We’ve all gotten sick at least once in our lives. If you haven’t, you’re probably some kind of mutant and should be studied. From tiny colds to horrible cancers, there’s a galaxy of illnesses out there, and truth be told (no matter what they say about colds and flu building up your immune system), we don’t want anything to do with them—no matter how insignificant. That said, there’s something fascinating about disease and its nature. The most compelling, however, are the utterly strange diseases—the ones that turn people into zombies or make your dick explode, things like that. I’ve done a little research to find some of the most-odd-yet-captivating conditions which can be visited upon the human body.
Listed in no particular order.
This condition, known as PGAS for short, is a condition wherein the afflicted person is always at the brink of orgasm. Talk about edging. Yes, they can actually have an orgasm, but the "persistent" part means it comes back only an hour or so later. Therefore, either you go about your business and try to hide that you are literally about to cum at any time or sneak off for quick masturbation sessions with some frequency. That last one seems like it would lead to very chafed genitals and possibly lead to losing your job at the daycare.
Known formally as alkaptonuria, this is a genetic disorder where the body cannot effectively break down certain amino acids. This results in a buildup of what is called homogentisic acid. So what? Well, this buildup eventually results in black urine, as well as turning other body parts into a dark hue in the skin. Fingertips, elbows, toes, ears, nails, you name it. They can all be affected, though typically, it is not every single one of those areas; it averages one or two. Suffice it to say, it is a very rare condition, and must be inherited. Sorry goths, you’re gonna have to have normal pee instead of the black stuff. Interestingly, it doesn’t affect the lifespan of those who have the condition, nor cause any problems, save for being the person with black fingers and dark stains in their toilet bowl.
This one is also a genetic disorder. It is a condition in which the body is covered in thick "plates" made of keratin, which are separated by cracks in the skin, so essentially a giant suit of fingernail armor. They also sometimes have inverted eyelids. Damn. It is called ichthyosis because “ichthy” means "fish" in Greek, and the plates look somewhat like fish scales. The harlequin part is because the “scales” are frequently found in a diamond pattern, similar to that sported by the famous jester stock character. People born with this condition typically do not live more than a few years, if they even survive the first month, though the oldest person to ever have the condition is still alive at 38. One of the treatments or remedies is to keep the skin moist, but no data is available as to whether they end up craving fish pellets.
Known also as Gut Fermentation Syndrome, Auto-Brewery Syndrome is a condition wherein your body essentially brews its own beer in your intestines. Yes, you get drunk. No, you cannot either help or predict it. Nor can you somehow profit off this, apart from saving money on beer. It is caused by an overgrowth of certain fungi in your gut or by a condition like Crohn’s Disease, where you cannot digest yeast, so it builds up and, voila! Butt beer. It is unknown at this time as to whether or not others can become intoxicated by your "special brew" because, well, you try finding people willing to suck farts out of a hairy butthole in order to maaaaybe get hammered.
Known in the medical books as fibrodysplasia ossificans progressiva (FOP, and yeah, that’s a mouthful), it is a very rare disease, afflicting only one person out of 2,000,000. The condition turns your tendons, muscles, and ligaments into bone. Not actual stone, but it is most definitely reminiscent of some kind of wizard’s curse. It starts with the neck and shoulders and slowly works its way down the body, creating a second skeleton on top of the first. Then, it gets even better! You see, any trauma sustained by the body stimulates further bone growth. So, if you try to remove some of the bone, it grows more bone. If you try to biopsy the bone, it grows more bone. If you stub your toe, well...you get the idea. In the end, you wind up looking like some kind of skeleton monster, albeit an incredibly frail one. There is no known treatment. Ouch.
Known scientifically as Cotard’s Syndrome, which really lacks the punch of "Walking Corpse Syndrome," it is a condition where the sufferer believes that they are, in fact, dead. Or if not dead, then missing vital organs, blood, or even their immortal soul. Walking Corpse Syndrome is a psychological disorder rather than a physical ailment, and studies have been done linking it to depression. Great. Depressed and dead. Symptoms can include such things as not eating, self-harm, delusions of immortality, refusal to speak, insensitivity to pain, and belief that they don’t even exist. Thankfully, it does not cause these troubled individuals to seek out and consume human flesh. Typically, this disorder is treated with a dump truck of drugs and an Olympic swimming pool full of therapy.
Alice in Wonderland Syndrome is a neurological condition where the brain tells the body all the wrong things. It comes with severe migraines, and those who suffer from it report seeing their hands or feet appearing huge or tiny—or that they feel very tall or like they’ve shrank, thus the Alice in Wonderland title. It’s technically called Todd’s Syndrome. That’s not nearly as dramatic. Those with this illness also perceive objects as various sizes and proportions, as well as bizarre senses of dilated time and distances being off. Across the street seeming a mile away, but a mile away seeming like across the living room. Sounds pretty Alice-like to me, so fuck Todd.
There are dozens and dozens more bizarre illnesses out there, but these ones stuck out as especially bizarre during my research. Most of them are exceedingly rare or require a genetic predisposition, so I wouldn’t worry too much about somehow contracting one. That said, if you DO get any of these, I hope you have good insurance.
Stay healthy,
-Wombstretcha
Wombstretcha the Magnificent is a beer farter, walking corpse, Wonderland tourist, writer, and retired rapper from Portland, OR. He can be found at his website, wombstretcha.com, on Twitter as @wombstretcha503, and on MeWe.com (yay!) and Facebook.com (boo!) as "Wombstretcha the Magnificent."
