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xmag.com : March 2000 : Sex Me

Sex Me by Teresa Dulce

So what is it about shaking booty for cash and trying to keep a personal relationship at the same time? On a good day, there is nothing more affirming on the love angle than working your sexual persona for customers. 'Specially if you're in the business; a girl could break her arm swatting the flies in a strip joint. It makes coming home so much more valuable 'cause your personal lover knows you want to be there and it ain't no show. It is so obvious to me that the side of my brain that caters to customers has nothing to do with the love side for a partner. Not surprisingly, I've applied a few moves and sounds learned at the job site to sparkle up true lovin'.

"If someone can't handle the fact I'm a sex working mama, then they aren't in a relationship with me." Teresa Dulce, angry female.

'If someone can't handle the fact I'm a sex working mama, they aren't in a relationship with me.:

I want to find someone who I can really talk to, have great sex with, take out in public, travel with, do nothing with, and who gives my family and friends the benefit of the doubt and loves me unconditionally even when I fuck up in a big way every once in a while. And as if that weren't a tall enough bill on its own, there must be no headaches about me sex working.

I'm too busy bending over for dollars, dealing with neighbors and fighting the Man to come home to an issue-riddled discussion about my job. The person who lands in front of me who wants a real relationship with me has to have that special DNA micro-chip in the brain that was wired and installed before I came to the scene. None of this jealousy crap. None of this quit your job if you really love me. Sod off; I quit my job when I'm ready to quit.

And when I do think I've landed a personal honey, I give it all up. All of me. 'Cause adult entertainers need love too. It's an outright lie we aren't capable of love and sex without financial compensation. We deserve high quality love and sex a much as the next girl, and if sex work made me crazy, then I just have to take that much more time to find my match.

I don't wanna settle for less. It drives me nuts when I work with a girl who gets abused by her personal lover because I know there are so many people out there who would love to love her without being an asshole. I got lucky; mom and dad never hit each other and that has been my standard since I was little. So if a partner doesn't abuse me, should I consider myself lucky? I consider that a given. And if a partner accepts what I do for a living, really accepts, is that another bonus point?

Say I beat the incredible odds and find someone who doesn't have issues with my sex work, do I hang on even if we aren't compatible in other areas of a relationship? I ponder...my friend has herpes and she's honest with her potential lovers about it. So this one guy tells her it's nothing to him, let the lovin' begin. It occurred to her she didn't want this guy after all...but he didn't care about her STD and he was into sexing her. Damn. What to do? Do you settle for a B- and wait for that solid A? Am I an ungrateful bitch and lose out from a little bit of kinda happiness because my standards are (too) high? I do think that seemingly impossible love is possible. Then again, I'm still young and want to believe, so check in with me after my beauty fades and energy declines. Even when my beauty does fade, I guess I'll have to rely on my intelligence and personality. But I can be a smart ass now. And though it sucks to admit it when I can't attract a person, it sucks more to think that they may not be giving themselves a chance to know me. But I'm holding out. Today, I'm holding out.

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