As stated before, I'm here to make you, the stripper, money. Last month, I spent two pages telling strippers to cater their music to the crowd. This month, I'm proposing a controversial, problematic, patriarchy-infused, I-thought-he-was-one-of-the-good-ones, can't-believe-we-fucked-in-2013 take: the market determines your income, and it's made up of people who might not find you attractive, so you should focus on finding out how to navigate the preferences of the average customer...

It’s a well-known fact that the first Alien movie isn’t considered a science fiction film, so much as it is a horror film. But did you know that the entire Alien series is also a romcom? If you search your feelings, you’ll know it to be the truth. Now, I’m talking about the original Alien films, not the ones with Michael Fassbender as everyone’s favorite, lovable android duo, Walter and David. Those films had obvious romantic storylines involved. But the original films might be something you didn’t actively consider as a romcom until you read it in this article. You’re thinking, “absolutely not, where is this coming from? You’re just trying to write something for Valentine’s Day.” Well, part of that is true, but the other part is something I’ll just have to prove to you. And I plan to, in the upcoming list of films you probably never considered as romance films. Starting with the aforementioned...

For this next joke, I was seeing some friends perform at Mississippi Studios. A few songs in, they asked the audience for a show of hands as to who heard about the show from the posters they printed and plastered all over town. One hand shot up—just one. The singer laughed and gave the sole respondent shit, because he lived with the singer.

You would probably also think that folks living with musicians would be well aware of their roommates’ upcoming recitals, particularly at such a prestigious venue. You would be wrong. There is no one who cares less about a local musician’s dalliances than the folks living or dating them.

But I digress...

Drugs. We all kinda have to appreciate them. They can cure illness, treat conditions, or clear up that rash on your anus. That said, they can also get you high as fuck, and so far out of your head you might as well be living on a whole different planet. Many people throughout history have been into getting loaded, but mostly, they're not people of note. However, there have been a great deal of people in positions of significant power, who did enjoy gettin’ lifted. Kings, queens, nobles, and dignitaries. People whose affairs were well documented, unlike Steve, who lives down the street and has been stoned since he was 13, but didn’t keep records. Yes, elites have always pushed boundaries, because what are you exactly going to do about it? "My King, perhaps you shouldn't be getting high before you receive the Queen of the Netherlands?" "Appreciate your counsel, Reginald, but I am totally hooting this pipe."

Sorted in no particular order....