Paul) I’m sorry, what was the question? We’re not trying to stimulate brain cells or impress with fancy-fied riffage, we’re just trying to put the swagger back into leather rock ’n’ roll pants.

See for yourself what you’re missing as The Space Cretins invade The Funhouse on Thursday, August 24th for the Underground Music Showcase with 1,2,3,4 and The Ones…and yes, I’ll be there. That asshole publisher is forcing me to enter
the covergirl Jell-O wrestling contest. The things I do for this magazine are
truly beyond me. For more on the Space Cretins, visit their website at www.spacecretins.com or on my space at http://www.myspace.com/spacecretins.




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