Those special people who are lucky enough to consider you a friend and who you should also feel just so lucky to know. Individuals who each add their own unique blend of spices or shelf-stable powdered juice substance, meat, or milk product to your life. They’ve seen you at your best and have certainly seen you at your worst. They fight with you, but always in just the right way to where you both start talking to each other again…after a suitable amount of time apart, to sit and call each other names like “judgmental asshole" to yourselves.
After all is said and done, they are still there—like unmoving rocks. Sisters from other misters and brothers from other mothers are there like a beacon of warm light. Sometimes, this beacon is annoying and constantly shining in your eyes, but it’s consistent and there at the end of the day. Best friends do not always last a lifetime, but during their time with you on this earth, they will leave a lasting souvenir (or tattoo) that you will use to recall or reminisce about later and for the rest of your life.
As someone who has had only a handful of people whom I’ve rightfully considered best friends throughout my life, I can say that the best friends I had in grade school were the same as they were in high school (I had a graduating class of 30 kids, what do you expect?), but are not the same as my current best friend(s) (you know who you are), because we’ve all changed. Anyway, I thought it would be fun to consider the differences in our reasoning behind what makes someone a best friend when we are in grade school versus what we want out of a friend when we’re an adult. Let’s start with…
Kindergarten Best Friend(s)
When I was in kindergarten, I was certain I was going to marry this one boy in my class because he was so funny. He thought I was the most annoying thing since soggy toast, but I wouldn’t stop saying, "he’s my boyfriend!” Anyway, my first best friend was in kindergarten. She was a tough cookie who was very blunt for a 5-year-old. She walked up to me and said, "He’s not your boyfriend. He can’t tie his shoes." I remember thinking later on—as an adult—how profound those words were for a kindergartener and how glad I was to have this truthful, booger-eating girl as my friend. She unknowingly set the tone for my life and made me aware of something called "standards." After her, all my other friends were judged by this standard she had set for me, and I wish to thank you, too.
Grade School Best Friend(s)
The rest of grade school, I feel like kids are attempting to gather as many other kids as possible into their dirty little hands so that they can retain popularity for a specific length of time. Usually, this time span is until the end of high school. But sometimes, something unfortunate happens, like weight gain, braces, an embarrassing event, etc., which will cause those children to leave your pig pen high and dry. Those aren’t best friends. Your best friend is still there in the mud with you, and teaching you how to play the most popular trading card game of the time, so you can try to get "cool" again.
Middle School Best Friend(s)
In middle school, some of us still have a fair amount of children as "best friends" from elementary school. We throw that word around pretty fast and easily, like hotdogs, but that’s just so we can have big birthday parties, get presents, be invited to other kids’ houses, and remain popular. In reality, middle school kids have one or two really tight friends who know everything about them. Everything from your current crush, your REAL favorite band (I never really liked Disturbed…), shows you watch, and where you were during 4th period (you weren’t pooping. No one poops in middle school, and you have a hickey on your cheek...?).
High School Best Friend(s)
Once you get into high school, you’ve pretty much retained the popularity you had in middle school (or were gifted full headgear and SAW-style braces late in middle school, so that changed the status quo a bit). You’ve also continued on with the real best friend you’ve had all these years, and you guys have plans for what you’ll do after high school together. Other kids are still around, but they each have their own best friends at that point, so everyone is just a little less close than you were making them out to be earlier on. Your high school BFF has been there for all your heartbreaks, all your firsts: cigarettes, trying weed, sex (and knows why you don’t know if you like it yet), and other memorable milestones. You both plan on living together or close by. Maybe you’ll go to college, but you’re on the fence since you’ve been grinding that same wheel for over 12 years. Either way, you’ll both be in each other’s lives—that is the plan.
Adulthood Best Friend(s)
After high school, you and your best friend, whom you had kept close for over 12 years, may start to drift apart. Maybe you both moved or got into relationships, jobs, or things of the sort...or maybe they’re also remaining your adult best friend, which is rad, and I congratulate you. Your adult best friend(s) may have expiration dates that don’t seem to last as long as your childhood best friends. You become a bit more choosy about who you allow into your close circle, which is the bullshit storm of your life. If they can’t handle the storm, you tell them to politely get the fuck out of the kitchen and stop telling you what to do. Sometimes, that conversation or argument ends the relationship. Other times, it strengthens it. But your adult best friend will be with you through thick and thin (as thin as their adult lives can handle, anyway).
I am lucky to have a couple of best friends currently. They’ve been long-standing members of the "Real Intense Big Fans of Hannah Club" or RIBFOHC (rib fuck) for a few years now and it’s going great.
At the end of this article, I had planned on discerning what it was that made us choose who we had as best friends. But honestly, I’ve realized I never did choose my best friends. I believe all best friends are weasels who force or find their way into our chicken coop, eat our food, and then start having heart-to-heart conversations with us about how we could better ourselves (and protect our house from home invaders like those pesky chickens). They take us out to strip clubs and eat steak with us while simultaneously preaching that we needed to get in shape.
In my humble opinion, I believe our adult friends are worth fighting with and for. Hold those dipshits close before they realize what a shitshow your life is becoming and that they should probably leave you. Buy them flowers and say that some sleazy article you read in a mag at a strip club told you to.
If they ask which strip club and if they have steak, tell them "yes," put a ring on it, and call it a day because you’ve found a keeper.
Hannah One Cup can be found at various strip clubs eating steak and burgers with her best friend. She very much enjoyed her burger at Lucky Devil and recommends visiting for the talented dancers, food, and bartender Jessica (you were so rad for finding merch that fit, thanks much!). Thanks to DJ Jack and the great doorman who allowed her to take this photo (you do a great job, Adam). She also learned an ancient secret passed down by an interesting woman—that you can find out if pants or shorts fit or not if the width can reach around your neck… You can also find her on Facebook by her name and on TikTok (@thursdaynight_depression).
