like to thank the anonymous genius who has enhanced the
sex lives of all of us who sometimes get a partner involved.
Over the last 12 months, I have noticed the increasing use
of a "fetish" device in some "films" that consists of a
face mask with a large black dildo protruding from the mouth.
Finally, a satisfying erotic life can be had by the unfortunate
minority of us, who, by some sad joke, were not born with
a perpetually erect penis sticking out from the middle of
When did the demand for such a device reach this fever pitch?
When did someone recognize that millions were suffering
because they could only engage in intercourse if they used
a (reluctant) part of their body with nerve endings? Randomly
surveying folks at a recent Thursday night at the Cobalt
Lounge, I heard one heart-warming anecdote after another.
One gentleman, for example, said, "Thank God these things
came along. Now I can be fulfilled by the sensation of rubber
slamming into my lips and teeth as my partner is being penetrated."
Just as a dildo sometimes makes up for some perceived (or
real) deficiency in size, we can now have a sizable appendage
protruding from our faces, instead of the puny embarrassment
we may be sporting now. Imagine: now we have a cure for
"erect-dick-in-the-middle-of-the-face envy." Only good can
come from this. What about those who want the sensation
of thrusting elbows, ears, or an Adam's apple into our partner?
Mark my words, one day we will see the device offering "erect-penis-coming-out-of-one-eyeball."
that we're all in a loving mood, and have found the love
of our life, thanks to Cupid's crafty arrow, may I offer
some helpful hints--gleaned from my own (near fatal) experience.
For those in the infant stages of a relationship, watch
out for the following statements:
"Yeah, right, like you didn't know there was a penis down
"When we get out of the car and walk up to my door, if someone
starts shooting at us from the bushes, don't worry; I know
who it is."
"I've been looking forward to this all week. I'll bet you're
at least as good as your father."
"The other guys and video crew will be here any minute.
Just show your test results to the guy with the clipboard
and wait for your number to be called."
"What's your blood type? Have you ever gotten someone pregnant?
If so, how'd you handle it? Did she ask you for money? How
much? Did you pay it? Oh, no special reason, just making
"I'm so glad we found each other. Now we can mate after
undergoing The Transformation and take our rightful place
on the throne of the undersea kingdom of Zantar."
"This is gonna be good for me. I can't remember the last
time I had unprotected sex with someone who isn't
an IV drug user."
"Before we get started, I need to say something. It's $50
for oral, then...oops, I forgot, I'm supposed to be taking
the night off. Silly me."
"Diaphragm? No. That's where I hide my pager."