Caligula: The Final Review
Well, dear readers, it appears our time has come to an end. I figured this fate befalls all those who speak truth to power.
I was summoned to the Editor-In-Chief’s office, a truly gawdy affair. For those of you who want to peek behind the curtain of this Portland staple, our dear leader’s office sits atop Big Pink. All the way at the top. The 42nd floor is dedicated entirely to the Editorial Suite. The whole thing is covered in gold leaf, with an incredible view of the city. All our ad space sellers work on laptops, reclining on velvet couches, while being fanned by eunuchs, and blown by tattooed girls in pleasers. The big man himself sits on a golden throne, behind a desk made of bronze stripper poles.
Before I could ask why I didn’t get to have one of the fanning, blowjob desks, I was told to shut up and sit down. I can’t remember why, ‘cause I wasn’t paying attention, but the gist was that I was being fired.
I guess my reviews were too much of a bummer, since I was constantly poo-pooing movies. I always thought the most successful movie critics were the ones who did the most poo-pooing.
What I do remember him saying was something I’m still mulling over as I write this. “People don’t watch movies for the nudity. They watch it for the plot.”
I’ll probably never understand what he meant by this. I was completely demoralized. What was he talking about? I was still stunned when he said that...because they had already sold the ad space, I could deliver one more piece. Despondent, I left Big Pink and checked Fandango, but was once again disappointed to see the offerings. The voice of the Editor-In-Chief was in my head, shaming me for giving too many bad reviews.
Then, I walked past one of the many artsy theaters that downtown has to offer. Probably the last one I wasn’t kicked out of. I noticed they had posters from some older movies. One in particular had a bunch of gaudy costumes that reminded me of the Exotic editorial offices, down to the boss’s purple cloak. I’d never heard of it before, but the aesthetic reminded me of those sword and sandal TV shows that had a whole buttload of nudity in them, so I figured it was fair game. I’ve done retrospective reviews before, and this was technically in the theater.
Well, dear readers. I’m sorry if I brought down your mood in the last few issues. So let my last piece in here bring you right back up. I’d never heard of this film, but it put those Showtime and HBO shows to shame. Hopefully, it’s still in this little art theater by the time it comes out.
SPOILERS AHEAD
So I was well aware that ‘70s movies are way more horny than they are today. Even more so than the Anora-era horny resurgence. But I didn’t realize that there was just straight-up porn in mainstream movies back then. I kept checking my phone in the theater, much to everyone’s displeasure, to confirm, but this 1979 film was considered mainstream, like in regular theaters. I mean, I was in a theater watching it now.
Not only do we get boobs and bush within the first few minutes, but like...not soon after, there are full-on penetration shots. Like, not even any way it could be simulated. Or if it was, I don’t see the point. You straight up see giant erect cocks going into hairy ‘70s pussies.
There is a scene with dudes jerking off into a bowl for some chubby, naked gal in a bathtub to drink. Absolutely nothing left to the imagination. I was honestly so shocked that it took me a while to get turned on. But luckily, this movie was like 4 hours long, so after I got used to the aggressive, gratuitous nudity, I still had plenty of time to rub one out.
And good thing, because they saved the best for last. If some of you have seen this before, you know the scene I’m talking about. The infamous orgy scene. When
I was a kid, I thought the orgy scene in Eyes Wide Shut was a real hog-cranker. Good god, that scene is Teletubbies compared to this one. Some nudity, yes, but nothing even remotely graphic. This is a proper orgy, topping it off with two gals blowing one of the biggest dicks I’ve seen, to completion.
I am pretty sure that’s real cum at the end, and if not...it still did the job for me. And there was still like an hour of the movie left!
I noticed that the stars never did any of the unsimulated stuff, but they didn’t need to. There’s barely a frame in this film that’s not decorated with naked flesh. I think there might be more penetration shots in this movie than in some online porn shorts.
I’m glad this is my last review, because it totally validates what I’ve been saying about movies for the year or so I’ve been writing for this magazine. You can chock a movie full of boobs, bush, erect cocks, and fucking, and be taken seriously. You can basically make a porno, but have like...expensive sets and famous actors in it. It is possible, and I’m tired of hearing otherwise.
This is Ian Sellwood signing off, asking us to look to the past to find the future for film.
5/5 eggplants
Ian Sellwood is a voice actor, comedian, and certified Sigma Male from Lake Oswego. He frequently contributes content to Mr. Skin and is highly active on 4chan. He can no longer be reached at iancel@xmag.com, but you will likely see him on the sidewalk in front of Big Pink, with a cardboard sign that reads “will write for lube.”
