Don’t trust anyone over 30. It is as true today as it was when used to combat anti-Communist paranoia during the counter-culture movement in the '60s. Let's be honest...music is for the children—pop music, especially. If you don't get a record contract by the time you're 30, just give up. This isn't to say you can't be playing music into your 90s like the Rolling Stones, but when your career actually starts, there is a shelf life. Be honest. Take your top five favorite records, your top five favorite songs, your favorite artists, whatever. Look up how old they were when their first single or album came out. Sorry, strip club patron paying for female attention...the truth hurts, don’t it?
Fear not, lonely, boob-watching musical failure. This article is here to give you false hope that there is indeed life after 30. And I’m not talking about being a composer, jazz session player, or film score-ist. I’m talking about top 40 pop music. Iconic, genre-defining music that is, in every sense of the word, marketable. Please don't think I'm trying to convince you to keep hacking away at your pathetic, Modest Mouse-esque garage band. Please desist and get a real job. If no one's coming to your shows, and your friends smile and nod when you show them your music, my brother in Christ, just call it. We need mail carriers and nurses, not wannabe rock stars.
Still, I thought I’d throw a bone for those of you who are convinced you have the goods. Below are examples of some folks who were the exception, not the rule. Your average iconic pop star began their career as a teenager. Facts. Even Robert Smith lamented, like Julius Caeser gazing upon the statue of Alexander the Great, that he, too, had not created a masterpiece before the age of 30, like all of his idols. This prompted him to write the sketches for and help create 1989's Disintegration, which was released about a month before his 30th birthday. But also, fuck off Robert Smith, "Boys Don't Cry" came out when you were 20, and a lot of people consider Pornography a masterpiece. Hell, I consider The Head On The Door and Kiss Me, Kiss Me, Kiss Me masterpieces, but I'm super biased. The point is that 30 is a scary age, and here are some folks that no one ever heard about until they made it past that dreaded age.
Miss Blondie herself turned 31 a month after their band’s first single, "X Offender," was released in the summer of '76. Even so, most mainstream American music consumers didn't even know the name Blondie until "Heart Of Glass" was released as a single in early 1979 when Debbie was 33. You cannot argue that she was not only a sex symbol but also a pop idol of her time. She was part of what can only be described as one of the most iconic musical groups of the '70s. I dare you to find any literature from the mid to late 70s that described Miss Harry as "past her prime." Seriously. Find it and mail it to Mr. Exotic at 555 Go Fuckyourself Ave. in Portland, OR.
Although Mr. Withers released “Three Nights And A Morning” before his 30th birthday, it arrived with little to no fanfare. And by little to no, I mean none. “Ain’t No Sunshine” was released shortly before his 33rd birthday and became an inarguable masterpiece of not just soul music but pop music in general. Bill was literally building shitters for airplanes when the song blasted into the top 40 and refused to quit his toilet-building day job because he wasn't sure he'd be able to pay rent with this finicky music business. Clearly, he eventually did and even kept up with the world-changing bangers into the disco fad of the late '70s with "Lovely Day." He was kissing 40 then.
I’m including Mr. Boddy himself from 1985’s Clue to give some hope to the punk rockers since that is truly the youngest man's game. Granted, "I Love Living In The City" was initially released when he was 28, but literally no one cared. Also, that same song was re-recorded for Fear's seminal debut, The Record, when Mr. Ving was well past his punk expiration date, at two years past his 30th. Also, if you like punk rock and haven't heard of Fear's 1982 landmark album The Record, just take a half hour out of your life and thank me later. Also, fuck Christmas.
Cyndi Lauper was the first femme artist to make a debut album that had four top-five hits on the Billboard 100. Can you imagine anyone giving a 30-year-old pop singer the time of day in this youth-obsessed, cut-throat industry, even today? Well, someone in the early '80s did, and it paid off in dividends 'cause you can't pretend Miss Unusual herself wasn't a defining artist of '80s commercial pop. Dear record labels, leave the teenagers alone and scout out the "old hags" in their early 30s for once. You might strike gold.
Okay, this might be a bad example since I’m not sure anyone under the age of 30 even knows who Leonard Cohen is. JK, please don't @ me Reed College students. I am well aware he is the patron saint of freshmen English major snobs. Still, you can't be a freshman studying any kind of humanities in a university in this country without going through a Cohen phase. He is clearly a quintessential voice in American letters, even though he's Canadian.
I cannot stress enough how this article is not meant to convince you to continue using your annoying passion project as an excuse to call in for work. However, I think it's important to shed light on some of the folks who—at the age when their first record saw the light of day—you'd think were too old to be at this house show.
