For this next joke, I was seeing some friends perform at Mississippi Studios. A few songs in, they asked the audience for a show of hands as to who heard about the show from the posters they printed and plastered all over town. One hand shot up—just one. The singer laughed and gave the sole respondent shit, because he lived with the singer.
You would probably also think that folks living with musicians would be well aware of their roommates’ upcoming recitals, particularly at such a prestigious venue. You would be wrong. There is no one who cares less about a local musician’s dalliances than the folks living or dating them.
But I digress.
Although the singer played it for laughs, I’m sure they were flabbergasted at the utter waste of time, paper, and money it took to print out the bazillion or so posters I saw plastered over every telephone pole from the venue to the uncivilized borderlands past 82nd Avenue.
To be fair, I’m sure a bunch of people in the audience saw this poster. They just saw it online...the telephone pole for the digital age.
It begs the question of whether or not physical posters are even necessary anymore. There were a lot of people at that show. Really? Not one of them was made aware of this show from a poster in a record store or a grocery co-op?
To be clear, I love the art of local band posters, ever since I was first made aware of them as a teen in the Bay Area. Especially for punk shows, where poster art was integral to the scene. Bands trying to one-up each other with the cleverness of the obscure tv show or movie still used for the background. Great stuff.
Great, but obsolete.
We are losing the world’s forests at a record pace. Based on current events and who’s in charge in the places that count, that’s unlikely to change. The waste of paper is no longer tenable. I’m sure those poor, tired record shop owners and baristas are sick of you asking them, yet again, if you can leave a stack of fliers on their counter. A stack that no one will touch. A stack they’ll have to throw away the day after the show. Plus, our cities’ telephone poles have had enough. Just look at those staple graveyards. It’s a horrible site.
Here are four new, effective, and environmentally friendly ways to spread the word about your show.
A poster, whether on a telephone or someone’s social media feed, is passive. You need to actively tell people about your show. By calling them! On the telephone! Hard data and rigorous research have shown that people—especially young people—love getting phone calls. Also, you can use this trick that the boomers won’t shut up about. A phone tree! After you call an unsuspecting victim (cough) friend and regale them with details about your upcoming performance, tell them to call three of their friends with the same info. It’ll spread like wildfire, see, and then everyone in town will know about your show at the local dive bar.
See, the problem is, your little poster is on things that people don’t look at: telephone poles, the window of a coffee shop, the counter at Guitar Center. But you know where every eyeball in town is looking at? That’s right, your local newspaper! That money you’re spending on ink and paper to print out a bunch of little fliers and posters...why not just put that money towards buying an ad in a medium that is not dying at all, no sir. The very periodical you’re reading right now sells ad space. On the cheap! Give them a call, put that cute little poster somewhere people will actually see it!
Speaking of things that people in this sad city look at all day...the many fine pairs of tits we have to offer! Ya see, people are only gonna go to your show if they think there’s something in it for them. The only reason The Strokes took off was because Julian Casablancas’s dad ran a modeling agency and literally paid girls to attend their early gigs. Word spread, and soon everyone wanted to check out this new band, where there were tons of hot chicks to hit on. So, aspiring little rock star, spend that money you were gonna spend on killing trees on your local flesh peddler, so they can tell their customers about your show. These poor gals are constantly being asked “what they’re doing after work” by patrons. I think for some extra cash, they can lie and say they’re gonna be at their new favorite local band’s show. The strippers don’t even need to show up! Just tell their customers. Now, your show is gonna be jam-packed. Jam-packed with sad rubes, yes, but jam-packed nonetheless!
And finally, and here’s the thing you should actually do to spread the word about your band’s next appearance:
Literally no one cares about your show at the local dive bar, and they never will. Please stop bothering your friends and coworkers, and the poor grad students at the coffee shop, desperately trying to study to secure the financial stability you will never know. Just text your circle of degenerates and be grateful if any of them come. Them, plus the members of the other bands playing, is the only audience you’ll ever know. Get used to it.
