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One night, a date and I are in a nightclub when a woman with the pneumatic breasts of Jenna Jameson walks by. After spending a fraction of a second taking in the sight, my date jumps on my case. “Oh, I’ll bet you think she’s cute, don’t you? Well let me tell you something mister, those are not her real tits, they are fake. She bought those; those are fake tits!” I didn’t do the right thing; I didn’t lie. Instead, I said, “Really? Well give me a second before we go out on the dance floor, hon, I need to do some push-ups to get rid of this fake boner.”

As I said, I handled things badly. I know now that when women are asking “those kinds of questions,” lying is not only the best policy, it’s the only policy. If a man is lying to impress or flatter a woman, then any and all lying is not only forgiven but absolutely demanded. “But when a guy hands you an obvious line of horseshit,” I say to one female friend, “hoping you’ll fall for it and let him into your pants, doesn’t that offend you?”

“Of course not!” comes the reply. “It’s kind of sweet. You know he’s telling you what you want to hear, but it’s important to know that he’s aware of what you want to hear and is willing to do anything to please you.”

“If someone really cares about you, he’ll lie through his teeth to you.”


The point, guys, is clearly not whether to lie, but rather when and how. Here are some helpful rules of thumb:

OK to tell the truth about:

Politics, religion, finances, personal health, family history, personal history (except dating-see below). Generally, any time there is data involved which does not directly apply to her, the truth is expected.

You absolutely MUST lie about:

a. Any question regarding her appearance (always favorable)

b. Others’ appearance: always unfavorable, unless the other is a close friend or sister of hers. You have the option of lying about how attractive one of these women is, providing there’s no weird jealousy vibe or rivalry going on, or you think your girlfriend might interpret your comment as a statement that you think the friend is prettier, or...hell, play it safe and lie.

c. Your feelings as they relate to her. You find it adorable the way she looks like an otter in a coma when she wakes up in the morning. Her singing sends chills up and down your spine. You have never noticed the existence of other women since you started seeing her. In fact, you’ve got a private investigator out right now looking for your mother, as you haven’t caught a glimpse of her in ages. You get the picture.

d. Your past. As far as she knows, you’ve had several serious lasting relationships, but with women who weren’t fit to polish her shoes, women you now recognize as the misshapen idiots they really are. After one or two of these, you gave up and had no interest whatsoever in any woman until you met her.

You may think I’m being a bit severe here guys, but remember these words well: no one ever got dumped because he spoke too highly of a woman to her face. Imitation isn’t the most sincere form of flattery, disinformation is.

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