I am Putu Nusantara and I wipe the Emperor’s ass. Not everyone in my country has a position like mine. Many have menial jobs. I’m the first to admit, I’m one of the lucky ones!
My country is a small archipelago in the East Indies. Our ancestors lived peaceful, quiet lives hunting, farming and fishing for most of our history, until 1907, when the Emperor’s ancestors were digging an irrigation well and struck platinum. Back then, we were a society without any property rights—we lived communally and shared all that our beautiful islands had to offer.
But, when the platinum was discovered, our founding father had a wonderful vision for our country’s future. In his wisdom, he single-handedly transformed our backward tribal society into a wonderful, modern dictatorship. He was pretty assertive about it, too. That’s how he got to be the first Emperor. The newly found wealth led to the construction of the magnificent palace, that four generations of Emperors have called home. It is complete with a staff that attends to the Emperor’s every need—that’s how the ass wiper position came into being.
The ass wiper job has been handed down through generations. My grandfather wiped the first two Emperors’ asses, my father in turn wiped the succeeding Emperor’s ass, and today, I am privileged to wipe the current Emperor’s ass. As the oldest male child in my family, I was groomed for my role since birth. As soon as I mastered wiping my own ass, I was tasked to wipe the asses of my younger brothers and sisters when they were babies. After that, it was the dog’s ass, just to keep in practice.
When I was a teenager, the Emperor sent me to an elite American university. Education is important, because when you’re wiping the Emperor’s ass, you’re expected to be knowledgeable on a wide variety of subjects. You only converse with the Emperor for very short periods each day— usually when you’re by his side in the bathroom, patiently waiting to fulfill your duties (but, erudition is prized). I earned a Bachelor’s degree in Liberal Arts, so I am familiar with world history and the canon of western and eastern literature. At my father’s advice, I included elective classes to tailor my curriculum to my life’s work, including courses in political science, fluid mechanics and even an introductory surgery class, so I could safely trim the occasional dingleberry, when necessary.
I enjoyed my time in America and made many good friends there. But, when I graduated, it was time to return home. As they say in my business, when you gotta go, you gotta go.
Today, my wife and I live in comfortable quarters in the imperial palace—expense-free. How many people have that going for them? On top of all this, I even draw a modest salary. My wife and her mother recently went on a cruise! The rest, we spend on hand sanitizer and other luxuries. Oh... big news! Just a month ago, we welcomed the birth of our first child, a boy! The other day, he cracked his first smile, almost as if he knew the good fortune that lay ahead of him.
One thing I always find strange is the reaction of foreigners when I tell them about my career. They mostly laugh in disbelief that such a job even exists, never mind that it’s considered prestigious. But, when you stop to think about it, how many people get to reside at an imperial palace and work in close proximity to their country’s leader? Many of my American college friends went on to pursue business and professional careers, where they put up with people’s shit all day. Me? Once a day—two times, max.
Wealthy people all over the world routinely out-task drudgery in their lives, like cleaning, driving, meal prep, lawn care, even the upbringing of their own children. But, apparently no one, not kings, queens or multibillionaires, surrenders the grubby little chore of wiping their ass—like it’s some kind of special treat! Maybe I’m missing something, ‘cause I just don’t get that.
