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August 2000 Columns
xmag.com : August 2000 : Girl Trouble

Girl Trouble - a monthly column by Rex Breathes

“Whole Lotta Tongue”

A friend informed me recently that monkeys in Indonesia have learned how to shoplift supermarkets. Robbing the store--of bananas, broccoli and beer, no doubt--has become a team effort made possible when the monkeys figured out what shopping bags are for . . . to carry off groceries. Reportedly, one monkey will enter the store and create a major disturbance; one would think that just seeing a monkey walk into a store would be disturbing enough. But this is, afterall, Indonesia, so something more is needed--like running into the feminine hygiene section, tearing into the tampons and walking around the store with one sticking out of your monkey face like a "heavy days" cigar. At any rate, the means of distraction is unimportant to the monkeys. What matters is the rest of the marauding monkeys running into the store and doing their best thirty second shopping spree imitation, loading as much easily consumed fruits, vegetables and beverages into their shopping bags as possible, then fleeing out the front door and into the forests beyond.

Up until this dramatic change of events, the monkeys and the Indonesians had reached a kind of uneasy truce.The people won't go into monkeyland and shake them out of their trees, and the monkeys won't run shrieking into peoples bedrooms late at night. Till some bright monkey got the idea, 'hey, these shopping bags are great for carrying bananas.' Now it's a war.

Which brings me to the brightest monkeys up on Pill Hill in Portland (Oregon Health Sciences University) who have discovered "female sexual response is more complicated than the simple mechanics of male arousal." That's right, according to the Oregonian. And it probably took a mid-six-figures research grant from a major pharmaceutical company to come to that conclusion. You see, what happened is this: following the Indonesian monkey analogy, men and women had agreed to a kind of uneasy truce in the bedroom. Men won't venture up into the murky dark rainforest of female sexuality, where God only knows what bizarre, pagan rites and sacrifices go on. By the same token, women have agreed, for the most part, to let men do their shopping in the supermarket of dick jerk sexual response from blow-up dolls and porno to prostitutes. Then Viagra came along and shot that detente all to hell like a giant ABM missile. Just like the monkeys got jealous of supermarket convenience, so too the women wanted to load up their shopping bags with sexual stimulants. I mean, if a pill can make Harold jerk-off to a computer screen all night long, just think what it would do for me and my romance novels, or the hunky neighbor down the street, or my friend Sally at the gym and the way she looks wearing a sports bra and a good sweat.

[Image: Eros]Pharmaceutical Giants found out about the women, ready to venture out of their prehistoric sexual forest and demand wet pussies and instant orgasms followed by centuries-long afterglows with the ingestion of a pill. So the race was on to do for women what many (most) men have failed to provide: desire and orgasm. So far, the shopping bags are only loaded down with research, development and trial booty. And I must say, some of the things they've come up with can't possibly be meant as more than a major distraction, while their colleagues loot and plunder. Like the Eros (tm) sexual aid for women--the first medical device for female sexual dysfunction. Remember the advent of the Acujack pumps and pistons for improving the male penis? Well, that's about all this Eros device is.

"The medical device . . . creates a mild suction over a women's clitoris and is designed to enhance blood flow to the genitals, therefore improving sensation, lubrication and overall sexual satisfaction." --the Oregonian

Sounds just like those Acujack devices for men you can order outta any adult magazine for $19.95, plus shipping and handling. Only smaller. Much smaller, so it will fit snuggly over the hood of the clitoris. Wait a second. I can create a mild suction over a women's clitoris that improves blood flow, sensation, lubrication and orgasm with my mouth... for free!

Or, you can pay Urometrics about $359 for the same device as any sucking mouth; but, you'll need a prescription.

How about this prescription for love: a woman comes to me and says, "I need you to go down on me." Presto. Mild suction, enhanced blood flow on my knees for free. No waiting at Safeway to get your Eros sexual aid prescription filled.

I'm telling you, it's all just a distraction, while the other monkeys run into the supermarket and walk off with shopping bags full of Pharmaceutical money.
Meanwhile, the women are coming down out of the trees in their sexual rainforest, demanding to run shrieking with orgasm through the bedrooms. Distracted?

I'll tell you what distracted is: driving the most fabulon woman back home to St John's the other night. 4:00 A.M. winding along that deserted river highway. One button at a time, she's opening her blouse, revealing her black bra secrets in the slanting street light shadows, taking my hand to her breasts, trying to keep it smooth and steady at 55. And then dropping her off at her front door like an absolute gentleman. Why? Because anything worth having is worth waiting for.

Get it? Forget the instant desire and orgasm pill for women. Let's all just slow down and relearn the loving living tongue. Become poets of the flesh. Her flesh. Like a museum with rooms after rooms. If you don't have time to go there and do it right, then don't go there. Instead of solving or ignoring her mystery, why not celebrate it? With a lotta tongue.


Girl Trouble from Rex Breathes


Dec. 99
Nov. 99
Oct. 99
Aug. 99

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