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xmag.com : December 2001: Jack Shack

The brother gets a new crib. He invites these fine sistas over to party. What do they do? Piss all over the damn place. He don't mind, they fuck and suck him and his bro's til'll [sic] they dry!

--Video box to Sista's Gotta Piss


Filmco 2001 / Director: MC Piss Hammer
Stars: The Twins (Chocolate & Mocha), Lola Lane, Skyy, Tony Eveready, Devlin Weed, Byron


Filmco 2001 / Director: MC Piss Hammer
Stars: Black Cat, Sierra, Diamond, Destiny, Dominico, Julian St. Jox, Tony Eveready



I piss so frequently, it's a wonder I find the time to do anything else. There's a recent aimed-at-geriatrics TV commercial that claims you may have a problem if you urinate more than eight times within 24 hours. Fuck, there are times I urinate more than eight times an hour. What's wrong with me? Is it diabetes? Frickin' prostate cancer? Too much coffee? I really should see a doctor about this, but I'm scared.

Let's say I'm having sex, and let's just say the girl's on top and doesn't realize her thigh is pounding down on my bladder, and why don't we just say that I have to excuse myself, run to the bathroom with my hard cock boinging around, and beat that erection into submission so I can drain my bloated, itchy bladder? Are you with me?

Sex and urination have become hopelessly intertwined for me, so it was with great interest that I approached Filmco's Sista's Gotta Piss series. American race relations are also a personal obsession, if only for the comic potential. So you have me, a hyper-urinating race-obsessed porno reviewer, paired with a video series depicting fudge-colored LA hood-rat nubiles pissin' all over the damn place. Hey--you got sista's on my piss! No--you got piss on my sista's! It's two great tastes that taste great together!

The first Sista's Gotta Piss boasts a beautiful pair of twin slim Negresses with wild green eyes named Chocolate and Mocha. In the opening segment, one of them (they aren't identified in the film) is shown pissing on the poolside cement of some lavish, my-man-sells-lotsa-crack, SoCal mansion. She says her little piss puddle is her "autograph." She then leads her amiable male companion into a bedroom where, under very bright, very clinical lighting, they proceed to have sex while wacky, bongo-driven canary music chirps in the background.

Her partner is a heavy-lidded dreadlocked homeboy with a massive Scud-missile dong. His cock is so big, it scares you when you first see it. A mighty hammerhead shark. A giganto-choco-cock. A real rhinoceros. Much bigger than, say, the average human bowel movement. Naturally, he can't fit it all in her. He doesn't even get the lower part of the shaft wet. Lucky bastard.

Crouching on the bed, she gives him a loooooooong blow job while he stands at bedside, as motionless as a bank teller. Later, as things heat up, a whitish paste forms on his armpits. Is that what blacks refer to as "duck butter?" Or is it more properly "pit butter?" And the couple is flailing about athletically during intercourse, weird gummy white morsels start forming on his cock and her ass cheeks. Is that possibly "duck butter?" Or maybe it's a combination of "nut butter" and "twat butter." Whatever it's called, I say "hats off!" to the blacks for their bodies' natural-born self-lathering capabilities.

The green-eyed twin suddenly interrupts their coupling to run outside and piss. They finally resume fucking, his pachydermal nutsack tightens, and he dumps a huge load of tapioca pudding on her brown cheeks.

It is around this time when I realize I have to pee.

The next segment begins with a chubby black girl at the same poolside, looking off-camera and squirting a bold, high-arced yellow stream from her snatch. It's unsettling how the piss comes out in a solid projectile as with males. It looks like it's coming out of a dick, only there's no dick there. I sort of thought that with chicks,

piss sort of sprayed outwardly, or maybe it just dribbled down their legs or something.

A shaven-skulled
hi-yella brudda with convict-style tattoos approaches the errant urinatress and reprimands her about piddling on his property. He then whips out his dingy and begins pissing, too, just to show her how wrong it is. This excites her. She explains that she pissed outside because it was such a beautiful day, which seems fair enough to me. She even offers to clean it up. They repair into the house. The wide-eyed strawberry then gives him a blow job while sensuous guitars strum on the soundtrack. She then blurts out a piss stream Exorcist-style on his hardwood floor while blowing him. "Why'd you do that shit?!?" he asks, and she just keeps sucking his knob without answering. "Sista's jus' gots ta piss, dat's why," is what her silence seems to convey.

I pause the tape and run into the bathroom to drain my main vein. Roughly a quart of foamy yellow pee-pee gushes from my Love Faucet.

More scenes, more urinating Negresses, more black blow jobs and black intercourse. Another chubby black girl with vulva-enshrouding lingerie pisses in the kitchen sink. She sports hanging tits with nipples the size of chocolate donuts. There's a possible cesarean scar. Like prior segments, this one's extraordinarily sparse on dialogue. Black dude walks up. Braids and sagging jeans, big belly. He strips down to sneakers and socks. She blows him. Together they engage in negroidal coitus, her baloonish boobs bobbling in syncopation with their thrusting. He shoots a very tiny load on her face.

The first Sista's was apparently such a raging success, its sequel was released less than two months later. The pattern is the same as with the first film: A black woman pisses, is scolded, then becomes suddenly aroused and engages in 45 minutes of sucky-fucky. The sequel features a scene of a black man eating a black woman's pussy, a phenomenon so apparently rare that some had relegated it to the realm of urban legend. But mostly it's lots of blow jobs and very little cunnilingus, which is the way I suspect it is with most couples.

I must take this opportunity to
complain about the general level of poor spelling within the black porn industry. I mean, sometimes I realize it's for effect...to be "cool," to be "ghetto," to be "hippity-hop" or whatever...but other times I have to conclude that some of these dumb bastards simply can't spell, especially when they spell the SAME THING different ways. For example, while the film is called Sista's Gotta Piss on the box, it's Sista's Gotta Piz on the actual film's credits. Likewise, it's Sista's Gotta Piss 2 on the box and Sista's Gotta Pee Too! on the credits. And performers identified as Devlin and Chocolate on the screen credits are called Delvin and Chocalate on the box. And what's up with the apostrophe in "Sista's"? Do they know it's wrong? Do they care? It's a disgrace, and such lackadaisical attitudes only tend to drag their people down, especially after everything they've been through. The black porn industry would be wise to use a spell-check.

I should note that I was unable to make it through either film without having to pause the videotape and go piss.

Sista's gotta piss...and so's do I!




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