Just like any other business, we have a store phone. You can imagine the amount of prank phone calls we get. Generally, there are two most common types of unwanted phone calls we encounter. The first one is the typical juvenile thinking it’s just so damn funny and original to call and ask us basic questions such as "How big is your biggest dildo?" or "Do you have porn stuff?" in between giggles. Usually, I don’t even engage in it and just hang up. And more often than not, these pranksters fail to remember the magical concept of caller ID. This enables us to block most prank numbers or the occasional harassing call we might get. We all remember the *69 days.
The second type of call that is most common among adult stores is the perverts. They’re typically men who call just to get their rocks off over the phone. The worst part about these types of calls is that sometimes you can’t even tell that someone is masturbating to you over the phone until you’ve already held a conversation with them. Some callers use the same line over and over again with different employees, while other callers can get pretty creative with it. Regardless of creativity, it’s gross, and we all hate it. We’re all just trying to do the best job we can here, and while I understand there are certain kinks that people are into (and I support that), don’t push your kink onto a non-consenting person. Luckily for us, there is a feature on our phone that blocks all unknown or private numbers, which has aided in decreasing these phone calls.
One phone call I had about a year ago, which I still think about on occasion, was from an inmate who called me from a semi-local penitentiary. If you don’t know, when someone calls you from prison, you have to accept the phone call before any conversation starts. There is an automatic recording that states where the call is from and gives you the option to accept or deny the call. Since I’m never one to turn down a weird experience, I accepted the call. On the other line, I was greeted by a voice that belonged to a man who told me that he was being released from prison in 28 days and was looking for "an outfit to walk out in." He told me that he wanted to dress like a woman and was looking for something made out of latex. Since this wasn’t an uncommon request, I didn’t really think anything of it. Many of my customers are cross-dressers, and it’s a lot more common than you think. He went on to tell me that he wears adult diapers, and the outfit he’s looking for would have to accommodate that. I told him that, unfortunately, I didn’t have anything like that at my store but to try the other stores in the area. He told me he tried calling another store with the company I work for, but they would not accept the call. He then asked if I could call ahead and ask them to accept the call. Sure, of course I will.
The store I called, I used to work at, so the store manager is actually a very good friend of mine. She picked up the phone, and I explained the call I had just received, and as I promised, asked her to accept the phone call from prison. We had a good chuckle over the situation, said our goodbyes, and that was the end to what I thought was one of the weirdest phone calls I’d ever received.
A little bit later that very same day, I got another phone call from the same prison. I accepted the call, and the same guy was on the other line. This time, he introduced himself to me as Jacob. Jacob told me he didn’t have a lot of luck with the other store, but he has another question for me. I asked him to go ahead.
He asks me, “How big is the biggest butt plug that you have in stock?”
I tell him about the famed “Brutalizer,” which is 15 inches long, almost 4 inches wide, and declared as "7 lbs. of meat," on its aggressive and intimidating box. Unimpressed, he asks what other sizes I carry and if I have any inflatable ones in a similar size. I told him that, sadly, I didn’t. His next question is whether or not it would fit up his butt and in his diaper. I tell him that’s a judgment call that only he can make.
Jacob has one last question for me. I heave an internal sigh and tell him that I’m listening. Jacob goes on to say to me that he’s looking for a woman to take care of his sexual needs, as well as be a caretaker to do things such as change his diaper, feed him, etc., and that he has a substantial inheritance that he would give her access to. Do I know of anyone who would be interested? Or where he could find someone who would be interested... I give Jacob a pretty curt "no."
“Sorry, Jacob, I really don’t.”
Jacob thanks me for my time and hangs up.
The next day, Jacob calls back. Against better judgment, I answer the phone, accept the call, and hear the familiar voice on the other end. He has one last question for me.
“Do you know where I can find any realistic fake breasts?" he asked.
Again, not an unusual question, but I put a little less effort into my answer this time and told him no. I didn’t have the energy for another lengthy conversation about latex, butt plugs, and diapers today.
“Do you have any suggestions for what I can stuff a bra with that would make it feel and look natural?”
I tell him again, "No." My patience is wearing thin at this point. I have actual customers on the sales floor that I need to assist. He seemed to note the abrupt change of tone in my voice, thanked me for my time, and hung up.
Later on that day, the phone rings. It’s...you guessed it...Jacob again! However, at this point, I was so depleted and far too busy to get invested in another conversation over the phone that I just let it ring and go to voicemail. He didn’t (or couldn’t) leave a voicemail and has since not tried to call again.
That was one of the more different phone calls I’ve had. An experience that definitely left me with some unanswered questions, but somehow I feel like I haven’t heard the last from Jacob.
And folks, please don’t prank call your friendly adult store clerk!
