Zodiac signs are one of those things that half of the humans know nothing about and don’t care to, because to them, it’s a pointless shit show of online psychics trying to tell you who to date and who to stay away from—all because of how some stars were aligned eons ago.
Then there is the half of the other half of humans that are the source of the said shit show. You most assuredly have met these people in real life. They’re the ones that go saying things like, "Oh, you’re a Taurus…that explains everything!" And they write off your entire life story as a sign from the universe that you were destined to be this way, and nothing you can do will ever change that. So go crawl in a hole and die now because nothing you do will ever matter.
Then there is that last half of the other half of humans, who, probably like me, know next to nothing about anyone’s zodiac signs or dates of when these people’s destinies start and end but are keenly aware of their own sign and do their best not to blame all of their earthly problems on the stars above. They might also go online and research their love interest’s sign "just for fun" to see if there are any red flags they should be aware of.
What I’m sure that most are aware of, though, is that these signs also have some sort of creature tied to them. Sometimes a mythical beast, sometimes a sheep, sometimes some dude with a bow and arrow, or something. But at the end of the day, I’m never fully satisfied with these usually bizarre personifications. I feel like something is missing from them, and one of those things that are missing is a good way to describe someone’s personality using a creature that everyone can relate to or have at least heard of before. So, let’s get this started so that I can get back to not caring about everyone else’s zodiac signs, and the last half of the other half of you can scroll down to your sign (or wait until next month’s article since this is a two-parter), read it, and then go to the next page.
The first sign of the zodiac, for some reason I don’t care to get into, Aries is personified as a horned sheep or ram. Their personality is described as being ambitious and eager to reach goals. Apparently, to the point where they don’t really think their plans through (if they had a plan at all) and go head first into whatever it is they are doing. Impatient and not liking to lie around the house all day, yet these people like sweatpants for some reason. They have a "child-like wonder" but are similar to those kids on road trips that are like, "Are we there yet? I’m just gonna get out of the car and walk there. It’s faster than traffic!" The descriptors I had read reminded me immediately of a chimpanzee. Chimpanzees are intelligent, quick on their toes, and constantly wearing human clothes. Monkeys are always curious and are just waiting for a chance to rip your face off if they are in one of those face-ripping moods. There you go, Aries. Just don’t bite my head off if any of these true facts angered you at all.
Taurus is represented by the Pokémon character that looks like a bull and is a bull and is named Taurus. A bull. Taurus people sound like they know how to make money, long-term goals are their jam, and they like gardening, I guess—and fancy clothes. They also hate synthetic fabrics. They get pissy when they’re bothered by whatever it is that strikes their match that day and are best left to just do their own thing without any interference whatsoever. When I read up on these guys, it sounded a lot like this chinchilla I used to own, Nibbler. Nibbler was a snotty bitch who only wanted to be touched for 30 seconds and then go fuck off and run around in a dust bath for 20 minutes. Chinchillas enjoy fancy treats and enclosures because you paid at least 200 dollars for the thing, so you might as well spend the money on a giant rat enclosure (they’re called Chinchilla Mansions, by the way). If you know a chinchilla, er…Taurus, the easiest way to be close to them is to fuck off and give them treats once in a while. Just nothing polyester.
Gemini doesn’t actually have an animal representation of its sign. Instead, it simply means "Twins." This is because of their ability to flip from one end of the spectrum to the other and maybe even change personalities altogether in the blink of an eye. I’ve seen some describe them as dolphins, but honestly, Gemini, being as timid as they are crazy, reminds me of that two-headed deer that lived a while back in time. Yes, the poor two-headed deer. Deer are already sporadic with their movements. You never know if one will jump in front of the car as a Hail Mary to try to kill itself or if it’ll do the smart thing and stay put. Unpredictable as all hell. Now imagine having another head talking at you, making you even more indecisive and skittery. That’s what I picture it being like as a Gemini person. Geez, I’m sorry, I think? I wonder how many Geminis are on antipsychotics when really all they need to do is look up at the stars and blame the night sky for all their problems. Don’t yell at the sky, though; people might actually think you’re crazy. The two-headed deer is actually quite sad to look at, so here you are as a normal, crazy deer.
Cancer is a crab. You know those bumper stickers that say, "Cancer is a bitch," well…it’s also a crab. They like being a homebody and eating a home-cooked meal with friends, maybe doing some sort of art, and just generally being their best hermit crab self. They are leery of strangers and dislike "yo mama’" jokes. I’d say a meerkat is a good representation of this sign. Meerkats—although curious—like to snuggle in holes in the ground and are constantly aware of anything that might even think of saying something unsavory about their mom. They’re likely to be a loyal friend but don’t expect them to go out dancing with you. You’ll probably be invited to a movie night "in" with spaghetti.
Alright, folks, this was what I was able to fit into this month’s article...all about you and the animal I think most closely represents you in real life. Next month is Halloween, so I’m sure I’ll have some haunting themes for your animal counterparts. Stay tuned. And stay sexy.
Hannah One Cup can be found reading tarot cards incorrectly and trying to figure out how the stars in the sky really looked like anything to people in 1000 BC, let alone how they got a "crab" out of one of them. You can find her on TikTok (rarely) @thursdaynight_depression or Facebook under her name.
