Page 34 - Exotic | May 2025

As I was basting my untrimmed chicken thighs in mayonnaise after deciding to make deep-fried Japanese goodness, I paused that moment in time, for a mo- ment in time, and realized what I was do- ing. Didn’t mayo used to cost more than eggs? And the other part of this equa- tion...mayonnaise has eggs.
sion/recession/whatever-you-wanna- call-being-really-broke-all-of-a-sudden era.
An EGGsellent Solution – No eggs? No problem. You don’t even need to tell me why you don’t have eggs; I don’t care. I understand the assignment. Baking? Use vegetable oil, baking powder, and water. I’ll let you weasel out how much of each. It works the same...if not better, than wast- ing an egg in a loaf of bread you won’t even taste it in. Deep frying? Mayonnaise. It does the same thing as an egg; it’s made of oil and eggs, and you won’t taste it when it’s fried. You also can feel like less of a monster for making an unfertilized egg lather its mother’s thighs. I never did feel like a monster...maybe I am one...
always poor, and this was something we told ourselves...
Why was I basting my soon-to-be-crunchy chicken leg flaps in mayonnaise? Because eggs cost 8 dollars a dozen, and I had one measly egg left, and I had bigger, more eggy plans for it. I didn’t want to waste that golden egg on battering its mother’s thighs, so I went in for the mayo. I hate mayonnaise. I absolutely abhor it. The smell, the texture, the taste. I literally only use it to make my sandwich a little wet, my famous Hawaiian macaroni salad (I had no idea when I became known for this), and this scenario right here. This basting of chicken in gloopy mayo brought me back to when I was living on food stamps, and the plasma donation center chair was my second office space twice a week.
I laughed as I recalled this, holding the gloopy, mayonnaise-covered chicken thigh, and un-paused that moment. “It can be worse,” I laughed to myself out loud. Sort of.
So, starting on that really high note, I thought I would share some tricks of the trade on survival through what’s most likely to be at least your second depres-
Tommy Two-Toes – Shoes falling apart, and you don’t have money for new shoes? Don’t feel like sussing out the shoe depart- ment of Goodwill, or don’t have a friend with your same size? Don’t worry—I got you. Find some electrical tape. The black stuff. It’s shiny and actually looks like your shoes are meant to look...however they end up looking after you wrap them up in it. The key is to have a pattern. If your toes are showing, maybe just do the front part and wrap it up well with the electrical tape (yes, wrap around; don’t just put tape on the toe hole. It’ll come off almost im- mediately and really make the situation more awkward). I swear, I think I remem- ber this being popular with some genera- tion at some point...or maybe I was just
Payday Loans – No, stay the hell away from those places; they are evil, bad, no- good money devils that will eat your pay- checks and soul until you are soon owing your workplace for money you are trying to get in advance to pay back the payday loan. Do what I do...donate plasma. Or get good at dancing. If you don’t need mon- ey right away, another thing I had found pretty lucrative are these online surveys that pay in gift cards. Either use the gift card or cash it in for 70 cents to the dol- lar. Money. There you go. And you don’t owe anyone anything. Robbing liquor stores or Fred Meyers is pretty much out of the question now that there are liter- ally security guards at all entrances, wait- ing for someone to just try getting out of the store without paying for a tall boy. Not that I condone stealing anyways... but when “times is tough,” Fred Meyer will be the last store to suffer horrible losses. Just saying...
Phone Got Shut Off – Oh, that’s an easy fix. If you have Wi-Fi, just use a Wi-Fi call app. I used to use WhatsApp, but it’s through Meta now, and I’ve all but blacklisted Facebook and all Zuckface has created at this point. There are tons of options avail- able here. Just look into it. Not having money for a phone bill doesn’t have to be an end to a means. You can also try car- rier pigeons. Give pigeons a job! Please! They’re jobless on the streets, barely sur-
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