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The Monthly Column: Spanish Fly In Your Eye

by Wombstretcha the Magnificent

Ah, the mysterious "Spanish Fly"—many of us probably recall this product being mentioned in whispered tones in locker rooms and playgrounds when we were younger. The thing was, nobody could ever seem to define exactly what the hell it actually did—much to our frustration. We yearned for carnal knowledge! Movies and TV made veiled references to it in things certainly not intended for the kids, but these weren’t much help to the curious young mind.

Those of us who ever spied a contraband pornographic magazine—usually stolen from a parent or older sibling—always noticed there would be advertisements for Spanish Fly in the back. Usually grainy, black-and-white affairs making statements like "the real deal" or "spice up your sex life TODAY," without revealing what it was (and, no kid in their right mind was going to spend their allowance money on a mystery sex item you have to send away for, while risking your mom checking the mail and finding it...hell no!!!).

Of course, we learned more about Spanish Fly—eventually—usually, via the equally-confused wisdom of someone slightly older. I remember hearing about a half-dozen decent rumors about its nature as time passed:

1. "It makes you irresistible to women! Just spray it on."

It’s a cologne? Okay...

2. "You put it in a lady’s drink and it makes her super horny."

At least that’s slightly more classy than a roofie.

3. "It’s a pill you take, that gives you an all-night boner!"

All damn night? Well, okay.

4. "It’s, like, these drops you put on your dick to make it bigger."

Like, just anywhere? I hope they don’t need to go in the pee hole.

5. "It’s this incense you burn, that drives women wild."

I think I only heard this once and didn’t believe it—even as a youth.

6. "It’s a scam. Some Mexicans just mail you an empty box, and you can’t get your money back, because nobody admits to buying Spanish Fly."

This was probably the most accurate, at least, as it concerns what you get from the mail-order ads in an old porno mag.

I’m sure I heard an abundance more, but most were variations on one of those themes and this was long, long ago.

It’s got an enduring legacy, that’s for sure. Nowadays, we see all sorts of "male health" products and supplements, which are supposed to increase your prowess in various ways. Hell, you can go to the vitamin section of many supermarkets and find an expensive product that likely has a ripped, shirtless man embracing a woman, possibly standing next a sports car, or with flames in the background and it’ll just be sitting there—next to the Flintstones chewables. Ten million strong and boning?

Now, to be fair, I’ve never seen anything actually labeled "Spanish Fly" on grocery store shelves (maybe porn shop shelves), but the stuff is still alive and kicking. Open up your favorite search engine and type it in. Holy mother of shit...there are still a lot of people hocking Spanish Fly and there must be people who still buy it like mad. I’ll note, in my diligent research for this, I checked a few that were deemed okay by SafeWeb© and they STILL have really vague descriptions.

Verbatim example:

"Is your wife suffering from low libido? She is not the only one. Don’t worry, because there is a solution...there’s a new product in town and it’s the secret aphrodisiac weapon millions of men have used. It’s called Spanish Fly LOVE and will give your wife her sex drive back in as little as five minutes!"

This goes on for awhile, but it doesn’t really explain much, except that a team of crack researchers has apparently been working on this for some time. Good work if you can get it? Also, I like their claim that millions of men have used it, but it’s a new product in town.

Now, on to the actual science, which is broken down into a convenient factoid list, because that’s best for toilet reading. Do I know my audience or what?

A) Spanish Fly is indeed a real drug.

B) It actually comes from the squeezins of a small, green beetle.

C) Only the males secrete this bug juice.

D) It has nothing to do with arousing the ladies; Spanish Fly is for the fellas.

E) Application is a couple tiny drops on the ol’ wang.

F) It is very likely to cause incredibly painful, sustained erections (priapism).

G) It is also a toxin of incredible potency, and will kill you if not given precisely right, which is why you can’t buy the real deal anywhere.

So, now you know what’s up with the inscrutable Spanish Fly.

Personally, my favorite of the various Spanish Flies that exist out there, is the kind that you sometimes see in condom machines at bars. You pay your 50 cents and get a little box with a picture of a half-dressed woman. Then, upon opening this condom-sized box, it folds out to reveal a picture of a fly in a sombrero, with a speech bubble reading "OH-LAY!" Sadly, I cannot find a picture of this in a high enough resolution to print, so you’ll have to look for this item yourselves next time you’re in the can at a dive, or possibly at a truck stop. Sheesh...and this thing calls itself an Internet...