In the course of human affairs, much has been decided by war. Naturally, everyone at war tries to get one over on their enemies. This typically results in offensive developments, as the progression of technology is often driven by conflict. However, this has also led to some absolutely ridiculous things that were, at their time, considered Very Good Ideas™, but as the tide of history moves on, we realize they were, in fact, not good ideas. I will take you through some of the most silly or impractical weapons people have made.
Listed in no particular order.
The Man Catcher
Ah, the noble "man catcher"—and before everyone starts hearing the words of the popular club song "Headhunter" by Front 242, this was considered a benign implement to literally, well, catch men, as it is basically a giant spring-pincer with spikes on the inside, to nab someone from horseback, or on horseback, depending on your situation. Its efficacy at catching said men has a poor record in the annals of history and fell out of favor, as it seems just catching people with a rope had a better track record...but it’s a silly device worthy of mention. The spikes don’t seem that benign, but this was the middle ages we’re talking about. Apparently, people could be caught in a giant spring horseshoe with spikes in it, and this was considered a humane way of restraining them.
Project Pigeon
Now, this just might be one of the weirdest things ever devised, in war or not. Famed behavioralist B.F. Skinner decided that one could save time and money by building a guided bomb to launch at Axis powers during the Second World War. However, he decided that this bomb should be guided by pigeons. How, you ask? Well, there was an image displayed on a screen, which, if they pecked at it, would be given birdseed. So when the birds are stuffed into a glider full of explosives, once they see the picture, which, of course, was the target, they would maneuver toward it. Skinner complained to the War Department that nobody was "taking this seriously." Ya think?
Bat Bomb
Speaking of animal-based weaponry, at one point during WWII, "enterprising" people with connections in high places, namely a dentist, decided that if we drop canisters of sleeping bats with fire-starting devices on a timer, those bats would roost under the eaves of Japanese homes, which incorporated a lot of flammable parts at the time. Then, the bats would catch fire and spread the flames to raise a ruckus. This man did not like bats at all, and all the bats involved were stuffed in various sacks out of Carlsbad Caverns. Damn.
Japanese Balloon Strike
With last year’s fuss over the weird Chinese surveillance balloon the USA shot down, we might think balloons a tool for observation, be it weather balloons or spy balloons, but not always. After the bat fracas we inflicted on Tokyo, which was not really all that effective, they decided that they would do something equally ridiculous. What is that? Well, they sent hundreds of 35-foot-diameter balloons that, when they landed, would catch fire! They launched them from Japan and were just like, "If it works, it works." It didn’t work all that well, but the balloons were found as far east as Michigan. There was a special fire brigade here in the Pacific Northwest in case one caught stuff on fire. They did not see a lot of work. Not sure if the Canadians got any, but if they did, they were probably saying, "Oh good, it’s really cold out, eh."
The Lantern Shield
Imagine when you were a kid, and you would design ridiculous things and draw them. I don’t know if all of you did this, but I sure did. Renaissance Italians (before Italy was even really a thing, just warring city-states), I am fairly sure they put a kid in charge of armor design because a lantern shield is a spike-lined shield with a glove built-in—or gauntlet, really—as well as a sword, and a hook to hold a lantern! Ostensibly, so you could duel at night. We think life is boring now, but holy hell, they most certainly found ways to overcome that back then. No TV, so I guess it’s nighttime duels with a metal glove with a shield, sword, and lantern attached to it! Let’s go!
Hunga-Munga
It’s not a terrible thing. It’s an African throwing or...hacking weapon. It’s basically a very odd axe with one purpose: war. However, it did not really work correctly. It was this bizarre jumble of edges and curves. Don’t get me wrong, I would not want to be hit by one, but they were just thinking, "What if we made an axe to hit people with?" "Okay, okay, we’re on board." But then they say, "Wait...what if we could also throw it at those fuckers?" "Tell me more..." and so, the Hunga-Munga was born. It is, ostensibly, a dual-purpose throwing and hitting axe, but its utility as both of those things is dubious, considering that it is a crazy tumult of random edges and lines.
Urumi
Imagine a sword, which is also a whip. That is what the urumi is. It’s a sword, but the blade is not straight. It’s essentially a flexible metal strip that is sharp on the sides, but one wields like a whip. It takes some time to learn its practice, and it originates in the ancient days of India, though some still practice it today. Not sure which Indian person was like, "What if we had a sword which was a whip?" but it seems people were onboard, and these things are absolutely nuts. Go look up videos of people using these, and you will instantly wonder how they do not fuck themselves up.
There are far more, of course, as the nature of humans to fight themselves has not and will not abate. Perhaps there will be a part 2, but we shall see. Avoid pigeon bombs and flaming bats—and especially that urumi. Be well, and live well.
-Wombstretcha
Wombstretcha the Magnificent is a pigeon enthusiast, semi-professional Dollar Tree shopper, writer, and retired rapper from Portland, OR. He can be found at his website, Wombstretcha.com, on X as @wombstretcha503, and on MeWe and Facebook as "Wombstretcha the Magnificent," which is his legal name.
