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xmag.com : May 2002: The Jack Shack

The pussy glistens like slices of fresh-killed salmon in a trio of videos from Adam & Eve Productions. On the Loose finds Monique DeMoan returning to her hometown, where she is drenched in cum-oozing delights by friends, strangers, and the local lez. The ads for the vid say this proves you CAN go home again. Maybe Thomas Wolfe's George Weber would not have turned his back on that ruined Southern town in the hills of Zebulon County if Monique had gone back: Why, I do declayah, I's so proud a ya, George. A real writa! And such command of the lang-widge. I mean I'm jus' thrilled to daith to come back here and see y'all. 'Member me? Monique? Le' me wrap my loan-lee lips round yo won-da-ful Southern manhood.

Naked Hollywood #4 is a dumb comedy
featuring oral workers Keri Windsor, Lauren Montgomery, and Nina Hartley. Gotta give Nina
credit for endurance. The battled veteran of the porn industry still looks
pretty good.

The amateurs in Amateur Angels look like they've been around. We get those stirring three-minute interviews at the top of each segment from a half-dozen girls who have that blank-gazed expression of people who never learned how to read. But they're all hot lookers, so who cares? Gazing at the box cover, I was looking forward to the action from the hottest of the pack, Jasmine "I've-never-done-this-before" Klein. She blew it. She didn't do anything. Another girl eats her out and does her with the usual pink dildo. So in the next vid she can truthfully say, "I've never done this before." Maybe next time out, she will.

"Anybody out there got any concrete evidence that Abe [Lincoln] enjoyed the taste of his own Hershey Highway?"

 

Have you ever wondered how they put onthesetwithjeweldenyletogether a porn shoot? On the Set with Jewel De'Nyle from Legend shows the ludicrous stupidity behind the scenes in all its glorious boredom. All that expensive video equipment manned by directors and cameramen and film editors with the collective talent of a high-school junior turning the camcorder on his friends at the prom puking beer on the gym floor. I don't mean to come down on Legend. They do as good a job as anybody in Porn Valley. But overall, the adult film-industry herd needs thinning.

And yet, it's worth the price of this vid just to watch Jewel doing several takes from a "script," repeating this line: "I was the talk of the town, but nobody was talking about my talent." And on a director: "I knew he was real.
He saw me as an artist."

ontheloosePoor Jewel. It's not her fault she's subjected to banal shit.

This month I'm passing over the vids bombarding me with anal sex. Of course, if I excluded vids with ANY anal sex, I'd have nothing to review. Over the past decade, heterosexual anal sex is the one theme dominating porn. (Yes, gays also peek at porn and have at least fifty-seven varieties of sexual inclination, but I can't speak with any authority on boy-bonking.)

Why is buttfucking so popular in Porn Valley?

Het'ro anal action is following the pattern of the blow job, which burst out of the Cage of Unnatural Acts some time between smashing the Nips and the Nazis in WWII and the release in 1972 of the adult film tutorial, Deep Throat.

Now that high-school students consider oral sex on a par with getting to first base, it's no big deal. Well, yes, a big deal if you're not getting any blow jobs, but that's your problem, Mr. Social Retard.

While remaining pretty much a No-No for women, butt-fucking is a Yes-Yes-Yes for most guys. This tension between the sexes is resolved through porn. The man enjoys an extravaganza of doings and quiverings of lively anuses while he engages in onanism; the woman in his life sits out on the gazebo drinking Bombay tea and reading a Jane Austen novel.

This is the best we can do at the present time. It's akin to the Missouri Compromise. In that deal, Missouri gained admission to the Union as a slave state in 1820, while slavery was prohibited everywhere north of a line running across the bottom of Kentucky and Virginia. Congress repealed the act in 1854, which led to nothing but turmoil. Seven years later, the North started buttfucking the South.

Abe Lincoln was right when he said the country could not live half-free and half-buttfucked. Speaking of Honest Abe, I was watching this historian on C-SPAN in the wee hours while a porn vid was on my other screen. So maybe while my eyeballs flashed back and forth I got it wrong, but I swear this historian, in a sly, offhanded way, said that Lincoln ate his own shit. I've checked the library and those useless fucking search engines on the web, and I've never been able to verify this. Anybody out there got any concrete
evidence that Abe enjoyed the taste of his own Hershey Highway?

Even if the Missouri Compromise
was flawed, it lasted for thirty-four
years. I'm certain that within the next thirty-four years, we will have moved beyond the heterosexual anal-sex dispute. Girls will like it just as much as boys. We'll be faced with another sex problem, probably the propriety of ears-and-nose sex. No doubt porn will be ahead of the curve in depicting this catastrophe amid the last remaining orifices.

Moving up on het anal sex, but still a distant second, is teen-vid sex, which also includes the barely legal girls getting the first dick up their ass. All those Just Turned 18 magazines got this trend going. Most of the girls look to be about 25, but some probably barely made it through high school last year.

Try a Teen #10 from Visual Images has a bunch of cuties in white
cotton panties downing dicks with enthusiasm, including one girl who gives
a blow job while wearing her graduation cap. The best title award goes to a vid I haven't seen: Fast Times at Deep Crack High.

toetalesFinally, for all you toe-jam enthusiasts, Gotham Gold seems to have a monopoly on these vids. Toe Tales is currently up to Volume 90, which features Dannica's and Sara Jane's pedicured toeseys getting gobbled and licked by the boys who like jam and who then pop their loads on the girls' feet.

Can't wait to see Fast Anal Gang Bangers and Slow Toe Ponies at Deep Crack High.

 

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