Before we start…congratulations! Your performance was absolutely incredible, and we loved your theme, outfit, and overall style. It all led to an amazing vibe! What made you decide on the theme you chose? How many other themes had you considered?

My theme was chosen based on my theme from last year, which was “City of Roses,” representing myself as a rose with thorns, indicating a beautiful bloom, while still having the thorns to represent the hard times I’ve had—not only in my life, but also in the industry. This year, I carried the flower idea over, but chose a variety of wildflowers to represent my growth, without thorns holding me back. This had been the first full year of my self-development and maturity, in which I felt free of myself, much like a wildflower growing freely and wild in any environment. I’ve always considered other themes like burlesque (of course), showgirl-ish or circus-type themes, but it’s hard to choose something that hasn’t been done yet, and also complements oneself in an entertaining way. But hey, you can’t ever go wrong with flowers...

In previous columns, I've hinted at the idea that strippers who refuse to get in where they fit in will inevitably leave their shifts broke and frustrated. But I haven't broken down the two most profitable personas, which, if applied consistently, can result in an endless stream of customer tips. I'm sure there's some larger, socio/psycho-logical reason why these load-out builds work, but I'm not about to dust off the degree I shouldn't have and fill a porno mag with academic jargon and ivory tower bullshit. This advice falls into the “drunk white women in groups love Journey and Madonna” genre of wisdom, in that it's just true, and I don't really know why...

By the time this issue comes out, it’ll be day 4 of the Round of 32 for the 2026 World Cup.

Even though I’m abysmally late in submitting this, I have no idea who those thirty-two teams are. Very likely, you’re going to see Brazil, France, and Germany in there. Mexico, Argentina, and Spain are also obvious. It would be wild if America were actually in there. It’s possible with my man Poch in charge. He’s magic, you know.

But this piece is about none of those fine teams that will surely win (not America, obviously). This piece is about another team that is more than likely going to make the round of 32, and hell, possibly up to the semi-final, but almost certainly not going to take that cup home...

We've all been there. We're tired, we don't want to cook, but we want something in our stomachs. That's just life for you. We lean on frozen food to accomplish the task. A little time in the microwave, or if you have the patience, in the oven for a goddamn hour or something. People like that should really just cook something. If I am eating a frozen meal, I already know it's going to be substandard in every arena, so why wait an hour for it? Nuke it for 5 minutes, take your bland concoction to the TV, and watch a comedy show for the 5 minutes it takes you to eat it, after you drench it in various sauces to make it taste like something, ANYTHING! Then you go to sleep absolutely unsatisfied and wondering if the problem is you or the food. Tip: it's the food, you're fine, I hope. I have been trying various frozen meals for my lunch, as I usually cook a meal not made of pig anus for dinner, but, as stated, they are cheap and easy. I've had some completely terrible ones I bought on a whim. I will explain them and the nature of just how bad they can be...