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xmag.com : May 2001 : Darklady

"Your view of the universe is quite correct. It is magic. If we wish hard enough it really comes to pass. The only difficulty is to find the pure wish."

--Colin, a Darklady reader.


Ten years ago May 5th, my life was draining away inside of a shattered automobile wrapped around a tree overhanging a coastal river. The pain was simultaneously absolute and nonexistent. Before the surgeons patched me back together again I'd "died" three times. I was told I'd never walk again, I'd lose a leg, I'd have to go to a special clinic, I'd walk with a bad limp after a long rehabilitation. Then they admitted that they had no idea what I'd be able to do because I was already doing what I wasn't expected to be able to ever do again.

An ever-growing writing career, two sadly concluded marriages, the death of my father, my brother, and a dear friend later, I'm still doing what I was never expected to be able to ever do. I also feel afire with life and the intensity of living and loving. In fact, the word "intense" has been cited on numerous occasions as both a reason for loving and for leaving me. Perhaps something inside of that crushed VW Bug, something during those brief instants in that first emergency room during which I ceased to exist, made me acutely aware of how precious is this brief cherry blossom spring that is our time here. And how poignant and luscious it is.

And yet I do not know what my pure wish is. Perhaps it is that I may truly live the days of my life--in the company of like-minded and like-hearted individuals, if possible.

Yes, I yearn for completion. I strive for greater understanding. For more patience, more compassion, more kind ways to say the difficult things and more courage to do the things that I fear. I want to love in a way that welcomes and nurtures growth and allows for change. I want to increase my capacity to forgive and to trust, to know when to speak up and when to remain silent, to further explore the boundaries of inner strength and of surrender.

"And yet I do not know what my pure wish is.
Perhaps it is that I may truly live the days of
my life--in the company of like-minded and
like-hearted individuals, if possible."

Since the day I "died" and lived to tell the tale, I've lived many an adventure to tell about. I've howled with grief and laughed with joy, ventured with increasing confidence into sensual and emotional frontiers I'd barely dared dream existed, let alone hoped to homestead. I've learned how bitter the fruit of honesty can be and how vital and nourishing I find its juice.

My life has been peopled by some of the most amazing individuals imaginable and I continue to be honored to count people whom I admire, respect and adore among my friends and lovers. The sky isn't always blue and the way isn't always clear to us, but the sincerity of our intentions and the purity of our goals is rarely in question.

Ten years ago May 5th, my life was draining away. Today I feel the potency of my anima filling me up. The present and the future are sometimes fearful, sometimes agonizing, sometimes exquisite, and nearly always wondrous to experience and to contemplate. The fact that I began doing the impossible a decade ago gives me hope that it is a trend that will continue. Every morning is truly an unexpected delight to me and whether the day presents me with fair or foul, I endeavor to find the lessons that are there if only I open my heart wide enough to feel them. I'm glad to still be here. Thanks for joining me.


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