So, I feel like my expectations were set too high with last year’s The Substance. I thought horror, particularly body horror, was returning to the realm of the gooners. That movie won awards! There was enough titty in that movie to contend with some of the great VHS skinfests from the ’80s, or borderline porn from the ’70s. I was certain we were back! When I saw a bunch of noise made about an indie body horror movie featuring a real-life couple dealing with themes of intimacy and relationships, you can imagine how quickly I reached for my theater lube!
Very quickly, if you were wondering.
After taking a month off, and only being able to achieve an erection from a foreign, streaming flick, I was excited to come back slinging web with a true theatrical release, finally. There was no way this wasn’t going to be a horny, gross flesh fest in the vein of golden classics like Society.
Spoilers Ahead!
It wasn’t. I probably should’ve done a little more research before flinging myself, boner first, towards the first theater I saw. I keep forgetting that, although The Substance was an American movie, it was still helmed by a French director. I guess I really should mitigate my expectations. Despite what the Oscars led me to believe, it seems we’re still on the prude end of the pendulum swing. And not just with films, but also the cultural perception of films. I am still irked by those Reddit idiots trying to lecture me on how Sinners was a very sexual movie. NOT. ONE. TIT.
Together is in this same vein of film that’s about sex without showing any sex. And I’m sorry, I do not count clothed fuck scenes as legitimate fuck scenes. To be clear, we do get to see Alison Brie’s tits, but not till the very fucking end. I was hoping, since she did full frontal in that weird movie where aliens kidnap her or something, and we get to see her fat bush, she would be totally fine bearing all in this one. Based on the trailers, I was expecting all kinds of nudity, as her and Dave Franco’s bodies went from fucking to melting together.
Save yourself an expensive theater trip and stream this one...so you can just fast forward to the end, ’cause that’s the only time that happens.
As I mentioned above, there is one clothed fuck scene, but again I simply can’t count it cause you don’t get to see anything. It is in a school bathroom, so that’s kind of a hot setting. Reminded me of high school, when I’d try to pee in the urinal while listening to the jocks plow the cheerleaders in the stalls behind me. Core memory unlocked, but not enough to get even a half chub.
Okay, I take that back. You do get some nudity in that fuck scene, in the form of Baby Franco’s flaccid dick. It’s kind of a funny scene, but, like…if we get to see the dude’s wang, doesn’t it seem only fair we get to see the gal’s snatch? She’s already shown it.
As I was walking home with a tube of unused lube and a full set of balls, I realized there was actually a lot more male nudity in the movie in general than female nudity. Then I remembered a conversation I overheard in a bar I was sitting in alone. Apparently, Dave Franco is some sort of gay fetish icon in the club scene. Or at least he was when he was younger. There was a period where at most gay dance nights, especially in Portland, clips of Dave Franco from his various roles were projected on the walls. Or on a screen if one was handy. I became so engrossed in this conversation that I accidentally asked "Why Dave Franco?" out loud to the two guys discussing this. They promptly made a disgusted face, got up, and left. I never got the answer as to why.
But it did make me think that maybe this movie wasn’t for me. Maybe it was an extension of this Dave Franco gay fetishization. During said sex scene, we do get some Dave Franco ass. And there’s a shower scene where there’s a whole bunch of his ass. No dick, but plenty of ass and a slick, wet, nude Davey boy thrashing around, because of some plot point I wasn’t paying attention to.
So, while this film doesn’t do anything to me, I encourage my gay readers—if I have any of them—to write in and tell me if this did anything for them, downstairs. I’m curious if the shower scene is currently being projected on the walls at a gay bar right now. I’m too straight to find out myself, but if someone can confirm, that’d be swell.
1/5 eggplants
Ian Sellwood is a voice actor, comedian, and certified Sigma Male from Lake Oswego. He frequently contributes content to Mr. Skin and is highly active on 4chan. He can be reached at iancel@xmag.com
