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March 2000 Columns
xmag.com : March 2000 : Heavy Petting

Heavy Petting by Don DePrez

I'd like to thank the anonymous genius who has enhanced the sex lives of all of us who sometimes get a partner involved. Over the last 12 months, I have noticed the increasing use of a "fetish" device in some "films" that consists of a face mask with a large black dildo protruding from the mouth. Finally, a satisfying erotic life can be had by the unfortunate minority of us, who, by some sad joke, were not born with a perpetually erect penis sticking out from the middle of our faces.

'Now I can be fulfilled by the sensation of rubber slamming into my lips and teeth as my partnet is being penetrated.'

When did the demand for such a device reach this fever pitch? When did someone recognize that millions were suffering because they could only engage in intercourse if they used a (reluctant) part of their body with nerve endings? Randomly surveying folks at a recent Thursday night at the Cobalt Lounge, I heard one heart-warming anecdote after another. One gentleman, for example, said, "Thank God these things came along. Now I can be fulfilled by the sensation of rubber slamming into my lips and teeth as my partner is being penetrated."

Just as a dildo sometimes makes up for some perceived (or real) deficiency in size, we can now have a sizable appendage protruding from our faces, instead of the puny embarrassment we may be sporting now. Imagine: now we have a cure for "erect-dick-in-the-middle-of-the-face envy." Only good can come from this. What about those who want the sensation of thrusting elbows, ears, or an Adam's apple into our partner? Mark my words, one day we will see the device offering "erect-penis-coming-out-of-one-eyeball."

Now that we're all in a loving mood, and have found the love of our life, thanks to Cupid's crafty arrow, may I offer some helpful hints--gleaned from my own (near fatal) experience. For those in the infant stages of a relationship, watch out for the following statements:

"Yeah, right, like you didn't know there was a penis down there."

"When we get out of the car and walk up to my door, if someone starts shooting at us from the bushes, don't worry; I know who it is."

"I've been looking forward to this all week. I'll bet you're at least as good as your father."

"The other guys and video crew will be here any minute. Just show your test results to the guy with the clipboard and wait for your number to be called."

"What's your blood type? Have you ever gotten someone pregnant? If so, how'd you handle it? Did she ask you for money? How much? Did you pay it? Oh, no special reason, just making conversation."

"I'm so glad we found each other. Now we can mate after undergoing The Transformation and take our rightful place on the throne of the undersea kingdom of Zantar."

"This is gonna be good for me. I can't remember the last time I had unprotected sex with someone who isn't an IV drug user."

"Before we get started, I need to say something. It's $50 for oral, then...oops, I forgot, I'm supposed to be taking the night off. Silly me."

"Diaphragm? No. That's where I hide my pager."



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