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xmag.com : October 2006 :The Devil's Owned

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Ever hear or see a band that you just know the Devil himself would throw horns at? Have you ever seen a band with more evil and depravity than a Kathy Lee Gifford sweatshop? You know the groups, the ones that sweat blood out of their corneas and eat a bowl of nails for breakfast WITHOUT ANY MILK. The following ten bands, groups, minions of Beelzebub, or individuals have been chosen for just that. Whether they rock, shock, or make Tibetan monks grow hair so they can head-bang, these blasphemous bastards take the innocence in life and pound it into a fine white powder for us to inject into our devious veins.

10. LORDI I don’t know if I can say much about these guys that can’t be seen in a photograph. Hailing from Finland, these four crazy bastards and one psychopathic bitch have taken Europe by storm. They’ve won countless awards, including Best Pop Song in Europe’s version of the Grammys, are often MC’ed by Dee Snyder, and even have former KISS axeman Bruce Kulick featured on their latest CD. With such lyrics as “The devil is my bitch,” I bet these guys could throw down with a hefty S&M session with ol’ Lucifer. Their sound is hardcore butt-rock, and their feel is hardcore ass-kick. Expect to see more of these abominations around, I hardly doubt you could miss them. www.myspace.com/thelordi. Check out their videos, I think I’m still laughing, except this time, blood came out of my nose instead of milk.

9. MARILYN MANSON Love him or hate him, this lyrical monster is a fucking genius. As intelligent as he is scary, Marilyn Manson reinvented the standards for free speech in music and has taken a constant bashing from both the media and angry grandmas on the bus. It’s not just that he was a long-time friend and colleague of Anton Szandor LaVey (the leader of the Church of Satan) or that he’s married to one of the hottest gothic pieces of ass, Dita Von Teese. It’s that he continues to have something outrageous and amazing to say, as soon as you start listening and stop staring at his seemingly vacant eyeball.

8. GWAR I’ve always wondered what it would be like to be the decaying aborted fetuses of hell’s prostitutes, and if I ever get the chance to meet Gwar, I’ll have to ask them. It’s not just the outlandish costumes, blood, disembodiments and dismemberments— it’s the show these guys put on and the presence they project. I don’t know what you’d call it, but it’s entertaining as hell. Who could forget the scene in Empire Records where an employee eats pot brownies and visualized being eaten onstage by a phallic-looking drooling tube with teeth? Gwar is what happens when parents do PCP before making Halloween costumes.

7. BARBRA STREISAND Maybe it’s the voice…you know, that screeching nasal appendage that tears through your lower intestine and kinda makes you want to punch small children in the face. God forbid should there be a day-care center around, because those kids are FUCKED. Alas, Satan loves Babs and her reverse rhinoplasty. She’s been feeding off of divorced, widowed, fat-ass 50- year-olds—giving them false hope in hard times, and Satan loves deception. Somebody please take this bitch out with a 12-gauge.

6. ROB ZOMBIE The man, the director, the originator of some of the best intros in musical history, Rob Zombie has been playing Texas Hold ’Em with the devil since White Zombie, and he’s been writing, directing and scoring some of the most outstanding cult films in history. His creation of some of the most notorious characters in the horror genre has been a perfect complement to his by AERYN MARTIN exotic magazine - august | 19 music and personal character. With grainy black-andwhite videos like that of “Living Dead Girl” and songs such as “Pussy Liquor,” Mr. Zombie takes the cake in classic horror brought to life. As he so eloquently put it, “All you need in life is monsters and hot girls. So long as those hot girls are holding a six-pack and a pack of Lucky’s.”

6.66 KEITH RICHARDS I would love to say a few words about rock ’n’ roll’s holder of the most liver damage cause by an intoxicating substance, but he already sold his soul and all copyright laws about his name and/or music to Satan for a teener...thirteen times.

5. MESHUGGAH The Yiddish word ’Meshuggah’ translates into ’crazy’ in English, and these vile fuckers are just that. They’re an experimental group from Sweden, and I wouldn’t be surprised if they coated their crepes in blood. I could go on and on about this group, and it’d be useless unless you’ve seen them live. If you’re looking for a similar effect, just superglue some razor blades onto a Q-tip and start digging into your eardrum.

4. SLAYER SLAYER!! SLAYER!! MOTHERFUCKING SLAYER!!! I don’t know of a single spike-toting, tattoo-sporting, beerconsuming metalhead who doesn’t idolize this musically immortal group. I don’t think I’ve gone to a single metal show where I haven’t seen about a hundred of those little inverted pentagram patches slapped on the leather of Seattle’s finest moshers. Slayer dominates in talent and dropkicks onstage. Hell-bent on making you leave a show with battle scars from the pit, Slayer is the background music to hell’s ritualistic...errr...slayings.

3. CRADLE OF FILTH If there is ever a “Best Band T-shirt” award, these guys would win it. I don’t know if they’re Goth, metal, death-metal, or rock, but with songs such as “Lord Abortion,” what’s not to adore about these spooky spooks of spookiness? They’ve been flyin’ around the world on the wings of the devil, and it dosen’t look like these patrons of face paint will be crashing anytime soon.

2. NINE INCH NAILS The Devil (and I) would love to fuck you in the back of your car, Trent, and god is dead—but I didn’t care until I heard Heresy. Industrial super-group NIN is without a doubt a landmark in hardcore. They house more angst than Gay Pride Day at a Catholic church and channel it into some of the most powerful music this century has ever heard. NIN reinvented the mosh pit, and every time someone plays Pretty Hate Machine from start to finish, an emo kid dies. It’s a beautiful thing.

1. OZZY OSBOURNE Now, I could have picked KISS to be number one. I love KISS and any group that totes the alleged nickname ’Knights In Satan’s Service’ is a badass in my book, not to mention Gene Simmons, AKA the tongue that launched a thousand orgasms, but after seeing Paul Stanley in his Richard Simmons tights in the “Heaven’s on Fire” video, I had to surrender the sacred spot to someone more deserving: the Ozzman. I think that biting the heads off of animals, snorting trails of ants, and breeding little shitheads like Kelly and Jack Osbourne truly makes you a pen pal of Lucifer. This sinister son of a bitch set the standards for metal and deviance alike, so he gets number fucking one. Deal with it. (Publisher’s Note: It seems like every time we do a top ten, I get a flood of emails, comments, or drunken accusations that our list was off the mark, or that we forgot the most notorious member that should have been a part of said list. The fact is, Aeryn wrote this, she’s in charge and you’re not, so as she said…deal with it. I myself disagree with some names that either were not mentioned, or mentioned at all, but if it was that big a deal to me, I guess I would have written the fucking thing myself, now wouldn’t I? But since I am the publisher, I get to complain right here if need be, and my biggest issue with her contribution is Lordi being number 10. I actually forced her to include these guys in the first place…but #10! Jesus, woman, and Trent Reznor is #2! Reznor lost his edge years ago, now he’s slipped into a, dare I say…emo state of popinfested diarrhea. If Satan ever did have a bid on Reznor’s soul, I think he traded it for someone with more balls by now, like Pat Boone.)




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