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For many people, it is the custom to spend the month of November thinking about gratitude.w Not just Norman-Rockwell-Thanksgiving-only-type crap, but things we normally would overlook that actually make a difference in our daily lives. Here is my sexual gratitude list for this year...

I am grateful...

...that men’s penises don’t extend out from our mouths: if they did, all we could say during sex would be, “aauuuaauuauuu.”

...that many times this year, I found myself having sex with a woman who can only say “aauuuaauuauuu.”

...that neither I nor any of my close friends have found it necessary to indulge ourselves with the dreaded phenomenon known as the “combover.”

...that I’ve had sex with at least one porn star in my life thus far (and that she’s no longer in the business or in any way reachable to confirm or refute this claim of mine).

...that I can see my dick without the use of a mirror.

...that I live in a city with the highest number of used bookstores, movie screens, and restaurants per capita in America as well as the highest number of strip clubs.

...that while not having a relationship during the holidays sucks in some ways, it also means not having to buy presents that your sweetie won’t really like anyway, and that one doesn’t have to spend an uncomfortable evening pretending to be relaxed around her family, who are either giving you a grilling that would be appropriate for a scene on Homicide or slamming drinks in your honor and then either becoming your best friend or beating the shit out of each other.

...that women have only two breasts: if they had three we’d go crazy not being able to touch all of them at the same time.

...that women (those under 40 anyway) are actually “liberated,” unlike many women I’ve met who have several college degrees, were in the forefront of women’s liberation in the ‘70’s, who are making a salary in the high five figures, and who are convinced that a man is doomed by virtue of a “Y” chromosome to pay for every activity the couple engages in for at least the first six months of dating.

...that Clinton has had the good taste to turn down doing tv ads for viagra until after the impeachment.

...that my love life is no longer being described accurately in country-western songs.

...that Jeanna Fine says the things during sex that she does.

...that I’m not involved with a woman at the moment who has a filthy mouth like Jeanna Fine’s.

...that PMS is not a virus.

...that the quantity of women in my life over the last ten years has gone down by about 90% while the quality of the women in my life during that time has gone up 180%.

...that I have a forum like this column for honestly expressing my deepest feelings and opinions, and...

...that none of the women I know read this column.

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