Been runnin' around Giulianiville for almost a month now, and let me tell you, it is sexy as hell. Tons of beautiful strangers trapped together on sidewalks and subways every day. Often times you make eye contact with one of 'em from across the train, get into a supercharged staredown, then watch him get off at Bowling Green or Delancey Street, never to be seen again. Which is why everyone's so much more bold here. If some chick tells you to fuck off, ain't no thang, cuz you'll never ever see her again. I've been approached several times now after a subway ride, and it's been good for at least one free dinner every time. Which, considering my current destitute circumstances, completely rocks. Plus the boys here are so totally fine...

There are 1001 sexy things to do every day, like walking past a basketball court, or people-watching from a bar as the girls mince by in their crazy stiletto boots, or listening to four, striking six-feet tall women coo over some boy's fluffy little Shih-Tzu in a sweater.

There are unsexy things to do to, like go to Times Square, that hideous altar where our nation's soul is sacrificed daily, or to a Manhattan titty bar. Well, it's not THAT bad, but I have been sticking my head into the strip clubs, for employment and enjoyment, and what the mayor hath wrought ain't pretty (for starters, world-famous Billy's Topless in Chelsea will soon be a DELI).

For those of you who don't know me, let me forewarn you that I have peculiar taste in titty bars. I like a joint to be sexy and human, and not like a tit-factory. I prefer that there be alcohol and ashtrays available, as opposed to $10 soda pops. I like the girls to laugh and be themselves and not Russian ice queens who storm about soliciting efficient lap dances in Stalinesque sign language...That said, here are some places in the city-of-dreams where you can still see an all(most)-nude girl AND have a cocktail. (Giuliani forbids you from seeing pussy or even a single stray pubic hair while you have a drink. All the following are topless+g-string UNLESS noted.) In awesome-to-yukky order...

The Blue Angel * 24 Bond St. * 646-638-0120

If you're a fan of that movie or the film Cabaret, you'll love the Blue Angel. It's THE ONLY place you can see some pink and sip some wine or whatever (provided you bring your own). The Blue Angel is cabaret performed in a legitimate theater near SoHo. Twelve-plus girls show you their heart and soul and more for only $25 cover (tips appreciated). FABulous German hostess Uta sets the tone with her voluptuous body, red hair and bizarre commentary in thickly accented Deutsch. She'll introduce you to Natasha, the ONLY female sword-swallower in the world; Ammo, the naughty nun; Velocity, who does a riot-grrrl Marilyn redux to her own band's music; Bonnie, the drunken Ann-Margret chanteuse; Ula, an amazingly sexy trapeze artist and contortionist; and super-hotties Dillon and Asa, who do more conventional strip-tease routines with anything-but-conventional beauty. The cast of performers changes frequently, but one of my favorites has been around forever. Nadia is a magician from Russia who is not afraid to play with fire. Last weekend she accidentally set the stage aflame! At a certain point in her show, her cape vanishes to reveal a very curvy body in a sequined corset. She has a very Russian blonde bob, long false eyelashes and very shapely legs. She is 72...Seriously. And, oh yeah, I'm there, too.

 

	"FABulous German hostess Uta sets the tone with her voluptuous body, red hair and bizarre commentary in thickly accented Deutsch."

The Fabulous Viva Las Vegas! (Friday and Saturday nights only.) It's a long way from
the Magic.

Baby Doll * 34 White St. @ Church * 212-226-4870

This joint is nuthin' like the Louis Malle movie. Many people describe it as
"ghetto." When I went to check it out, the nice Sicilian management told me I'd do well there, as they hadn't had a Caucasian girl in years. What actually sold me was that there's only one stage and one girl at a time; you can spin your own music and there's plenty of tequila, etc., all of which greatly facilitate preachin' the gospel, if that's what ya gotta do. I worked on a Tuesday night with Beautiful, Li'l Bit, Chi Chi and a dancer named Wednesday. The place was dead, but the girls and management were so friendly, that more than made up for it. Everyone shrunk in horror when I played an entire New York Dolls set, and then later, a Velvet Underground set; but the Wall Street White Guys sure seemed to appreciate it. In short, this place is a dive. I love it.

Pussycat Lounge * 96 Greeley @ Rector * 212-285-6100

Deep in the heart of Wall Street. Ya didn't know it had a heart? It does: the Pussycat. This place is set up like a diner, but drinks and sushi are served instead of frappes and sodas. It's smoky and divey as hell, and I, of course, appreciate that. The girls are quirky and sexy and parade around topless on a catwalk that is just behind the bartender. They seem happy to stop and chat with the businessmen--probably giving the dancers stock tips.

New York Dolls * 59 Murray St. * 212-227-6912

Another Wall Street joint for those three-martini and two-lap-dance lunches. Lotsa girls, lotsa smoke, lotsa crap music. They say you do a song onstage, then three off, but how do ya tell when the song is over?? When the homegirl next to you starts unceremoniously retying her barely-bra thingy, that's when. It's too well-lit and cramped for the lap dances to be very erotic. HOWEVER: The stock indexes scroll by on a giant LED screen behind the squirming babes. Excellent. The band (of the same name) is better.

Flashdancers * 53rd & Broadway * 212-315-5107

Scores (tie) * 333 E. 60th St. * 212-421-3600

The land of the lap dances. I HATE these places. These are the aforementioned tit factories. Totally heartless, totally soulless. High cover charges, "pretty" and "enhanced" girls, crap music. If you're getting a lap dance, chances are you're rubbing thighs with the dude next to you who's also enjoying staring at the backside of that bleached-blonde Russian. It's cramped in Lapland! I did get turned on by this Russian girl who was storming around soliciting the above...I stopped her for two seconds to ask her where she got her hot coiffure, and her icy façade melted into giggles as she stuttered that she didn't know how to say it, but he was in Brooklyn. Aw, honey!

The bottom line, Pornland, is that you are LUCKY. You've got the best titty bars in the world...and they're right off the bus mall! You can drink, smoke, see some gal's pussy AND get a whiff of her personality for NO cover and a reasonably priced drink! God, I miss it. But there's a fight to be fought here, ya know? If I could have five or ten of Portland's best and brightest, I'd revolutionize this town. Especially with Giuliani on the outs. There's your invitation, girls. Come out, come out. We'll take over the Baby Doll, and then the world!!

xoxo, viva

(Checks and money orders can be sent to Viva c/o Exotic Magazine, marked "URGENT.")