"Older women are beautiful
lovers," runs the lyric to a whiny 80s C&W song, and
for the longest time I didn't want to believe it. Most males
just aren't tantalized by floppy wineskin jugs, stretched-out
chicken-rubber twats, parched-creekbed crow's feet, and
thinning grey hair.
But lately, in the spirit of
investigative journalism, I've been doing some hands-on
research of the topic, and dag-nabbit if the song isn't
true! It's TWUE, it's TWUE! Old babes got it goin' on!
Most males are unaware that
when it comes to the erotic arts, psychology is at least
as important as physiology. Older women achieve their beautiful-lover
status through the wonderful synergy of emotional hardness
and sexual savvy. They've been through the drudgery of marriage
and child-rearing; thus they suffer no delusions about pipe-dreams
such as "love" and "everlasting commitment." The "pipes"
they dream about are of a much more literal nature. Holy
Menopause, do they love to fuck.
got it goin' on!"
With younger lasses, what you
gain in perky boobs and taut skin tone is easily outweighed
by minuses such as obsessiveness, babyish tantrums, high-pitched
voices, that ANNOYING habit of snapping their bubble gum,
and woeful inexperience in relationships...and in the sack.
Not only do young chix want
babies and commitment and terrifying scenarios such as the
Vaginal Exclusivity Clause known as marriage, they can't
smoke pole like the older ladies can. Can't puff a peter
with nearly the same finesse. Can't gobble a bone with the
desperate abandon of a shark in a feeding frenzy.
Although her body may be falling
apart, at least the seasoned Woman of Age knows what to
do with it. She knows what makes her feel good, and she
knows what makes men feel good. Dicks have passed these
hard-working Methuselitas like trains through Grand Central
Station. And I'm not bothered by this. I'm not a jealous
man. I'm confident of my skills in les arts d'amour.
I'm actually turned-on by the idea that their vaginas have
acted as airplane hangars for hundreds...or thousands...of
penises before mine parked there. I'm not intimidated by
the fact that enough cocks have been jammed in their mouths
to stuff the Alaskan Pipeline. These are all good things.
Because the brutal fact, the
one that younger women would like to keep secret, is that
experience breeds skill. One of my Mature Partners manipulated
my penis with her FEET while I was orally pleasuring her
Venusian Mounds. And I don't mean she just diddled the thing
or tapped at it with her toes--she had my rod in a real
fuckin' MONKEY grip with her feet and was feverishly pumping
the thing! Amazing! No younger chick on earth would even
THINK of attempting such a stunt. Such feats of derring-do
only come with hard, long, agonizing experience. A decades-long
process of sexual trial-and-error stuff's an old bag's Bag
of Tricks with innumerable such erotic gems.
Looking for a mature lady friend?
I usually meet mine in smoky karaoke bars. Their husky voices,
their whisky breath, their yellowy teeth (dentures?), their
hard-luck stories, their pathos-laden attempts at shoveling
makeup on their faces and whipping their hair into just-seen-a-ghost
enameled perfection...these are all turn-ons for me. Buy
'em a couple drinks, hold them close on the dance floor
during "Love Lift Us Up Where We Belong," and in a few hours
you're in the bedroom of their spacious homes where they
live alone with their cats and a truckload of bad memories,
stroking their liver spots with your fingers and sharing
And then, after you've plastered
their sagging frames with cum a few times, comes the best
part: They tell you to go home. They have business to conduct
and doctor's appointments to attend, and they have no time
for cuddlin' and cooin'. It's what I've always sought in
life: a woman who will kick me out of bed when it's