As opposed to drag queens, DJs, writers, or anyone else who uses a funny name in place of their government title, strippers have stage names for reasons that extend beyond playing a part or acting a character—mainly anonymity and personal safety. While you're never going to meet a drag queen whose real name is John and just goes by “Jane” at work (it's gonna be something more glamorous or showy, like “Statutory Rachel” or “Sharon Needles”), it is common to meet strippers who introduce themselves as “Jenna” or “Crystal” like it's a normal name. It's okay for one's onstage persona to simply be “cute girl, naked variety, fake alias,” and you don't even need a costume (although it doesn't hurt). The real reason you, the Google-able, real-life woman who posts ten IG stories an hour with GPS turned on, need a fake name is to separate your at-work life from the one you live when you're fully clothed. The rule of “Use a Fake Name to Keep Creepy Dudes From Stalking You” does not appear in my list of rules, because it's common fucking sense. That said, it's not just your identity and address that you, the stripper who sells a fantasy, need to protect. The rest of your personal life needs to be treated with the same degree of separation as your name.
As a stripper with money on her mind, you should be selling a fantasy, not just in the “This girl wouldn't normally talk to me outside the club” sense, but in the “This isn't real and I didn't just go back to the ATM for the tenth time” sense. Strip clubs don't lack windows for privacy; they lack windows for the same reason casinos lack windows—if people don't know what time it is, or that the outside world even exists, they are much more likely to spend like it. This is why, even if you had the worst day imaginable, you don't tell your customer about it. If you get into a wreck on the way to work and end up in a neck brace, make up a story about how it happened (something silly, like how you fell out of the bunk bed when having a pillow fight with your sorority sisters), and ask your customers if it makes you look cute.
Leaving your personal life at home includes (but is not limited to) relationship status, relationship drama, roommate drama, roommate status, political opinions that do not appear on bumper stickers, political opinions that do appear on bumper stickers, attitudes on divisive topics, attitudes on boring topics, attitudes in general (including, but not limited to, financial, emotional or personal inconveniences, whether minor or major), favorite sports teams, favorite cereals, opinions on Israel, Palestine, Sydney Sweeney, or Sydney Sweeney's supposed ties to Israel.
Unless you hate money, your opinion on [insert issue] is two giggles and an “I don't really watch the news, wanna get a dance and take your mind off of things?”
Now, I am not, by any means, telling strippers not to kiss ass while showing it. If the literal Trail Blazers walk in, yes, say you're a Blazers fan (unless the Lakers also walk in, in which case go back to being clueless about sports). But if table one is MAGA hats and table two is brown-yellow beanie hats, you can make both of them happy over the course of the evening by being an escape from (not a confirmation of) real life. You can still play to the crowd without breaking the fantasy-versus-actual-Tuesday-in-Gresham barrier. Tell the contractor guys that you like their boots, and tell the food cart workers' union that you like their tattoos. Then. Sell. A. Dance. Oregon is a politically purple state, so if someone asks if you're a Republican or Democrat, ask them if they like Prince, and which Prince song they'd pick for a dance. The last thing you, the escape-from-real-life, want to do is cost yourself time (money) by reminding customers that a world exists outside of the Bedazzled Capybara Lounge.
Aside from divisive topics like politics or sports, you are also in charge of not being a real person outside of the club. Don't whine about bills. Don't sell your art at the stage. Don't add customers on your personal social media pages. If asked what you're doing after the club, you're doing “...something naughty, I'll tell you about it next time we meet.” If asked what you did before the club, you showered with three other girls and ate a salad for dinner. If asked what you're into, you really like “fun.” Be as boring as you can, while still being extremely flirtatious. Go full Dutch Bros and keep the anarchist coffee shop talk for outside of work.
Don't worry about your actual interests, just make some up. At least where straight dudes are concerned, there are two types of men: men who say they care about your interests, and men who aren't fucking liars. The last successful relationship I had was with a woman whose biggest interests at the time were Alcoholics Anonymous meetings and outdoor festivals where people didn't fight. I'm Irish. Again, we dated for several years and are still friends. If you're cute, half-naked, and showing a dude attention, he will pretend to like whatever bullshit you say you're into, so don't tell him about the bullshit you're actually into. Hell, make it a game. Pretend to like things you don't, just to see how far horny men will take the Agree-A-Train into Tittieland. I've gone so far as pretending to like Coldplay in order to get laid. I even looked up the name of that song, “Mellow,” just to look like I was being honest.
Honesty is only a factor when turning in your ones to the bartender, tipping out the staff, and letting security know if you've had too much to drink and need a cab. Otherwise, it has absolutely no place in the strip club. So, take it a few steps further. Adopt a persona, whether that's an exaggerated version of an alter ego (shout out to the BJ McNaughty types who go full character), or just a complete bullshit backstory that helps you sell more tips (you never learned to read and were raised by a pack of horny wolves, before escaping to Portland to start a unicorn farm). The dude telling you he owns a startup doesn't own a startup. It's okay to take his “startup” money without doxing yourself or reminding him that SwagCoin isn't a real startup.
[SAME FOOTER AS PRIOR MONTHS]
