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xmag.com : September 2000 : Heavy petting

Heavy petting: By Dan Deprez

Over the last six years, readers of my columns have been given repeated and emphatic proof that: a.) there is almost no end to the folly of human mating patterns, and b.) I have no clue.
Since my goal is to impart wisdom (and also to prove that no one else knows what the hell is going on either), I have decided to make use of the most fabulous invention of the last decade: the focus group. I assembled a group of ordinary people, much like yourself, who were asked their opinions on a series of topics. After sifting through their comments, several gems emerged. These dysfunctional folks, people much like yourself, have shared what makes them tick, dating-wise, and we can now all point and laugh. Below are a series of topics and the thoughts our group had on each.


"If my wife were cheating on me, I’d know. We’re pretty open with one another. Once a month, she goes on a vacation with her coke dealer ex-boyfriend to Key West of Puerto Vallarta. And when she gets back, she wants to stay up all night telling me what happened. So if she was cheating, I’d know, right?" —Bill, 39, Insurance Salesman
"I’ve never been unfaithful, and I would never tolerate it. But I do think flirting is good, especially at work. If every guy I work with makes love to his right hand thinking of me, I believe that does something for office morale, you know?" —Michelle, 23, Receptionist
"If I found out I had been cheated on, I could handle it. I’d buy everything I could think of on his charge cards, screw his friends, family and everyone at the warehouse where he works. But I wouldn’t do anything drastic." —Victoria, 25, Customer Service Rep


"I think it’s important to correct one’s karma. I always seem to find men who abuse me or are alcoholics or addicts. It must be the result of something I’ve done; so when a relationship breaks up, I clean up my karma by finding a man who’s really messed up and try to fix him." —Star, Naturopath
"I think women should stick together. To do my part, I go through a quick succession of guys and totally emasculate them. These guys will think twice before they use their gonads again, if ever. It takes my mind off my problems, and I feel like I’ve done a service for other women." —Rhonda, 29, Word Processor
"There’s no point in crying over spilled milk, that’s the way I look at it. If it wasn’t meant to be, then it wasn’t meant to be. Men have always been throwing themselves at me, so I just grab the next one who looks promising and see how that goes. I’m gorgeous, and I know I’ll never have to be alone, so it’s no big deal." —Jennifer, 27, Real Estate Sales

They say that hope springs eternal. To prove that, join us next time, as we finish up this visit to our out-of-focus group. And if you find yourself taking notes, seek professional help.

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