As stated before, I'm here to make you, the stripper, money. Last month, I spent two pages telling strippers to cater their music to the crowd. This month, I'm proposing a controversial, problematic, patriarchy-infused, I-thought-he-was-one-of-the-good-ones, can't-believe-we-fucked-in-2013 take: the market determines your income, and it's made up of people who might not find you attractive, so you should focus on finding out how to navigate the preferences of the average customer.
I expect backlash. CashApp me ($RayRaysPhone) with a message, and I will reply with an apology, depending on the amount sent.
Rule 2: Get In Where You (Literally) Fit in
Personally speaking, I'm not a fan of mainstream preferences. I earned my DJ chops in goth/industrial clubs, playing goth/industrial bands. If you aren't familiar with the genre, it makes Nine Inch Nails seem like pop music—dark, drab, grinding rhythms, with abrasive effects and haunting vocals. Industrial (especially the earlier stuff) is raw nightmare fuel, and only a small portion of the population enjoys it. To fans of the genre, I would be considered a good DJ. However, if I landed a gig at a popular, mainstream nightclub and then decided to throw on some Sleep Chamber or Skinny Puppy, I would likely never be invited back (personal apologies to the Sorensen wedding). So, even as someone who appreciates the spookier side of Spotify, I understand that if I'm DJ'ing at a mainstream club, the crowd will usually appreciate mainstream music. I'm not there to lecture anyone about their tastes, convince techno fans to give KMFDM a chance, or inform hip-hop heads about the influence of Kraftwerk on early rap. In other words, it's not about my own personal musical tastes, but rather, my professional ability to provide the club with services that justify my fee. If I want to show off my goth/industrial skills, I do so at a goth/industrial club (shout out to Hive for being the longest-running night of said genre in Portland).
At a mainstream nightclub, I don't get to determine what kind of music the crowd appreciates. On the same, exact, specific, barely-an-analogy, literally-the-truth token, customers at the strip club have their own preferences where physical attractiveness and body type are concerned, and you, the stripper, do not get to dictate what your customers find attractive. Whether the fault of basic biological instincts, societal norms, or the internet for convincing men to have a type, there is a universal understanding of what straight dudes (and gay dudes, straight girls, lesbians, and everyone else, for that matter) find attractive. As a stripper, it would behoove you to acknowledge that you cannot change this.
While emotionally comforting and academically justified, the idea that some grand council of evil men determines what males find attractive is an entirely false assumption. When we talk about “beauty standards,” it's easy to attribute said standards to societal norms. Sadly, this is simply not the case, and it's notably ironic that a lot of the same folks who insist that attraction is a choice (determined in part by advertisements and politicians) don't realize that only a couple of decades ago, the phrase “you cannot choose who you are attracted to” was a progressive concept. “Men should unlearn their attraction to [insert Playmate of the Year archetype here]” is no different than pastors who think conversion therapy works on gay dudes. There are hundreds of studies that have demonstrated that, cross-culturally, from Kenya to Seattle, from the era of cavemen to NFTs, straight males of all races, ages, and backgrounds find the same demographic of women (early 20s) to be the most attractive (meaning 22-25 years old, not women from the 1920s). Aside from age, qualities like symmetry and “visible signs of fertility” (read: perky, healthy, etc.) are also commonly shared signs of attractiveness. Literally every beauty product and cosmetic procedure on the market serves to mimic hive-brain signifiers of fertility. And, to us guys, this almost feels like sorcery. Attraction is not a choice. Men's brains are not, in any way, attached to our genitals. If I could make a conscious decision to find wealthy, retired women in their 80s attractive, your boy would be living in a mansion right now. Hell, most men would be dating other men. But, we can't, so we spend money we don't have on women we shouldn't respect, simply because “booty tight, nice smile, round chest.” If I had a dollar for every bad idea on paper I took to bed because my lower half told me to, I'd be debt-free.
At this point in the article, if you are a more progressive dancer, I'd be surprised if you weren't a bit agitated, assuming I'm about to go into some rant about how fat girls in their fifties shouldn't strip. However, before you crumple up the pages of this magazine (and/or website, depending on where you're reading it), please back up to the point I made in the first paragraph—as a professional DJ, my ideal genre of music is one that very few people appreciate. However, among the people who appreciate it, they absolutely fucking love it. Just because the mainstream doesn't appreciate something doesn't mean it's not good—in fact, the more flavor or spice something has, the less likely it is to be absorbed by the masses, while still being the favorite selection among a specific demographic. Not a lot of people like goth/industrial music, but when I DJ goth/industrial nights, I can always expect a loyal handful of dedicated enthusiasts to be at the club. This is where the mainstream fails, because things may be hot one year and dead the next. But, sadly, the mainstream audience will always be the largest at any given moment in time. Do people still listen to the clap-stomp mustached irony of the barn hipster variety? I hope not. But for a few months in 2018, you could fill a dance floor with that god-awful Edward Sharpe song about Alabama being located somewhere in Arkansas. So, at that moment in time, it was beneficial to pander to the faux-lk genre. Sadly, however, the “mainstream” preferences of most men have not changed since 420 B.C.
