Drugs. We all kinda have to appreciate them. They can cure illness, treat conditions, or clear up that rash on your anus. That said, they can also get you high as fuck, and so far out of your head you might as well be living on a whole different planet. Many people throughout history have been into getting loaded, but mostly, they're not people of note. However, there have been a great deal of people in positions of significant power, who did enjoy gettin’ lifted. Kings, queens, nobles, and dignitaries. People whose affairs were well documented, unlike Steve, who lives down the street and has been stoned since he was 13, but didn’t keep records. Yes, elites have always pushed boundaries, because what are you exactly going to do about it? "My King, perhaps you shouldn't be getting high before you receive the Queen of the Netherlands?" "Appreciate your counsel, Reginald, but I am totally hooting this pipe."
Sorted in no particular order.
Okay, yes, she unified Spain and funded a voyage for an Italian who thought he was going to Asia, but got waylaid by finding this whole new continent. "Yeah, this is Asia, fellas." "Those people approaching us do not look like Asians." "What do you know about Asians, man? Maybe they just look like that?" "Have you ever even been to Asia?" "I...think so." The queen was fairly pleased when Columbus returned and said he found some totally cool shit, and claimed it in the name of Spain. But she was high as fuck, so who even knows? "Oh, a new world, you say? Well then, thanks, I think. I have to return to my, uh, duties, yeah, that's it." She had her tea made with opium. A lot of opium, and she drank it pretty much all day. Oh, and she also liked weed. Yup, good ol' Mary Jane, like modern people consume.
I can't name a single person I know who uses opium, but I know a shitload of people who like marijuana. In addition to that, she also drank a distillation of mandrake root every day. What is mandrake root? Well, it's a highly toxic plant that makes you hallucinate and might possibly kill you. As the root resembles the shape of a human, they thought it screamed when picked. She was okay with this, and so basically, when she went into diplomatic negotiations with other countries, she was seeing shit which did not exist, and yet managed to carry on all the same. She also used a plant called henbane. Henbane is another plant that people should not be consuming. It is full of psychoactive alkaloids and causes severe hallucinations, if it doesn't kill you. I can't even imagine being, say, the king of France, and then discussing alliances and realizing you are talking to someone who is gacked out of her gourd.
You know that when people refer to you as "the bad," you probably earned that. That said, he didn't get that nickname because he was some kind of evil king; he was fairly nice, but he got the moniker because he made really dumb decisions. He's "the bad" because he did a bad job. While high. You see, Charles here was a firm believer in alchemy. Alchemy was what they sort of thought science was supposed to be in medieval times. He kept a council of alchemists, who were saying to themselves, "Well, the King is stressed, let's make him a potion with opium and hallucinogenic plants! That'll do the trick!" They also managed to get him some sort of inhalable powder, not cocaine, because they didn't even know what an America was, let alone a South America. It's not really known what that powder was, but after he took it, he tried to negotiate an alliance with a rug on his wall.
This guy started out as the king of Sicily. Then he was the king of Germany. Then he was the king of Italy.
Then he was apparently the King of Jerusalem. Eventually, the world said "fuck it," and he was the Holy Roman Emperor. The Holy Roman Empire was neither holy, nor Roman, nor an empire, but people just called it that. He was big on drugs. He wanted to be the best damn emperor that he could be. So, what did he do? Why, he surrounded himself with scholars and so-called physicians, who would make him all sorts of potions, tonics, and tinctures.
He even imported people from the Islamic countries because "they gud," and had them all put to work making him potions, studying astronomy, and learning mathematics. Hope those guys got paid well. He was a fan of "aromatic resins," which were basically just hashish, "inhale the smoke, my King," and "herbal vapors," which were used by Arabian doctors to sedate patients. It did not sedate him. It made him really high and talkative, though. He was a very large enthusiast of being high as fuck all the time. He'd start his day with a "healthy" potion of who knows what, and he would have private conversations with angels, which made his advisors quite nervous. He died at the ripe old age of 55, after four wives, one being Isabella the Second. Apparently, he wanted a wife to do drugs with. He also wrote down records of his tripping. Fucker totally was watching his bath towels breathe, and decided to make it a public memo of record.
The wife of Justinian 2, the actual Roman emperor. She was kinda a ho. She'd put on performances where she would let birds eat seeds off her naked body. At a point in time, she was to visit a notable political figure, and decided to just strip down to nudity for fun. I can sort of get behind that, but I have no idea what Justinian 2 thought of it. Probably something like "Aw, she's doing that again." She was known to "burn incense," and what that meant at the time was not the stuff your witchy aunt sets ablaze, but blue lotus resin. Sounds pretty bland, but it is actually a very potent hallucinogen, which was infused with opium. She had it burning in every room at all times. She also used cannabis oils when she was deep in prayer to the gods. Suffice it to say, she was quite high. She was not smoking it, but when it burns in every room to the point that the priests think the gods are talking to them, maybe take a break.
However, she did not. MORE INCENSE! So, I guess, basically everyone in her palace was just absolutely lit.
So it's not just your uncle Carl who was constantly focused on getting high. Many nobles, kings, queens, and other such folks in the past were quite about it. Boundless power and money apparently make your daily intoxication regimen completely acceptable.
Stay healthy, friends.
-Wombstretcha
Wombstretcha the Magnificent is not of noble birth, but is a hashish toilet puck enthusiast, Twizzler fan, writer, and retired rapper from Portland, OR. He can be found at his website, wombstretcha.com, on Twitter/X/whatever as @wombstretcha503, on MeWe, and (begrudgingly) Facebook, as "Wombstretcha the Magnificent."
