pussy glistens like slices of fresh-killed salmon in
a trio of videos from Adam & Eve Productions. On
the Loose finds Monique DeMoan returning to her
hometown, where she is drenched in cum-oozing delights
by friends, strangers, and the local lez. The ads for
the vid say this proves you CAN go home again. Maybe
Thomas Wolfe's George Weber would not have turned his
back on that ruined Southern town in the hills of Zebulon
County if Monique had gone back: Why, I do declayah,
I's so proud a ya, George. A real writa! And such command
of the lang-widge. I mean I'm jus' thrilled to daith
to come back here and see y'all. 'Member me? Monique?
Le' me wrap my loan-lee lips round yo won-da-ful Southern
#4 is a dumb comedy
featuring oral workers Keri Windsor, Lauren Montgomery,
and Nina Hartley. Gotta give Nina
credit for endurance. The battled veteran of the porn
industry still looks
The amateurs in Amateur
Angels look like they've been around. We get
those stirring three-minute interviews at the top of
each segment from a half-dozen girls who have that blank-gazed
expression of people who never learned how to read.
But they're all hot lookers, so who cares? Gazing at
the box cover, I was looking forward to the action from
the hottest of the pack, Jasmine "I've-never-done-this-before"
Klein. She blew it. She didn't do anything. Another
girl eats her out and does her with the usual pink dildo.
So in the next vid she can truthfully say, "I've never
done this before." Maybe next time out, she will.
there got any concrete evidence that
Abe [Lincoln] enjoyed the taste of his own Hershey
Have you ever wondered
how they put together
a porn shoot? On the Set with Jewel De'Nyle
from Legend shows the ludicrous stupidity behind the
scenes in all its glorious boredom. All that expensive
video equipment manned by directors and cameramen and
film editors with the collective talent of a high-school
junior turning the camcorder on his friends at the prom
puking beer on the gym floor. I don't mean to come down
on Legend. They do as good a job as anybody in Porn
Valley. But overall, the adult film-industry herd needs
And yet, it's worth the
price of this vid just to watch Jewel doing several
takes from a "script," repeating this line: "I was the
talk of the town, but nobody was talking about my talent."
And on a director: "I knew he was real.
He saw me as an artist."
Jewel. It's not her fault she's subjected to banal shit.
This month I'm passing
over the vids bombarding me with anal sex. Of course,
if I excluded vids with ANY anal sex, I'd have nothing
to review. Over the past decade, heterosexual anal sex
is the one theme dominating porn. (Yes, gays also peek
at porn and have at least fifty-seven varieties of sexual
inclination, but I can't speak with any authority on
Why is buttfucking so
popular in Porn Valley?
Het'ro anal action is
following the pattern of the blow job, which burst out
of the Cage of Unnatural Acts some time between smashing
the Nips and the Nazis in WWII and the release in 1972
of the adult film tutorial, Deep Throat.
Now that high-school
students consider oral sex on a par with getting to
first base, it's no big deal. Well, yes, a big deal
if you're not getting any blow jobs, but that's your
problem, Mr. Social Retard.
While remaining pretty
much a No-No for women, butt-fucking is a Yes-Yes-Yes
for most guys. This tension between the sexes is resolved
through porn. The man enjoys an extravaganza of doings
and quiverings of lively anuses while he engages in
onanism; the woman in his life sits out on the gazebo
drinking Bombay tea and reading a Jane Austen novel.
This is the best we can
do at the present time. It's akin to the Missouri Compromise.
In that deal, Missouri gained admission to the Union
as a slave state in 1820, while slavery was prohibited
everywhere north of a line running across the bottom
of Kentucky and Virginia. Congress repealed the act
in 1854, which led to nothing but turmoil. Seven years
later, the North started buttfucking the South.
Abe Lincoln was right
when he said the country could not live half-free and
half-buttfucked. Speaking of Honest Abe, I was watching
this historian on C-SPAN in the wee hours while a porn
vid was on my other screen. So maybe while my eyeballs
flashed back and forth I got it wrong, but I swear this
historian, in a sly, offhanded way, said that Lincoln
ate his own shit. I've checked the library and those
useless fucking search engines on the web, and I've
never been able to verify this. Anybody out there got
evidence that Abe enjoyed the taste of his own Hershey
Even if the Missouri
was flawed, it lasted for thirty-four
years. I'm certain that within the next thirty-four
years, we will have moved beyond the heterosexual anal-sex
dispute. Girls will like it just as much as boys. We'll
be faced with another sex problem, probably the propriety
of ears-and-nose sex. No doubt porn will be ahead of
the curve in depicting this catastrophe amid the last
Moving up on het anal
sex, but still a distant second, is teen-vid sex, which
also includes the barely legal girls getting the first
dick up their ass. All those Just Turned 18 magazines
got this trend going. Most of the girls look to be about
25, but some probably barely made it through high school
Try a Teen #10
from Visual Images has a bunch of cuties in white
cotton panties downing dicks with enthusiasm, including
one girl who gives
a blow job while wearing her graduation cap. The best
title award goes to a vid I haven't seen: Fast
Times at Deep Crack High.
for all you toe-jam enthusiasts, Gotham Gold seems to
have a monopoly on these vids. Toe Tales
is currently up to Volume 90, which features Dannica's
and Sara Jane's pedicured toeseys getting gobbled and
licked by the boys who like jam and who then pop their
loads on the girls' feet.
Can't wait to see Fast
Anal Gang Bangers and Slow Toe Ponies at Deep Crack