Still, the masses dominate in numbers, but the off-genres dominate in dedication. Think of food. You've got mainstream burgers and tacos and whatnot, but then you have that dumpy little Thai food place in the strip mall that hasn't passed a health inspection since Bush was in office. It doesn't try to compete with McDonald's. It doesn't blame the Trump administration for slow days. It won't make passive-aggressive comments on social media about how Panda Express is ruining society. Instead, it just stays in its own lane and caters to a loyal crowd that appreciates sketchy Thai food (including yours truly—also, it's called Thai Dish, and it's located in Silverton on the main drag). And for those of us who appreciate it, there's no alternative. We will ride until we die (guessing ten, maybe twenty years tops for the owner, so give the place a try...I prefer the orange chicken). Back to the lecture at hand, the vast majority of mainstream strip club clientele appreciates the same thing: hot, young, symmetrical girls who could pose for Playboy, back when it was a legitimate publication. I'm not saying to quit your job as a stripper if you're not built like a cheerleader. What I'm saying is, accept and embrace that cheerleaders hold a monopoly on the frat boys.
So, what do you do as a larger, older, unique-looking, bit-too-tall, shaved-head-to-get-back-at-the-ex, over-the-hill dancer who likes disco music and hates societal beauty standards? Find your lane and own that shit. Do not get mad if regulars at your club aren't throwing money at you. Instead, find a club where customers throw money at girls like you. There is an audience for absolutely every type of dancer, but only if you find said audience. If you're a purple-haired anarcho-whatever dancing at Mainstream Mike's on Blonde Bikini Car Wash Night, don't be surprised if your tips aren't the same as Sorority Sister Sarah's. Instead, find a club with regulars who appreciate your genre. There are roughly 6,700 strip clubs in Portland. Find one where you shine.
Book yourself like a goth/industrial DJ. Find where your niche is appreciated, and get in.
Or (and possibly in addition to the above), consider what steps you can take to appeal to “tHe MaLe GaZe” (that pesky thing responsible for the survival of our species). Grow the hair back out (he doesn't even look at your stories). Lose some weight. Dial back the “fuck you, dad” piercings, and begin to resemble the girl your ex cheated on you with. Trust me, it's gonna be tough for a bit, but I'm speaking as someone who has learned to play Creed and Taylor Swift at DJ gigs. Does it kill me a bit on the inside? You bet. But, do you know who really appreciates it? My wallet. I can't pay my rent by saying “...actually, bro, this band inspired the one you just requested.” I pay my rent on small town girls, lonely worlds, and drunk Caucasians. Whether. Or. Not. I. Like. It. However, when I want to blast Sisters of Mercy at full volume, I book a goth/industrial club—somewhere that would kick me out if I played to the mainstream crowd.
We all have a lane, but it might not be on the freeway.
Exceptions to the rule always exist. The most popular rapper of the last twenty years is a white kid from a trailer park. Black Republicans run rampant on Twitter. I'm in my mid-40s and get away with saying “6, 7” (like I even know what it means). You don't have to measure up to mainstream beauty standards to be a successful stripper. But by acknowledging they exist, you will do yourself a huge favor.
I've had several dancers tell me that they failed to make money because the crowd “didn't appreciate them.” No, honey—you didn't appreciate the crowd.
If you need any further proof, take a look at any porn site's list of categories. Mainstream preferences will dominate the list (blonde, big tits, knows where she wants to fucking eat before getting in the car, girl-girl, etc.), but there's still plenty of room for “mature” or “trans” or “Asian but not the regular kind I mean more like the North Korea kind but I don't want to be on a list so label it as just Asian” or “redhead.” Alternative tastes have dedicated crowds. This is why Juggalos have outlasted Dave Matthews Band fans.
There are more strip clubs in Portland than there are black guys who like Radiohead, and Portland is the capital of black guys who like Radiohead, so there is a club for every type. If you have a tattoo of a steak, don't dance at Casa Diablo, go with Acrop. If you have a tattoo that says “Vegan 4 Life,” don't dance at Acrop—go to Casa Diablo. If you're gender queer, Bob's Sports & Snatch might not be your market, but you will make bank at the Kit-N-Kaboodle night at Kit Kat Club. If you're missing a leg, get a time machine and go to Beaver's Inn on 82nd. Portland may not be L.A. huge, but it's a giant black dot on a Google map, and there's a venue for absolutely every genre of stripper.
All I'm saying is that you've got limited time in this industry, so find a way to celebrate whatever your body type is without banging your head against the evolutionary-biology wall. Trust me, as a middle-aged, self-identified Juggalo DJ with man boobs and a video game collection, I'm not exactly lining up to compete in Who Wants to Fuck an Optimal Adult Male. However, I've learned to find what type of women appreciate a guy like me (absent father, in recovery for substances, bad sense of humor), and I'm currently happier than I've ever been.
TalesFromTheDJBooth.com / @RainmanMcMillin on IG / I don't check Facebook.
