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Jonas Does Portland: Getting L.I.T. In The Neighborhood

by Jonas Barnes

During December, national diarrhea chain— I’m sorry, I mean "restaurant" chain—Applebee’s dropped a bomb of a promotion: $1 Long Island Iced Teas, all month long. Now, I’m in recovery and I’m a life-ruining bag of shit when I drink, but at first glance, this is even tempting to me. I see this deal and all those little tingles start happening and I start thinking I’m ready to nose dive off that wagon, drop a ten at the local Applebee’s and fuck someone’s dad by the end of the night. I ain’t even gay, but that’s how bad I’d get, if I took the left turn off the old recovery track.

My point, my alcoholic readers, is that it’s one hell of a good promotion on the surface. Let me repeat that last part...on the surface. This deal speaks to every alcoholic on earth and calls them to the doors of the gastrointestinal hellscape that is Applebee’s, saying "It’s time to make some bad decisions and fuck us some soccer moms, Todd," while making 100% sure to not draw attention to how fucking terrible the quality of this Long Island Iced Tea must be. I mean, holy tit fucking Guy Fieri in a bikini top, this has to be the shittiest drink imaginable! I’ve had $14 Long Island Iced Teas that tasted like Diet Coke and well vodka, filtered through some homeless diabetics asshole skin.

So, I can’t imagine what a $1 L.I.T. would taste like. But, Applebee’s don’t care—they don’t care at all. Because, this isn’t the first time they’ve pulled a stunt like this. Let’s take a walk down memory lane.

Applebee’s knows you’re a stupid, drunk asshole who hates their job. And, Applebee’s don’t give a shit about you. That’s why, in October, they did the same promotion, but with $1 margaritas. You could maybe pull that off with worthless tequila and some knocko ff margarita mix and water. Margaritas are a pretty basic drink—no longer consumed by respectable Hispanic alcoholics—usually reserved for basic-ass, yoga-mat-carrying, white, vapid brunch-goers. So, I could see this one at least being worth your trip inside the "2-For-$20 Gut Rot" headquarters, if they gave even a drop of a shit about their customers.

SPOILER ALERT: that shit was 80% water, according to an Applebee’s bartender that posted a video of the $1 Shitaritas being made. They got you, heathens—they got you good! You spent $15 on lime juice, water and Jose Cuervo’s taint sweat, just to get a buzz. And, the upset stomach you got was from their version of a "sirloin steak," which was probably something purchased from a PetCo. So, you’ve learned your lesson, right?

Hey boozers: I’m talking to you and your popped fucking collars! You learned that Applebee’s don’t care about you, right? Nope, you’ve learned nothing.

You’ve learned nothing, because this new promotion is so much worse than the October Diarritas. The traditional ingredients in a Long Island Iced Tea are: vodka, tequila, light rum, triple sec, gin and a splash of cola. Ask yourself, how can you possibly make that for $1, without it being an absolute liquid abortion? The easy answer, is that you can’t. But, that’s not gonna stop them from shoving the promo down your throat, is it? Nope, not at all, because Applebee’s went full steam ahead, with what can only be considered a shameless and dangerous promotion targeting boozers all over the country (in states that actually allow this alcoholocaust to exist), for the entire month.

Portland is a den of sin and I love every goddamn inch of its sinful soul. I’ve blacked out many nights, in many strip clubs, after many drinks. I had a local cocaine dealer that waved at me as I left the bar, like we were old pals from high school. I’ve had some of my best and worst alcoholic times in your pleasure troves. I love you and you get no judgment from me. You know what I never fell for, even though I was the poster child for the guy that would fall for it? The cheap-ass lap dance deals that suckered in unsuspecting tourist trash (fuck ‘em, they deserved it). These never happened at classy establishments, so no worries. If you’re reading this magazine, you’re not barking down the $5 lap dance hole. But, yeah, I may have appeared to be an alcoholic, obese un-fuckable at the time (I’m much better now, thank you very much), but even I didn’t fall for that. I was an alcoholic, life-destroying sauce monster...not an idiot.

I’m writing this as a PSA to my sin-loving, drunk angels of debauchery in the city of bridges that I miss oh so much: please don’t fall for these traps—don’t do it! Take those dollars, roll over to Kit Kat and give them to the wonderful sin dolls on stage, putting the work in. Get your ass a REAL Long Island Iced Tea and toss a couple $2 bills at the inked-up devil beauties at Casa Diablo. Don’t spend it at fucking Applebee’s, you idiots. They don’t care about you and they’re dishonest. If they were honest, they’d change their slogan to what it really is: "Applebee’s: We’re Shitting Blood In The Neighborhood ™."*

*[ED: This beats "Fuck It, Let’s Go To Applebee’s ™ "]