I feel like I use this column to shit on L.A. a lot, so I thought I’d try something different this time. Instead of bitching and moaning about what’s wrong with the music industry epicenter, I thought I’d use this page to dish out some free, useful advice to aspiring rock stars in their inevitable pilgrimage to this promised (cough), cursed land.
Okay, enough trash talk. Truth is, if you want to even attempt a career in music, you’ll need to learn how to navigate this SoCal metropolis. You’re never going to get anywhere recording your shitty little home demos and gigging in your shitty little small town (unless it’s New York City, then you maybe have a chance of someone noticing). All the money, all the decision makers, all the studios and labels—they’re all in Los Angeles. Your only chance of even meeting a mythological A&R rep is in L.A. You think Sub Pop and Kill Rock Stars have A&R people?! I mean, they do, but they aren’t going to shows with contracts. They might surf TikTok and look for something with a million views. If they do go to shows, they’re gonna fly to L.A. to see a band that paid enough to play the Whisky a Go Go.
As I’ve mentioned in a previous piece, all roads lead to Rome. And when in Rome...etc. Unless your idea of success is playing at 2 a.m. on one of the side stages at the Oregon Country Fair, you’ll need to make the pilgrimage. So, you might as well be prepared.
I’ve been to L.A. a few times as a touring musician, and have spoken to many poor bastards who moved down there to “make it,” so don’t take these bullet points with a grain of salt. Swallow them whole, without a chaser.
Before you even pack your extra socks to make the dreaded quest south, you need to make sure you have these four things in your van. No point even entering the city limits, unless you acquire these four essential quest items.
It’s dangerous to go to L.A. alone. Take these.
A Jet Pack
For a city that was built for cars and connected by highways, there is absolutely zero parking in this Godforsaken place. If ever there was a failed experiment in city infrastructure, it was this, the second biggest city in America. In order to get from anywhere to anywhere in L.A., you need to get on the highway, and there is traffic all hours of the day, except for the witching hour. And even then, you might find a pile-up due to construction. None of the shitty, small venues you’re playing have any parking. Ever. There’s only one solution. Fly in on a jet pack. Borrow equipment from the other bands. Otherwise, add six hours to whatever Google Maps says.
A Gas Mask
Even the people I know who live in this city say it took them a while to get acclimated. Go to the highest peak of Griffith Park and look down at the sprawling metropolis. You will always see an ever-present haze. Granted, it’s not as bad as it was in the ’80s and ’90s, thanks to these things called laws. Still, it’s pretty brutal. If you’re reading this, you likely live in the Pacific Northwest (I know this magazine’s distribution range). You’ve never known unclean air. You are not prepared. Clamp on, kid. Your pampered lungs won’t be able to handle it.
Several Cases of Beer
Another thing we take for granted in the great, cold, wet Pacific Northwest is the abundance of bars that are open at a decent fucking hour. Portland has often been compared to Dublin, in that our denizens love nothing more than having a pint or ten at a pub with our mates at any hour of the day. Usually, all hours of the day. It appears these SoCal folks aren’t quite so keen on day-drinking. According to my friends who live there, it seems they hit the club scene hard at night, but they have these weird things called "jobs" in the daytime. Good luck finding any bar open before 5 p.m., which is usually when load-in is. If you’re the average PNW struggling—cough—failing musician, you certainly aren’t going to make it through the day without some lunch beers. Make sure to stock up.
The Entire Audience
Another thing you’ll quickly learn as you start playing shows in Los Angeles: it’s a zero-sum game. Everyone is in competition with everyone else. No one is helping each other out. You’re probably used to helping bring out the crowd and hype up the shows for when touring bands come through your town. Don’t rely on the local bands in L.A. to do the same for you. And it’s not even their fault. The people down there are sick of live music—specifically rock bands. Do not expect the lusty locals to come check out what out-of-town group is coming through town. They don’t care. You need to fill the bar yourself. How, is up to you. Call up whatever friends or family you have in town. Pay people to come. Trick people into coming. Use some of my tips and tricks to increase draw from a few issues ago. Whatever you do, don’t expect anyone to be at your shows. Try to get a viral hit on TikTok or something. Honestly, the easiest thing to do is just bring a bunch of people with you to L.A. to fill the venue with. Los Angeles is strictly B.Y.O.B. The second "B" stands for bodies. However, they need to find their own damn parking.
