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xmag.com : November 2006 : Naked & Famous

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(Editor’s Note: since we decided to do something a little different with our Seattle edition this month and give it a porn makeover like our Portland publication, I thought, why the hell not, let’s do a porn review. Believe it or not, I have not actually bought a porn DVD…EVER. Yeah, I’ve got some old VHS tapes that they used to send us to preview at Exotic, but blowing 40 bucks on a DVD? Nope, not me. So I’m wandering around in the porn store and somehow managed to see about three people I knew there. After explaining to them that I was looking for inspiration for the new issue (they didn’t believe me), I stumbled across Kimberly Kane’s directorial debut, Naked and Famous. Quick little rewind: I met “Kimberly” years ago when she was sweet sixteen and a girlfriend brought her home from Vegas and asked if she could stay at my place for a while. So I ended up with an adopted daughter of a sort that shadowed me for about THREE months. Ironic that this young lady, who couldn’t stand the lifestyle of the exotic dancer and swore she would never be one, not only eventually did, but advanced into porn stardom and eventually directing feature porn. Now, since this is my pseudo “daughter” so to speak, it kind of weirded me out doing the review myself, so take it away, BlackDove!) LIKE MOST PEOPLE, I can usually only get about ten minutes into any porn, even the classic bush-laden smut of the 70’s, before I have to turn it off and take care of business. Unfortunately, I got through the entire hour and ten minutes of Naked and Famous without even having to hit pause. It is a slightly different take on the classic concept of porn: No plots, no settings—just couches and floors and sex, spliced together across different scenarios. Each “scene” is a 10-20 minute stint of different people having sex in threesomes, lesbian encounters, double penetrations, etc. There’s even a scene with a horse, though sadly he doesn’t get any of the action. Granted, it starts with a bang. They don’t waste any time with cheesy 70’s bass lines, no gardener- meets-housewife plots. The opening scene starts midthrust, with a cute brunette being savagely pleasured by a giant black man. They were even so kind as to offer the pair an on-film “fluffer,” though she and the brunette both appear bored and are quite obviously just “going through the motions.” The next scene starts out promising enough, with a Bettie Page lookalike tied up and writhing. A female “dom” shows up with a cane, and as “Bettie” is struck with the cane, she lurches her body forward in supposed ecstasy. The giveaway is when she does it before the cane even hits her. There were a couple of scenes that were quite artistic. One featured a hollow-eyed blonde girl obviously in some sort of insane asylum. It was like a Marilyn Manson video where you actually get to see titties. This girl, with her Marla Singer mascara smears, ends up in an abandoned house, very reminiscent of Blair Witch Project, where she dances around in a torn-up tutu, waiting on an old white wroughtiron bed for her lover. Another scene that showed promise, and somewhat came through, was “Piston Sisters,” where the Bettie Page lookalike comes equipped with two thigh strap-ons. At first she just gyrates on the couch by her hot little self, but she is soon joined by the hottest girl in the lineup, Dani Woodward. These two are finally joined by another girl, a British blonde, and the threesome is complete. The most memorable scene in this porn was “Fortune and Glory,” AKA the Glory Hole Room. Two girls are left in a ten-by-ten room plastered with old porn magazine cutouts. It starts off innocently enough, with just one cock sliding through a hole in the wall. One of the girls latches on immediately, and soon two more cocks make their way into the room. Now there are three cocks and two girls, and while I couldn’t help but say, “There need to be more cocks,” the girls did pretty well to make sure all were satisfied. At one point, one of the girls was ramming the other girl’s head down on one of the cocks, and I was secretly hoping she would slam her head into the wall. Nothing like a good concussion to complete a blow job. All in all, Naked and Famous left me just a little lost. Yes, it was modern, yes it was artsy, and the women were hot enough. The soundtrack is pretty decent, though the songs themselves are placed in odd situations (such as in “Babyland,” where two fetish girls are going at it to techno hip-hop). The only problem was, not once during the entire porn did I see or hear the signs of a woman cumming. Apparently, I wasn’t the only one who was left feeling unsatisfied.





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