The Vatican. Seat of Catholicism. Amazing architecture. The fuckin’ Pope lives there, and so on. Vatican City is a small country, at only .19 square miles in size, and the Church and only the Church sovereignly governs it. As long as the Catholic Church has existed, there has been a whole lot of crazy shit that has been attributed to the institution. Catholics, I’m not poking fun at you...well, okay, maybe a little, but there has long been speculation as to what goes on behind the scenes. I am talking about the Vatican Secret Archive, which is purportedly a vast collection of things the Holy See has collected over the centuries, which are kept secret by the will of the church, or really, what things people think they are keeping down there.
They say the Archive is a miles-long underground vault which holds a lot of historical secrets and bizarre relics, and only very few people have been granted access to the same, which is predicated on taking an oath of strict confidence. No copies of documents, no photos, no electronic devices allowed. Top secret shit. I looked into it, and people believe that due to this secrecy, many crazy ideas of what they are keeping in there have encouraged great speculation. I have researched the most bizarre things I’ve found people saying about it. I’m thinking, how can it be a miles-long dungeon if the whole country is only 0.19 square miles? Are they zig-zagging it like a medieval game of Tron?
In no particular order…
The Ark of the Covenant
Yeah, that big, ghost-throwing bitch from Indiana Jones. It is supposedly a big wooden chest covered in gold, which contains the original ten commandments, Aaron’s rod (purportedly some kind of Hebrew pimp cane), and a big, fat cup of manna, which I think is supposed to get you high as fuck. It was lost in antiquity because many people wanted it and took it for themselves. Where did it end up? Some people think the Vatican has it in the basement. You know, for parties.
The True Cross
Ostensibly, they have a huge hunk of the cross that Mr. Jesus died on. They give some away
from time to time. They gave one to King Charles III for his coronation, to break bread, I guess, as he is the head of the Church of England, which is not Catholic. If we counted the number of times people said they had the damn thing, there’d be enough wood to think we cleared a forest.
Nazi Gold
There have been many assertions in the past that the Nazis, during their time in power, had given gold to the Bank of the Vatican, and had the resultant cash funneled back to them via shell corporations, investments, and many other things. This one might actually be true, since the Bank of the Vatican has been known for such schemes in more modern eras, as well. However, we shall never know if they’re hoarding them bricks.
Time Machine
At a time in the mid-20th century, a priest named Pellegrino Ernetti said he had invented something he called a "chronovisor." What does it do? Well, it is like a TV, but it lets you see any moment from the past, as though you were there. They were said to have been excited because they wanted to see the crucifixion of Jesus. That’s a tad morbid, I feel. The Vatican has never confirmed, nor denied, this endeavor. I’d watch something else if it existed. Like when Ben Franklin fucked that guy’s mom, then kicked him right in the dick, and mused to himself, "I should write a book about this."
The Original Devil’s Bible
Also known as the "Codex Gigas," this book is a massive edifice of literature. There’s mythology about it, which states that there was a monk who got in legal trouble and was to be executed for a crime unspecified, but thought to be heresy. He appealed to the magistrates that he would write a compendium of all human knowledge in a single day if they let him go. They gave him a chance. He got to it, but knew it was fruitless, so he made a pact with the devil to help him write it, in exchange for his soul, of course. He accepted, according to legend, and penned this humongous book.
When I say the book was big, I’ll put it this way: it was 20 inches wide, 36 inches tall, 9 inches thick, and weighed 165 pounds—penned on 310 goatskin pages, in delightful calligraphy. There is a wonderful drawing of Satan in the middle of the book, which also contains the whole bible, medical treatises, those on agriculture, those on politics, great pages on demons, and the means to summon or banish them. The work was clearly not made in a day, but probably over many years; however, the rumor is that there’s a real version, which contains information humans should not know. What, the demon thing wasn’t enough?
Dead Saints
There’s a little-known quality in sainthood that if you are pious to a certain degree, then when you die, your body will not decay. These people are known as "incorruptible," as you defy death itself and remain looking good, even though you are indeed dead.
Many tales exist that (for whatever reason), the body of a holy person will be exhumed, and they find, despite being long-dead, your flesh is livid and you look like you are alive. They have a collection of these, which they admit, and they put them in glass coffins to display. However, it is speculated that they have a team of specialists to keep long-dead saints fresh and ready for the club. My question here is how the fuck many of them are they sitting on?
Robot Pope
It is rumored that they have a robot Pope...not like a sci-fi robot, but more like an animatronic, made by Catholic imagineers, poached from Disneyland. It is said that the purpose of it is for when the real Pope is busy, but needs to be waving to the masses somewhere else. It makes some sense, but I don’t think it is a thing…or is it? Hard to say.
Gigolos
I know, I know. Low-hanging fruit, but leaked internal communications, and everyone’s best common knowledge, have noted that there have been many internal Vatican instances that involve male prostitutes. In addition, it is known that they fought like hell to not change their age of consent from 12 to 18 in 2013, so that just makes this far more creepy...and more likely.
Alexander the Great
His body, anyhow. I don’t think he’s down in the archives tearing shit up. Nobody really knows what happened to him, but a popular conspiracy theory is that the Vatican has his body in cold storage after all these years. When he hit the pavement for good, he was buried in Egypt, then moved to Alexandria because he founded the damn place and wanted to be buried there, but after a few years, during the Middle Ages, he was sold to the Vatican, who thought it was the body of St. Mark. They thought, "Well, this sounds great. We’ll dress him up and have him chill in the basement for all time."
Fucking Aliens
Yes, people think there is a UFO in the archives, some flying saucer, which was captured approximately a hundred years ago. If not that, merely a dead alien body. According to certain people, the Vatican gets regular visits from extraterrestrial beings. Not sure why that would happen. Are the little green men Catholic? Did they come for space mass?
The Nancy Drew Conspiracy
The Archives are said to house the entire collection of first-edition Nancy Drew books. They are read to the Pope when he is having a bad day, by a specifically-ordained cardinal, titled Cardinal of the Drew. This collection also includes copies of the never-seen books, which were banned from release due to heretical content.
Those are some of the things I read about people’s beliefs when researching this. I think robot Pope is the most likely.
Holy See ya next time, and take care.
-Wombstretcha
Wombstretcha the Magnificent is a pope, possibly an alien, certainly not Alexander the Great, writer, and retired rapper from Portland, OR. He can found at his website, Wombstretcha.com, on Twitter/X/whatever as @wombstretcha503, and on MeWe and (begrudgingly) Facebook as "Wombstretcha the Magnificent."
