Terrible Toothpaste

Terrible Toothpaste

Oral hygiene is important. We, for the most part, all brush and floss and use mouthwash regularly. However, let us consider the world of toothpaste. They make special toothpaste for the kids, which is flavored in various ways (Crest Sparkle Motion, anyone? Man, I miss the '90s sometimes), and those for adults, which are bland and functional, and those organic toothpastes, which do jack shit and cost ten bucks. That said, we're going to dive into a realm of what the worst possible toothpastes might have to offer. Buckle up, because apart from a few real-life examples, we're digging deep into what could be, but definitely what should never be.

Truly, the bouquet of aroma you want wafting out of your mouth. Thousands of inebriated music fans exploding inside a single plastic venue not meant to handle that sort of volume, now in convenient plaque-fighting form. Definitely the best way to wake up. The only worse way is Folgers.

Yes. Horse farts. I'm not entirely sure how one might synthesize such a thing, but it most certainly would be up there in the realm of the worst possible flavors. Now, if you've never experienced a horse farting, I can only say it is a profound experience. Horse butt cheeks flapping, as they trot around and produce an odor that would floor any normal person. Dunno how the cowboys deal, but they're a strong breed of humans, with an extreme tolerance for gaseous horse effluent.

This is a classic and robust flavor combination. Two members of the allium genus for plants that will have your teeth ripe with savory smells. In addition to your oral health, this will ensure you don't trouble your co-workers with coffee breath, but rather leave them with a whole new wonder of cleanliness and a mouth redolent of an Italian kitchen! Mama mia!

As duly hygienic people, we choose to put our best face forward. In this case, with the simple, clean taste of shrimp. As we know, shrimp are known for their healthy qualities and contain many helpful things, such as high protein and significant essential nutrients, including selenium and iodine, which benefit everyone by improving immune function and thyroid health, but are oddly more helpful to women than men. Certainly, shrimp toothpaste would be a best-seller.

The benefits of eating hot peppers have been studied extensively. Apparently, the hotter the pepper, the more good it does for your heart health, pain relief, and lower cancer risk. Let us fold that into our toothpaste and reap the benefits of clean tooths and several minutes of drinking milk to dull the fire, which is good for your bones. This one has it all!

For all the animal lovers out there, we know our furry fuzzbutts do not exactly use Listerine. Have you ever tried to brush a dog's teeth? It's an endeavor of madness. So, if you can't beat 'em, join 'em. The dog's breath toothpaste comes in wet food or dry food* flavors.

Who the hell decided toothpaste should taste like Hot Tamales? Well, Close-Up did. Feels like you're brushing your teeth with cinnamon bears. You come out of the experience with one thought: "Was this actually good for me?" because it doesn't taste like it. Please do us all a favor and stick to mint flavors.

The clean-smelling laundry detergent, now in toothpaste form. Truly, the way to go, as now your mouth can smell like clean clothes. They say you must dress for success, but they don't mention that your mouth can, too!

Ah, the classic taste of a good Cuban rubusto. The smoke rolls around your mouth while you play poker in a seedy, illegal casino. Well, what if you could bring that flavor home and have it clean your teeth? That's basically the opposite of smoking a cigar, but with the same taste, and no tobacco bits stuck in your mouth!

Anus. That is all. Pretty cheeky, if you ask me.

This is the actual name for the weird, diaper-looking loincloths that Sumo wrestlers wear. Given that Sumo are revered in Japan as great celebrities, I feel as though we could expand the market into the East. After all, who wouldn't want to brush their teeth with the flavor of the Yokozuna's loincloth?

People who have drug habits like meth, well, they are not known for having great teeth. Meth mouth is a thing. But if we made a toothpaste that tasted like meth, but had good fluoride and anti-cavity properties, maybe we could stave off the rotten dentition of the people who use such drugs. I mean, we still have to put up with them, but we do that anyhow, and could do so better with them having fresher breath while they poorly try to shoplift from WinCo.

Surely, this candy, which is, I'm pretty sure, made of some kind of plastic, could be made into a delightful toothpaste. With the red and the plastic, this would be an absolute hit! An iconic candy flavor, coupled with the thing to help if you eat too many, and you have the red crud stuck in your teeth. This could also work with Red Vines, but those are just sugar and flour, whereas Twizzlers were invented by a mad scientist, disciplined in the dark candy arts.

Sent from hell by the devil himself. Black licorice toothpaste would deploy consternation to the senses and dazzle your brain with suggestions to slip into madness. This would be what serial killers would brush their teeth with.

That's my list, so brush well, but not with any of those. Additionally, you Close-Up people, are nuts.

Have good oral health,

-Wombstretcha

*As a kid, I ate the dog's dry food once. It tasted like Oaty-Os, which are (were?) the generic Cheerios you'd get in the big sack on the bottom shelf of the cereal aisle.

Wombstretcha the Magnificent is a toothbrush owner, unapologetic black licorice hater, Twizzler fan, writer, and retired rapper from Portland, OR. He can be found at his website, Wombstretcha.com, on Twitter/X/whatever as @Wombstretcha503, and on MeWe and (begrudgingly) Facebook, as "Wombstretcha the Magnificent."