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xmag.com : October 2000 : The Gospel According to Viva Las Vegas

The Gospel according to Viva Las Vegas - "the laziest gal downtown"


By the time most of you read this, the Presidential election will have been decided and we’ll have a new puppet in place for the next four or more years. But from where I sit now, the race is still the "closest in recent history." Which implies some sort of eecause wxcitement, doesn’t it? But no one, NO ONE, is very excited. Be have no choice. The contestants in this supposedly fevered race are exactly the same, which makes perfect sense, considering the recent trends towards conservative liberalism by both parties. It’s all the same bland nobody.
On the right.... a nepotistic southern conservative with a pretty wife. On the left.... a nepotistic southern conservative with a pretty wife. One manages to string sentences together only to contradict himself minutes/days/years later. A liar! But what’s that in politics? The other has trouble with sentences....would he lie if he could?
In choosing a man to lead our country, you’ve got to decide between a stupid asshole and an asinine liar. All politicians are liars, but not all are asinine. The office desperately needs a bit of suavity, a bit of sex appeal. No harm in that, as Mr. Clinton so resoundingly proved. [Has Al Gore ever had a blow job? Did he know what a blow job was before the Congressional hearings?] It’s all about virility in the end.
I’ve done some haphazard polling of the virile strip club electorate. I asked patrons, naked girls, and managers what they thought. Everyone weighed in unfavorably against both candidates, but most had clear Democratic/Independent leanings, strippers especially. With their cowboy mentality and precious faith in justice, the naked nation was wholly behind Nader. Leave it to strippers to take the moral high ground. None of this ethically questionable "vote for Gore or Bush will win" for them. They weighed their choices, found no choice at all, and signed up for the third party. Most of ‘em seemed pretty intent on voting, too.

"Has Al Gore ever had a blow job? Did he know what a blow job was before the Congressional hearings?"
Our clientele seemed overall less inclined to even appear at the polls, but also predominantly pro-Nader. Lots of true-blue Democrats out there supporting the arts, too, who will vote for Gore despite his plunder-the-environment-in-the-name-of-the-Lord-abortion-is-good?...bad?...good?...bad?... stance. (Stance? What’s a stance?)
As for myself, I’m siding with the strippers. The only choice is Nader, a brilliant speaker and committed civil servant who is virile enough in his rebelliousness. Plus, I’ve long believed that America needs to break the two-party habit in order to move forward out of this deadlocked dark age. Nader is a bitty step in the right direction. [Nader-Ventura 2004!!] But for the rest of ya’ll, I’d counsel you to think ahead to the morning after. Or next year. Who would you rather see on television? Which of those pretty wives is prettier? That’s all it is in the end. If only America could produce a Vaclav Havel, a poet, playwright, and thinker as President. It’ll never happen–a man of ideas and true faith is too dangerous.
So, given the "choice," I’d rather see Laura Bush. Get to know her better. Boxers or briefs? She’s lovely, and seems to have an edge to her. And I never, EVER want to see Tipper Gore again. Not in print, on TV, or on some diplomatic adventure. She’s disgusting, and not just cuz she exudes censorious family values. That’s my stance. If I can’t have Mr. Nader or Cindy McCain, then Laura Bush for first mate.
Throw ‘em to the dogs.

Thanksgiving: Thanks.... for Oritalia, Van and Al, grandmas in South Dakota, Teresa Dulce, naked girls, boys, Mozart, cats, dogs, hedgehogs, Old Town, yooooouuu... and for Commissioner Dan Saltzman, sending his gang to support us at the Sex by Sex Workers Film Festival! What a guy! Dan Saltzman for President!



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