Depending on how single you are, everyone’s favorite February holiday is Valentine’s Day, so I will try to lean this month’s offering toward something romance-related. Please don’t take me for the sentimental type. I simply can’t think of any music-related material that jives with President’s Day, nor do I feel qualified to write anything about Black History Month. Genital-mashing it is, then.

While it would be easy to make some nihilistic, snarky piece about failed relationships within bands or a fun, juicy gossip listicle, I thought it would be a better use of my platform to clue you in on some lesser-known pairs that played together and stayed together.

Everyone knows about the failed marriages that couldn’t bring down bands like The White Stripes or Fleetwood Mac and, depending on the time of this publication, Die Antwoord. There are also groups that couldn’t survive the dissolution of the romantic relationship that held it together. R.I.P. Sonic Youth and Cocteau Twins. It was fun while it lasted.

Nay, those wouldn’t be fun to write or read. Why kick a broken thing while it’s down? Some people just aren’t right for each other—no need to rub it in.

Instead, I thought I’d mention some of the more successful but less...boisterous couples that work together musically. If you haven’t heard of them before, it’s probably ’cause they’re doin’ just fine and never had Rumors-level lyrical spats with each other...

I’ve been a bouncer for six and a half years now, and in that time, I’ve run into all manner of difficulties that come with the job. Drunk people alone manage to cause an entire spectrum of new, interesting, and unpleasant problems; one night, maybe a crying drunk girl gets mascara stains all over my shirt, and the next night, perhaps someone shits in the urinal...drunks are creative that way. Ongoing interpersonal dramas that, some-stupid-fucking-how, I end up having to deal with (or even just hear about) are a particularly enjoyable difficulty I run into a lot, and when I say "fun," what I really mean is "my personal hell." Seriously, who the fuck watches Days of Our Lives?! I get really goddamn annoyed when I have to deal with other people’s drama at work. At least then, I’m getting paid for it. Watching it on TV is the last thing I want to do, which is probably why I gravitate towards comedies. But I digress...

It’s February, and as such, we’re asked to provide gifts and luxuries to our others of significance. A storied tradition, but not one I’m actually sure anyone likes. Nobody enjoys perfunctory gifts—giving or getting. It’s not a hard ask, of course, and people tend to expect such things, but we as a species are really not great gift-givers. We give things we think people might want, and for what occasion? Oh yes, the fact that we’re in a relationship. Wonderful. The fact of the matter is, naturally, that we’re essentially obligated to do this. It’s what they call a "Hallmark holiday," meaning its purpose is basically to sell shit nobody wants to people who buy into the charade. Fine. Do you. That said, there are things you should not give people for such a day. I will chronicle them here. Also, bonus to single people who are not obligated to give a shit.

Listed in no particular order, but usually, the good shit is saved for last...

February is the month that "typical" people go out and do the "normal" thing of stressing about what else they could possibly do for their significant other that they hadn’t already accomplished just a month and a half ago (remember that day with all those lights and candles and trees and presents?).

They get to enjoy the obviously necessary overload of romanticized commercials for those disgusting edible arrangements, male enhancement pills, Kay Jewelers, or for you locals, "The Shane Company, across the freeway from the Washington Square Mall. Open Monday through..."—you know the spiel. They enjoy these commercials because they are having a hard time determining what they should be getting their loved ones, so they need to be directed into the right lane with not-so-subliminal messaging from these companies...