Well, it looks like those six weeks to flatten the curve were dog weeks or something. There is not much to report in terms of the eroticism of our city right now, other than the fact that you better be supporting any dancer who is gutsy enough to perform a striptease in a mask. Industry staff are balancing mask laws, early closing hours and limited spacing, all while trying to provide release and escape during a time when we need it most. So, as always, please, please, please continue to support the clubs during this election yea...excuse me, "pandemic." With that said, here is some actual journalism...
This just in—Ted Wheeler just voted for Donald Trump, Sarah Iannarone and a ban on same-sex marriage (at least for a few minutes last month). How, you ask? Thanks to some detectives at 4Chan (an anonymous, online image board), it has been discovered that our Secretary Of State’s website, responsible for assisting Oregon voters, is as about as secure as a teenage boy in a porn store.
To access your (or, in theory, anyone’s) ballot and personal address, all you need is a first name, last name and date of birth, before visiting the Oregon Secretary Of State website address, https://SOS.Oregon.Gov/Pages/Index.aspx and clicking My Vote: Track Your Ballot (or just click here). At this point, you may click "Mark My Ballot" to mark a ballot, update party registration information and see "your" voting history, physical address and mailing address. There is no password, no mother’s maiden name...not even a "verify what party you are registered for" box on this website. Name and birthday is all anyone needs to fill out a vote on your behalf. Basically, if you’re on Facebook and someone has wished you a "happy birthday," they might be giving you the gift of having your ballot filled out by someone else.
Does anyone with a basic understanding of voter fraud think that being able to access anyone’s ballot (and, potentially change it) is in any way acceptable? What happens if someone decides to just, oh, re-register you as a member of the opposing party??? Should Oregon Secretary Of State, Bev Clarno, even have a job at this point?!
Well, let’s see. According to a basic Google search, Oregon Secretary Of State, Bev (which I will assume is short for "Beverly") Clarno, was born on March 29, 1936 (this is probably a bigger concern, in terms of our Secretary Of State being as technically savvy as anyone else who experienced the 1950s as a teenager). According to an anonymous third party, who entered this information into the Secretary Of State website (because, I would never do such a thing), Bev is a member of the Republican Party, who lives in Deschutes County and received her ballot on October 14, which was sent to her P.O. Box in Redmond. Thank you, Anonymous, for providing me with the following screen shots, which show exactly how easy it is to access Bev’s ballot:
(click to enlarge)
Oh, and by the way...the punishment for engaging in voter fraud using this website, according to the website itself, is being "subject to a fine" (Oregon Revised Statutes 254.470). A fine—not a night in jail, not federal prison, but a fee that can probably be paid using the ReliaCard that one received alongside Pandemic Unemployment Assistance (a website that, unsurprisingly, requires a social security number—as well as multiple other forms of verification—to access).
Now, depending on your political affiliation, you may be seeing "voter fraud" as a partisan issue—either a "right-wing conspiracy" that Orange Man tweets about, or something that Russia supposedly engages in to screw over the Democrats. But, guess what? Partisan bickering has nothing to do with what is going on here—voter fraud, of any kind, benefits whatever party (or ballot measure) is likely to lose. Winners don’t need to cheat. Regardless of whether or not said winners are on your team, is beside the point. And, it is worthwhile to note that Kate (Katherine) Brown and Bev (Beverly) Clarno are from opposing political parties. Clearly, either one can have their ballots tampered with—so, this should concern everyone of every political party (with the exception of Libertarians, because our candidates are all trash...but, that’s another article). Basically, regardless of how you are voting, if that vote is not counted (or, if it is altered by 4Chan hackers), it will only benefit losers, i.e. whatever candidate or ballot measure required fake votes to win.
The political turmoil in Oregon (Portland, mostly) is nonstop and I understand that "both" (quotes emphasized) sides have valid, nuanced and complex issues. But, before we address "systemic, institutionalized, internalized, intersectional privilege, from a post-racial lens and using a democratic socialist framework, blah blah college class terminology, yadda yadda bumper sticker," we have to make sure that you can’t just fucking change someone’s vote with a Google search. Am I being loud enough for the people in the back? I don’t care if you’re part of Rose Town AntiBad or Proud Guys—internet polls (of which Oregon’s sloppy Secretary Of State website falls into) have been taken over by trolls for years. The winning pick for Mt. Dew’s new flavor, for instance, as chosen by the internet during a "Dub The Dew" contest, was "Hitler Did Nothing Wrong" (followed closely by "Diabeetus"). Justin Bieber asked the internet to determine where he would perform next, and this ended up being North Korea. There are dozens upon dozens of instances in which the internet voted and things turned out, well, with Pitbull performing in a WalMart located near Kodiak, Alaska.
This is not an "Oregon" problem. We’re simply the ones who will pay the cost for contracting the nice lady who brings cookies to the city council meetings to be in charge of securing a website from voter fraud.
Some hopium for the masses, though...this problem may have been fixed by the time you’re reading this. I am not going to mess with my vote (to see if the website submits said vote or simply tracks said vote), nor will I risk a fine (which should be a felony, to be honest) in order to test this vulnerability out. But, at time of press (October, 2020), no single Oregon-based news outlet has reported on this story (including Portland Mercury, Willamette Week, Oregonian, Portland Tribune or Statesman Journal). In fact, the Journal just threw up an article claiming that there is "no evidence" that absentee ballots (or other such concerns) are subject to voter fraud. Perhaps this is a "mostly peaceful" website and the "real threat" is Russia? "Nothing to see here," right? The screen shots, URLs and information shown here (which were obtained by asking a fat kid in a Pepe shirt to do some digging around online) are clearly doctored and voter fraud is "just an idea," is that it?
Do with this information what you want. Topple a statue, shatter the windows of a Korean-owned mini-mart and spray paint a police horse. Whatever floats your boat. Anyways, have fun, Oregon (i.e. Portland). It’s been a blast. Enjoy your bike lanes and needle drops, because democracy is a failed experiment and you may as well soak up whatever is left, while you still can.
Speaking of solutions to late-stage dystopia, here is a list of happy hours around town:
SAT 21—STARS CABARET (BRIDGEPORT)—JOE EXXXOTIC PARTYS
CABARET—HAPPY HOUR 11AM-5PM
COLUMBIA STRIP —HAPPY HOUR 4PM-7PM
DV8 —HAPPY HOUR 12PM-3PM
GUILTY PLEASURES—HAPPY HOUR 1:30PM-5PM
LUST LOUNGE—HAPPY HOUR 2PM-7PM
SCARLET LOUNGE—HAPPY HOUR 10AM-4PM
STARS CABARET (SALEM)—HAPPY HOUR 4PM-6PM
