The Vatican. Seat of Catholicism. Amazing architecture. The fuckin’ Pope lives there, and so on. Vatican City is a small country, at only .19 square miles in size, and the Church and only the Church sovereignly governs it. As long as the Catholic Church has existed, there has been a whole lot of crazy shit that has been attributed to the institution. Catholics, I’m not poking fun at you...well, okay, maybe a little, but there has long been speculation as to what goes on behind the scenes. I am talking about the Vatican Secret Archive, which is purportedly a vast collection of things the Holy See has collected over the centuries, which are kept secret by the will of the church, or really, what things people think they are keeping down there...

So, I feel like my expectations were set too high with last year’s The Substance. I thought horror, particularly body horror, was returning to the realm of the gooners. That movie won awards! There was enough titty in that movie to contend with some of the great VHS skinfests from the ’80s, or borderline porn from the ’70s. I was certain we were back! When I saw a bunch of noise made about an indie body horror movie featuring a real-life couple dealing with themes of intimacy and relationships, you can imagine how quickly I reached for my theater lube...

We all have memories of childhood, some more than others. Not all these memories are happy, and fewer still are memories that actually happened. I find that many times I’ll concoct some story that occurred when I was a child, which stems from memories being misplaced and jumbled together to form one complete, false memory. My false memories tend to paint me as a wonderful, hard-working student. A tomboy who had more guy friends than girls, because girls were too complicated, and who was always polite to everyone she met. However, upon spending more time contemplating my childhood, I’ve come to realize that I was probably a huge, little dick...

I feel like I use this column to shit on L.A. a lot, so I thought I’d try something different this time. Instead of bitching and moaning about what’s wrong with the music industry epicenter, I thought I’d use this page to dish out some free, useful advice to aspiring rock stars in their inevitable pilgrimage to this promised (cough), cursed land.

Okay, enough trash talk. Truth is, if you want to even attempt a career in music, you’ll need to learn how to navigate this SoCal metropolis. You’re never going to get anywhere recording your shitty little home demos and gigging in your shitty little small town (unless it’s New York City, then you maybe have a chance of someone noticing)...