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xmag.com : October 2006 : He said...She said

Dear Underground,

The other night, my boyfriend and I were in a hot and heavy round of sex, and he bit my neck. Not like the normal love bites he normally had given me, but really REALLY hard. I squealed at first, but when he pulled back, I saw my own blood on his lips. I freaked the fuck out and got my clothes on while cussing him out the whole time, then left. By the time I got home, he had already sent me a very apologetic email explaining his actions. Apparently he’s into something called “blood sports.” He said he had shared this fetish with the girl he was with before me and was hoping he might be able to get me into it. I really like/liked this guy, but this kinda stuff is way over my head. I asked my girlfriends about it and they all think he’s a freak and that I should tell him to fuck off. Any suggestions? —Bloody Confused

AERYN SAYS: Well, the first question I have for you is whether or not the “girl he was with” before you still has a pulse or not. Playing in blood is one thing; gnawing and sucking on the jugular like a fat kid on a frozen Charleston Chew is another thing. I’d be concerned if it really is the blood that he’s into or if it’s that he’s a little too aggressive in the mouth department. If he’s into biting, then throw away all of his cheesy vampire movies and bad Gothic art and flick him in the testicle with a sharp fingernail every time he goes overboard with the jaw action. I’m sure he’ll stop. If he doesn’t stop, then just duct-tape a T-bone steak to your neck before your make-out sessions and let him go at it. Ball gags work, too, and you might want to try using one for your prude friends the next time they tell you not to get kinky. If it’s the blood he’s into and not the pain, then I don’t see there being a problem! I mean, AIDS and blood pathogens were SOOO 1986. So, after you dump your friends, why not rev the engine of this pseudo-vamp? Open up the floodgates and tease this kinkster of yours! Appease his carnal longings for your iron-induced juice while he’s at work by making him a thermos of tea during that time of the month using one of your saturated tampons. Hell, you’ve got daily tablespoons of red ambrosia just waiting to be secreted on this guy’s face every month. Every girl admits to being a little more horny when you’re on the rag, so why not have your boyfriend looking like Ronald McDonald? Any man that can sport a crimson chin is a good man in my book. One thing you have to consider is how awesome of a lubricant blood makes. It’s already underneath the surface, so why not have it above? Sport those red wings of glory and be proud that you’re using what nature gave you. You might want to consider getting a few backup sets of sheets and some bleach also. In any case, if he tries to get blood from you elsewhere, then this guy’s a razor blade away from getting the cops called once you show up at work with bite marks and such. Compromise with the monthly “liquid blessing.” Besides, it’s not blood—it’s war paint.

First of all, nobody calls it “blood sports” anymore. That term started going out of style back in 1988 with the unfortunate release of the movie Bloodsport starring Jean-Claude Van Damme. Everyone I know in the BDSM community calls what your boyfriend was doing “blood play.” Notice that word “play” in there? It’s important because it implies that even though it might hurt, everyone involved is supposed to be enjoying it, which clearly you were not. As fetishes go, blood play is not uncommon—a surprising number of people enjoy it. It can involve just about any object that can draw blood to the surface of the skin, from hypodermic needles and scalpels to fingernails and teeth. If you’ve ever done any SM, you can probably understand the appeal of blood play. Basically it’s about playing with the same kind of boundaries you play with in other types of SM—pain, body-marking, physicality, trust, etc. The thing is, though it’s not all that uncommon of a fetish, it is a pretty advanced kind of play to get involved in. A person really needs to know what the fuck they’re doing before they start making their partners bleed all over the place. Besides obvious infectious diseases, none of which are fun, there are other things that can make blood play more dangerous than ol’ run-of-themill SM (if there is such a thing). First, there are places on the body that are more dangerous to cut or bite than others. Also, some people can have extreme physiological reactions to bleeding, reactions that could require immediate medical attention if they occurred. Having the right information (and tools) for blood play helps you ensure that you and your partner will be able to enjoy it again and again without having to sacrifice anyone’s health in the process. Your boyfriend sounds pretty ignorant of the “do’s and don’ts” of this kind of play. But what is far more worrisome to me than his ignorance is the fact that he tried to spring his kink on you without any communication or preparation— and without your consent. At least he called you to apologize and explain himself. Hopefully that means he realized it was a shitty thing to do. Next time, before the two of you start playing, you should talk about this fetish and share the needs, thoughts, and the concerns both of you have. If after that you decide you’d like to experiment with it, you both need to do some research. I suggest taking a workshop at the Seattle Sex-Positive Community Center (www.WetSpot.org). There is just no substitute, in my opinion, for hands-on observation and training, and that’s a good place to find it. BC, I know that you had a pretty lame first experience with blood play, but with the right info and tools, trying it out can be interesting and safe, even if you decide that it’s not your thing in the end. And who knows—you might like it! If you don’t, however, and he continues to want to do it, then you have a few options:
1) He can give it up;
2) You can give him permission to do this kind of play with other people (which is a whole other article in itself); or
3) You guys need to go your separate ways and find other partners that are more kink-compatible. Now arm yourself with information, and I think the right choice for you will seem a lot more clear. Good luck!






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