my ears hadn’t
prepared me for
what mine eyes
were about to see. I had spent nearly
every waking minute of the previous six
weeks attending to my female pug’s nine
hungry puppies, alternately bottle-feeding them and making
sure that Mama Pug let them hang off her nips long enough to
get a hot, nourishing meal.
It was exhausting work—by
the time the ninth one was
fed, we were right back at
the top of the batting
order. I had fallen asleep
on the couch as the pups
cuddled together in a big
box on the floor.
The slurping sound roused me
from my brief siesta. I immediately
figured someone was
nursing, but I was startled to
look in the box and see Mama Pug was nowhere to be found.
Instead, to my incredulous horror, I espied one male puppy
feverishly BLOWING another! This is the sort of apparition for
which a lifetime of psychological counseling and spiritual training
could never prepare you, but I had to believe what my eyes
were laser-beaming into my brain. Little “Johnny Boston,” one
of the smaller pups, was bobbing his head up and down on the
micro-mini-cock of “Da Priest” with the diligence of someone
who faced a jailhouse beating if they resisted. Da Priest, for his
part, languidly lie on his back, legs spread and head lazily
pointed toward the side as if enjoying a foot rub.
Since neither one of them seemed remotely interested in
stopping their faggy little song-and-dance, I found it my duty as
a caregiver to immediately separate them. Alarmed, angry and
ashamed, I pondered the implications of this sordid act for
which the medical books and wildlife specials had not prepared
me: Were two of my puppies homosexuals? And if so, how
would this affect their market value?
Homosexuality among animals is as natural as a shiny red
apple on a big green apple tree. Despite galaxies of evidence to
the contrary, there still exist some mentally deficient Corn Nuts
who believe that homosexuality is unnatural, citing as Gospel
fact the myth that God’s beasts of the field are too macho and
law-abiding to ever dabble in same-sex pleasures.
Au contraire, my kind, closeted friend. The historical record
teems with case accounts of tawdry homo behavior among the
lower orders. A massive book called Biological Exuberance
claims that at least 470 species have been observed committing
same-sex acts ranging from fellatio to cunnilingus to
handjobs to pussy-bumping to “swordfighting” and full anal
penetration. Many of these acts result in orgasm for one
have been observed
using their trunks
to diddle each
other’s big rubbery
snatches. Lady monkeys and hedgehogs
routinely muff-dive. Male dolphins have
been known to fuck each other’s
blowholes and stimulate one
another’s naughty bits using
“sonic pulses.” Lesbian seagulls
form girl-only colonies off the
California coast while randy
West Indian boy manatees
engage in all-male orgies.
From the Agile Wallaby to the Bean
Weevil, from the Indian Fruit Bat to the
Mountain Dusky Salamander, from the
Southern Green Stink Bug to the
Yellow-Backed Chattering Lorikeet,
from the humble Tsetse Fly all the
way up to the majestic Sperm
Whale, it seems that all of God’s
creatures are prone to a little faggin’ off. And refreshingly,
they do it without any of the annoying self-labeling so peculiar
to humans. You might see orangutans blowing each other, but
they’d never identify themselves as “queer.” They’re just blowing
each other and having a good time.
Homophobes and troglodytes struggle to dismiss such obviously
GAY behavior as either a display of social dominance, a
friendly “greeting,” or even a case of mistaken identity. But
when you consider that orgasms occur, and that mutually affectionate
and protective same-sex “relationships” often persist for
years among animal couples who have ample access to the
opposite sex, it seems plausible that homosexuality might even
be an orientation among certain furry freaks.
This makes no sense from a Darwinian perspective, since evolution
dictates that all sex aims at procreation. But it may make
sense in that homosexuality lessens sexual competition and may
even facilitate social order. Consider the fact that “gay” animal
couples have been observed hatching others’ eggs and raising
the young’uns, often with more success than “straight” couples.
And never underestimate the social-bonding value of a good BJ.
Well, just because it’s natural doesn’t make it right, say the
critics. After all, animals have been known to eat their young.
Incest, gang rape, and pedophilic acts are also common
among those pesky varmints.
What is unnatural, you ask me? Nothing. What’s wrong with
any of it? I can’t say.
But beyond all the animal gay-play, and even out past where
the murderous baby-eating incestuous Prairie Dogs roam,
there’s another practice that exists both in the human realm
and the animal kingdom: Lifelong committed heterosexual
relationships. The only difference? It occurs with LESS
FREQUENCY than nearly all of the sick acts listed above.